The Freep's Georgea Kovanis and her weaponized underwear

A friend sent along a link to the latest outburst from Freep style guru Georgea Kovanis. It opens with her discussing her underwear. Actually, she rhapsodizes about her underwear, and their special powers, for several short, easy-to-read sentences. Kovanis seems to have the strongest views on underwear of any non-Mormon in the country.

Wearing matching underwear makes me feel confident — and yes, I realize that may sound ridiculous, but it's absolutely true.

Matching underwear is a secret weapon that helps me get through the day. Wearing it makes me feel polished and poised.

Which makes me feel completely pulled together.

Which makes me feel confident.

Which makes me feel absolutely indomitable and therefore able to face anything life throws my way. My matching underwear is to me what those magic bracelets are to Wonder Woman.

In fact, right now — as I'm wearing my underwear set — I'm so confident in what I have to say about being confident that I want to share with you this list of other confidence builders!

That's right: There's more to this column than underwear ... although there is so much underwear there!

What follows are a list of neat little things a bubbly gal might do to make herself feel more confident, like shopping, going to the hairdresser, or studying up on etiquette.

And if you don't spend money on your look or know what all 13 pieces of silverware in a formal table setting are for, it's probably because you don't like yourself, ladies. Women who like themselves do so because they have the right products and services. They go to the gym and spin. Later they enjoy wine-and-cheese gabfests with vivacious gal pals.

Oh, and confident women read. Maybe just a blog, but even books too! Not to become overly intellectual, but so they'll "never be at a loss for something to talk about over coffee, at lunch or at a party." You see? Chicks don't read to expand their perky little minds, they just need to have stuff to say at parties, because they're so eager to fill that dreadful silence with confident chatter. Isn't that neat?

We're uncertain what to make of all this. (We're so uncertain about being uncertain that ... oh, forget it ...) While you don't expect a style writer to be a bra-burner, the sage advice of Georgea Kovanis is enough to make Miley Cyrus look like Tina Fey and Joan of Arc combined.

Any truly confident woman would read this patronizing nonsense and laugh her fucking ass off. It's because Kovanis' column is precisely about the sort of things truly confident women couldn't care less about. Confident women are confident because they've done something greater than buy a slinky dress or get a pricey chop. They've had actual experience, locked horns with the world a bit, and acquired a dearly earned opinion or two. If there is a royal road to confidence, it doesn't lead anywhere near Saks Fifth Avenue, as Kovanis would have you believe.

What's especially galling is that if style columnists have done anything for women's confidence, it's probably a net negative, given the unrealistic expectations and feeble preoccupations they foist upon women from their childhood.

Don't believe it? Then try to imagine for a moment Mitch Albom delivering six staccato sentences about his underwear, or how his male readers should buy a slinky new suit, or get a sixer of craft beer and cheese to enjoy with their guy friends.

On second thought, please don't.