Think before you snap

Q: My boyfriend and I recently posted pictures of ourselves performing very kinky sexual acts on a porn Web site. This is the first time we have left our faces unblurred. To use the site you must pay a yearly fee; pictures stay up on the site for about a month before they are removed. What is the probability that my boss, my little brother, or my jealous ex-boyfriend with a purity complex will find these pictures? —Settle Unsettling Bet

A: You probably should’ve sought out my unbiased expert opinion before you posted the pictures, SUB.

I’ll bet you anything that someone you know — a family member, a co-worker, your congressional delegation — has already seen the pictures. The pictures are on a pay site? They’re only up for a month? Well, people download images from pay sites, post them on free Web sites, and e-mail them to their friends. Folks shouldn’t put anything on the Internet that they don’t want their bosses, parents, siblings, ex-boyfriends (with or without purity complexes), children, children’s children, or children’s children’s children to see.

Q: I’m a 16-year-old girl with a 17-year-old boyfriend. My boyfriend is religious and strongly against sex before marriage (vaginal, anal or even oral). Recently our making out has led to "dry humping." I’ve heard all sorts of things about what can happen when a guy ejaculates in this situation. Just how far can semen travel — and through what, if any, fabrics? —Nervous and Horny in Virginia

A: Yes, Virginia, you can get pregnant if your boyfriend comes on you — even if he only comes on your clothes. Didn’t they cover this in the abstinence "education" you’ve been subjected to in high school? Semen can bore through your clothing and penetrate your skin, and then travel through your veins into your uterus where, if you’re ovulating, it can make you pregnant. Of course, it could travel through your bloodstream and into your heart or your lungs, where it can penetrate the pulmonary alveoli. If it reaches your small intestine, it can mature there into adulthood and begin to lay eggs.

No, wait … I’ve confused semen with roundworms. Fucking Google. Sorry about that.

If your boyfriend isn’t coming inside you and you’re not pressing your semen-soaked panties hard into your crotch, NAHIV, the odds that you’ll get knocked up are nil. So you go right ahead and enjoy the hell out of the humping — even if it is going to land you both in hell. After all, every religion that bans premarital vaginal, anal, and even oral sex also bans premarital "dry humping" — particularly the kind of dry humping that leaves you sopping wet.

Q: I’m a 20-year-old lesbian. Last year I fell in love with my straight best friend, who is in a committed relationship. One night I told her about my feelings. She became angry that I hadn’t been honest with her from the beginning. We tried to get around it, but eventually stopped talking altogether. I am now over my feelings for her, and a few months ago we began talking again.

She’s getting married to her boyfriend of four years in a month, and I think she is making the biggest mistake of her life. Her boyfriend is a complete idiot and he doesn’t treat her very well. If I tell her what I think, I’ll come across as jealous and she’ll hate me again. How can I tell her this without losing her? —Not Willing to Lose Her

A: Are you her only friend? If you are, NWTLH, there’s more wrong with your pal than just her taste in men. If you’re not, take your concerns to her other friends and see if they share them. If they don’t, then you’re still hung up on your friend and it’s your judgment that’s fucked up, not hers. But if a significant number of her friends agree that she’s making a big mistake, NWTLH, beg them to do for your friend what you cannot do — slap some sense into her before it’s too late.

Q: Recently my mother asked me for some computer assistance. It turned out that someone in her house had been looking at lots of Internet gay porn. My two brothers and dad all live at home. My brothers deny that they looked, and she won’t ask Dad. She wanted me to set up parental controls so that no one would be able to look at porn. If it’s her kids doing the looking, I think controls are fine, but if it’s her husband, I don’t think controls are appropriate. Also, it won’t resolve the fact that someone in the house has a not-so-secret. Now, I wonder all the time who is in the closet. (Both brothers have girlfriends, and Dad is still married to Mom.) Is someone too stupid to clear the history or does he want to be found out? Is there any way to find out who is gay without being an asshole? —Wondering Who Is Gay

A: There’s no way to find out who was looking at gay porn on your mother’s computer without being a complete asshole — to your brothers, your dad, and your mom. For your mom’s sake, WWIG, I hope it was one of your brothers and not your father. If it turns out that your dad is a cocksucker, she may feel that she has no choice but to divorce him. And if he’s running around with other men, your mom may be at risk for any number of STDs.

But what if your mom doesn’t want to press the issue with your dad because sex doesn’t play a huge role in their married life? What if your mother is content with things as they are? If your mom wants to live in a tiny bit of denial, WWIG, and comfort herself with the thought that one of her sons was just curious or will come out to her one day, and doesn’t regard the small chance her husband is cheating on her with men as a threat, well, what business is it of yours? Unless you want to sleep with your dad or your brothers, I don’t see how "who is in the closet" concerns you. If you don’t want to be an asshole — if you don’t want to keep being an asshole, I should say — you’ll drop it.