Santorum quorum

Q: Take the advice of a doctoral student of communications: If you want your message to stick, you need to repeat it over and over. Therefore, if you want the new meaning of the word “santorum” to stick — that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex — you need to make semiregular use of it over a long period of time. You have to force it into popular parlance. If you hold any sway over your fellow advice columnists, I suggest you ask them to make use of the word as well. Remember how well “pegging” went over at first? But by not using it over and over, it faded. Don’t let “santorum” fade. It certainly doesn’t from the sheets. —Philly Peef

A: Thanks for sharing, PP, and perhaps I have been too lax about using the word “peg” in the column. But I do get letters all the time from readers who use “peg” to mean “a woman doing a man in the ass with a strap-on,” and, out of pure defensiveness, I’ve included one in this column. So I would like to believe “peg” is taking root out there.

As for “santorum,” clearly buttfuckers everywhere were aching for a word to describe the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. The word is turning up in letters to Savage Love, but also in conversations in swanky restaurants and on T-shirts. (More on both below.) To find out if my fellow advice columnists would be willing to use “santorum” in their columns, PP, I contacted Margo Howard, who pens Dear Prudence, which originated in Slate and is now widely syndicated.

“Would Prudie mention your interesting ‘frothy mix’ in her column? Prudie would not. And she thinks anyone who would be mixing up such a potion would not be writing to her in the first place,” Prudie responded. Those people, she is too polite to point out, would be writing letters to me. Still, Prudie might work the word into her column sometime. “In the spirit of smiting homophobes everywhere, Prudie would be happy to refer such benighted souls to the nearest santorum … you know, like there used to be santorums for tuberculosis.”

Q: A buddy of mine and I have been working on launching an “obnoxious T-shirt” Web site. I thought we could help further the cause of linking Sen. Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania with lube-and-fecal-matter in the public consciousness by creating some santorum T-shirts. We have three slogans/designs available in several colors and many sizes. The shirts are perfect for bar hopping and dinner with your Republican boss. The Web site is www.extraugly.com. And what do you think of the shirts? Should we send one to the senator?
—Politicians Out Of Private Stuff

A: I think your T-shirts are delightful, POOPS, and by all means I think you should send Sen. Santorum a T-shirt — preferably one with an honest-to-God, didn’t-come-off-in-the-wash santorum stain on it.

Q: I would like to congratulate you on what appears to be a successful effort to introduce a new word into the English language. Your recent series of extremely interesting letters and the contest to find a new use for that useless windbag Santorum have worked admirably.

I was recently in a restaurant in New York having dinner with my wife. While my wife was using the ladies’ room, I overheard the word “santorum,” and of course my ears perked up. My neighbors, two women and a man, were not only discussing your column, Dan, but their approval of the new meaning of santorum and how useful it would be for them. All this over Chilean sea bass and smoked duck! How is Sen. Santorum taking all this? —Ted

A: I don’t know how Sen. Santorum is taking all this, Ted, and when I called his office to inquire — well, let’s just say that Sen. Santorum had no comment. In fact, no one in his office would even take my call. Which struck me as rude but, hey, I’m not a constituent. Perhaps a reader who lives in Pennsylvania, the state Santorum represents, would have better luck contacting the senator. (You can e-mail Rick at senator@santorum.senate.gov, or reach him by phone at 202-224-6324.) I’ll present anyone who can get an on-the-record comment from Santorum or his spokesperson with a case of lube and a selection of santorum T-shirts from extraugly.com.

Q: I’m a 25-year-old who is into pegging and think that this characteristic could/should be seen as attractive by women. The problem is getting this message out. Call me a slut, but I just want to get as much pegging as possible and don’t care if it’s a one-night peg or a long-term peg. If a man were to say he’s up for some pegging to a woman, what would she say? I think pegging would be very high on any woman’s list of things to do. —Pegging Eager Greedy Male Ends

A: Women into pegging are few and far between, PEGME, although they do tend to be concentrated in urban areas and, as such, are overrepresented among the readers of papers like this one. Nevertheless, “goodbye” is what most women would say when asked to peg — aka fuck a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo. Most will fear that you’re queer, or too kinky for them, or they may just not be into anal sex, whether they’re backing up or being backed up on. But you should ask anyway, PEGME. You’re clearly not going to be satisfied in a relationship with a woman who isn’t into pegging — so why not scare off the women who aren’t?

Q: After my wife and I enjoyed a nice round of anal sex, she became gassy, and, just before bed she, well … she stank up the can, which is usually my job. She claims that the santorum I left in her ass must have been the cause. Do you know if there’s any medical validity to this claim? Or was it something she ate? —Fucking Ass Results (In) Terrible Stench

A: A fucked butt isn’t necessarily a stanky butt, FARTS, but depending on what kind of lube you used, how much you used, and how much santorum you managed to leave in the wife, well, it’s entirely possible your wife had a reaction that turned her into a gassy can-stanker-upper. Or it could have been something she ate. The only way to finger the culprit — was it the santorum? the meal? — is to fuck her butt again using the same lube, but this time on an empty stomach.