You want me to touch what?

Q: I was in the passion of sex with a gentleman when he asked if I would touch his ass. My lady friends all said they would get up and run if this request was made of them. I did not. I stayed. I touched. Then he requests of me, “Do you have a strap-on?” Soon I was worried that I was having sex with a homo. Now I am ignoring him, which is too bad for me because he had a very nice penis. Your suggestions? —Happy Ass Girl

A: Seeing as how I’m writing this column in the deepest pit in gay hell next to Rufus Wainwright’s colon — the Big Cup coffee shop on Eighth Avenue in Manhattan — I think it’s only appropriate that I answer a few questions from readers who, like you, are quickly succumbing to gay panic. Don’t worry, HAG. Lots of straight guys enjoy having their asses touched; some even enjoy having their asses pegged. If this guy ate your pussy like a champ and fucked you absolutely senseless before, during, and after you touched his ass, all signs point to straight. If he seemed reluctant to fuck you, ignored your tits, and screamed, “Yes, Rufus! Harder, Rufus! Deeper, Rufus!” when you touched his ass, well, then he’s probably a big ol’ homo. If he leans toward straight, HAG, stop ignoring him. It’s clear that you’re more sexually adventurous than your lady friends — you stayed, you touched — and it’s clear that you’re missing this man’s very nice penis, so why not pull the stick out of your own ass and stick it into his?

Q: My man recently told me about something that he used to do before we met. He is flexible enough to give himself a blow job, he said, and used to do this often to get himself off. I didn’t think it was possible for men to do this, but he showed me — he can still do it! And he swallowed! Is this sort of thing normal for men to do? For straight men? How common is it? —Worried And Concerned

A: Your boyfriend’s superpower is common enough that there’s a name for it (autofellatio), an entire genre of porn devoted to it, and enough jokes about it to keep Jimmy Kimmel in material for the next six years. The conventional autofellatio wisdom goes like this: Any guy who can, does — gay, straight, bi, whatever. The straight guy sucking his own dick isn’t doing anything gayer than the straight guy giving himself a hand job. It’s just an elaborate, show-offy, backbreaking method of masturbation.

That your boyfriend was eager to demonstrate his superpower for you strikes me as odd; most straight guys who can suck themselves off are shy about demos, mostly for fear of being thought gay. (Gay guys who can suck themselves off, on the other hand, loudly brag about it over coffee at the Big Cup.) It’s possible that he brought up this thing he used to do before you met because doing it in front of his girlfriend turns him on.

Q: How common is it for a straight guy to be aroused by eating his own come? I get off on eating my own come and recently my girlfriend caught me. (She dropped by my place right after I jerked off and she tasted my come on my lips when we kissed.) Now she thinks I must be bi-curious. She’s completely weirded out. If I could pass along someone else’s opinion on the subject, it might help her lay the stupid thing to rest. —Straight Come Eater

A: Lots of guys, gay and straight, eat their own come — way more than your girlfriend might think. (But until the census folks start asking about this, SCE, I won’t be able to give you any hard numbers.) Boys with freaky or religious parents sometimes eat their own come to destroy any evidence that they’ve been masturbating; young straight boys eat their own come to reassure themselves that their come tastes good enough to eat, so for sure they’ll get lots of head one day; and some young gay boys eat their own come because they figure they’re going to be giving head to other guys and they might as well get used to the taste.

That you get off on eating your own come, SCE, takes you to another level. What you’ve got is a full-fledged kink — and that’s not necessarily gay, just perverse. It’s perfectly natural, however, for your girlfriend to worry that a guy who likes to eat his own come might want to eat some other guy’s come one day. If that’s not the case, SCE, reassure her at great length and make damn sure she never tastes another guy’s come on your lips.

Q: I have a wonderful, supportive, sexy boyfriend. Recently I was at his house using the computer and needed to get back to a Web page I’d been on earlier, so I clicked on the history to pull it back up. I found the page I needed, all right, but I also found out that my boyfriend had been up the night before searching for, chatting with, and looking at graphic pictures of young gay men in our city. He said it’s just a hobby, and that he’s fascinated with the taboo of being gay. He also admitted masturbating to the pictures, and has also admitted meeting a gay man online and then getting oral sex from him. My boyfriend swears he is not gay and doesn’t want to have sex with men. Should I believe him? By the way, our sex life is great — owing to the fact that it takes him a very long time to reach orgasm. In fact, sometimes he doesn’t get there at all. —Confused In Ohio

A: Of all the people in this week’s column, CIO, you’re the only one I think should panic. Your boyfriend’s excuse — “Oh, darlin’, I’m not gay! Looking at pictures of naked guys, chatting with them, jacking off thinking about them, and having sex with them is just my hobby!” — has to be the lamest thing I’ve ever heard. And if wishful thinking weren’t clouding your judgment, CIO, it would strike you as odd that someone who swears he doesn’t want to have sex with men is out there having sex with men. Your wonderful, supportive, sexy boyfriend is gay. Gayer than me, gayer than Rufus, gayer than all the autofellators at the Big Cup rolled into a ball. Dump him.