On dancers, on vixens

EYE CANDY BUFFET

December is perhaps the best month of all for freeloaders, as ’tis the season for crashing Christmas parties and buffet spreads galore. Well, I actually did have an invite to Friday’s private Traque modeling agency Christmas party, held in the back room of Motor, but that definitely put me in the minority; as is always the case when the Traque hotties are in the house, swarms of men hustle, sneak and lie their way backstage or behind closed, invite-only doors just for a chance to fling a few desperate, contrived pick-up lines at some of the leggy vixens. I actually overheard “You look like a model” used at least twice. Get some new material, guys!

Despite the elbow-y crowd and ogling knuckle-draggers, the mistresses of Traque, Lynn Clark-Geiner and Kelly Williams remained gracefully poised and cheery.

Perhaps it was all the yummy eye candy, but the room heated up quickly; automotive princess Rachelle Partee was sweating it out in her pleather dress, on the arm of DJ Quig. However, Lush bartendress Raina Greening was stylish and comfortably ventilated in her air-conditioned shirt; she was also hanging out with some guy from Incognito.

At this point I ventured out into the main room, where Pacou Tresor from Germany and Nigel Richards were spinning away, and it was really chilly in there. This is how people catch colds, you know.

Apparently security cracked down on the party crashers, since I had to do a bit of negotiating to get back into the Traque party.

Crowding around the untouched buffet, I spotted a few members of the rare breed of nice musician boys who pay rent and are gainfully employed, Steve and Aaron Greene of Forge and Ken Roberts, Mark Damian and Bret Haupt of Sweaty Suede Lips.

The boys conducted an interesting informal poll on the fashion appeal of men in turtlenecks. The verdict? Chicks think it’s sexy, while most of the guys polled gave the thumbs down and said the garments were reserved for covering hickeys. However, I have to argue with this, since most the male models who were sporting turtlenecks were not amused when I approached them and asked to see their hickeys.

YOU GO GRRLS

So, are you sick of hearing about chick rock yet? Tough.

Friday night saw the massive success of the GoGirls Music Fest at the Magic Bag, featuring Deathgirl.com, Broadzilla, Blush and Mod Ev. GoGirlsMusic.com is a Web site dedicated to the estrogen side of rock; special props to Amy Anselm from Blush for getting the whole shebang under way. Proceeds from tickets and the silent auction went to developing a music program for Visions, a school in Farmington for special-needs children and young adults.

The Bag was literally packed to the seams with people; including a mass surplus of cute boys, such as adorable part-time model Brian Williams, and Dino, a freelance bassist and full-time architect who is married and therefore does not count. Also in attendance was the lovable, huggable B.J. Hammerstein, who is just too damn cool.

The show’s MC, radio personality Anne Carlini, was caught giving a big hug to Greg “G-man” MacDonald, the vocalist for Crank.

Standing near the hardest-working schmooze in town, Anthony Morrow, was Chad Brueske, who was sipping on a brewski (perhaps he should marry the aforementioned Rachelle Partee, so their kids could be named Brueski-Partee).

Also bearing unique monikers: The 93.1 DRQ crew, including program director Alex Tear and a few guys named after pets and assorted inanimate objects: Rover, Stick and Tic Tak, who is living in a bus this week. Preparing for a post-radio career? Just kidding. Actually, this latest stunt by the breath-mint namesake is to collect toys for needy families, so stop by the Oakland Mall parking lot this week and look for the DRQ bus to drop off your contributions.

Did I mention it was freaking crowded? The masses of thirsty, sweaty people were handled exceedingly well by the adept bar staff of Andy, Crimi, Ed and Erin, who were so busy they all forgot their last names.

After doing the girlie bathroom chit-chat thing with Greek goddesses Mary Mouzourakis and Michele Economou, I stumbled — literally — across Really Drunk Birthday Guy who decided to take an impromptu nap on the floor next to the bar. Name and incriminating photo withheld, since, hey, I’ve been there too.

Oh, and to the klepto who stole the unattended camera bag on the bar? You suck, and karma’s a bitch.

BAR BLAB

Got $400,000 just lying around? If so, the Nectarine Ballroom in Ann Arbor could be yours. The longtime gay-friendly club is up for sale, after racking up a whopping 37 liquor license violations in only a six-month period, according to the Detroit News. An undercover investigation by Ann Arbor po-po discovered numerous incidents of underage drinking, open drug dealing and a surprising number of assaults on customers by bar staff — including a manager allegedly attacking a homeless person outside the club and a woman who claimed to have been choked by one of the DJs.

Also in a bit of a legal muck-up is the drunken college meat market known as Wicked Mickey’s of Ypsilanti. A search of Ypsilanti’s Insider Business Journal reveals that the bar has racked up several liquor violations, and the Ann Arbor News reports a handful of assaults there.

When did going out to the bar become so dangerous? Does this mean I get workers’ compensation?