Lines from the sand

I’m on vacation, on the beach as I write these words, watching my boyfriend’s tan lines come in. But I’m still thinking about you and your problems. Isn’t that just like me? Your problems don’t take two weeks off every summer. So despite being on vacation, despite my impaired state (it’s 11 a.m. and I’m on my fifth margarita), and despite my boyfriend’s tan lines, I’m still here to help.

A few weeks ago I began banking DTMFA letters. Not only are DTMFAs the most common letters advice columnists receive (we have to be careful not to let our columns fill up with DTMFAs), but DTMFAs are also the easiest ones to answer. It’s hard to fuck up a response to a DTMFA — it’s damned near impossible, actually. Any idiot could answer DTMFA letters — in his sleep, smashed on tequila, high on crack, whatever. But the people who sent in the letters below didn’t ask just any idiot. They asked this idiot.

Q: For the last three-and-a-half years, I have been in a semi-relationship with someone I met after he got out of rehab. I stayed while he relapsed, went to prison, and went back through rehab. He’s relapsed again. When I try to leave, he tells me he needs me for stability or else he’ll end up dead. I am emotionally and financially drained. Am I addicted to him? Or am I just completely stupid? —Addicted to Love

A: You’re not completely stupid, ATL, since you had the sense to ask someone to tell you to DUMP THE MOTHERFUCKER ALREADY! (DTMFA!) Trust me, the asshole won’t end up dead. Like all user/ addict/asshole bastards, he’ll quickly find some other fool to use and abuse. DTMFA!

Q: I went snooping in my girlfriend’s inbox and found that she is a member of an Internet matchmaking service. Her profile was searching for men within 25 miles of her city. I currently live 600 miles from her. Is she looking? We’ve been together for 18 months and this profile was set up 139 days ago. Do I have a right to bring it up since I was snooping? She did give me the password to her inbox, practically daring me to go there. She has told me that she cheated on every one of her serious boyfriends. According to her I am “different,” so she wouldn’t dream about cheating on me, but can I believe that? —I Know This Is Boring

A: She told you she’s cheated on all her boyfriends, she’s advertising her ass online and she gave you her password so that you would find out about it! What does she have to do? Send you a fucking videotape? DTMFA, IKTIB, DTMFA!

Q: I’ve fallen in love with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. We’ve been together for a year and a half. I’m having some doubts about his honesty. We planned our first vacation, just the two of us. Somehow it ends up that his buddy is going with us. I work four nights a week, which he usually spends with his buddy. He has now started spending some nights I don’t work with his buddy. Also, I’ve found he has been on my computer many times looking at gay porn on the Internet. When we have sex we are very creative and experimental, but we only have sex three or four times a month. When I try to initiate sex more often he gets giggly and pushes me away. He strongly denies having any gay feelings. Am I out of line or is he keeping secrets? —Demanding Real Explanations Without Lies

A: Perhaps the man you plan on spending the rest of your life with might be a glamorous jewel thief or a young wizard or is personally hiding weapons of mass destruction in his colon. About the only thing we know about him for sure is this: HE’S A BIG, FAT, SCREAMING HOMO! He doesn’t much like having sex with you, he’s got a special “buddy,” he’s downloading gay porn, and he’s “giggly”? If he’s trying to keep his homosexuality secret, DREWL, he’s not trying too damn hard. DTMFA!

Q: My wife refuses to give me a blow job. I’ve eaten her out about 300 times in our four years together and she hasn’t been down on me for a total of even 30 seconds. We discussed this issue before marriage. She promised she would “go oral” but never has. I ALWAYS make sure she orgasms when we have sex but as soon as she does I’m no longer a priority. PLEASE help. —Sad And Mad

A: Whenever I tell someone in your shoes to DTMFA — and that’s exactly what I’m going to tell you to do, SAM — I get a ton of mail from women insisting that a wife would only refuse to “go oral” if her husband was doing something terribly, terribly wrong. (“He doesn’t bathe.” “He doesn’t help around the house.” “He’s a jerk.”) Apparently straight women are cocksucking monsters until their husbands screw up and then — wham! — their jaws slam shut. Still, I don’t see why these women get so angry when I tell a straight guy whose wife won’t go oral to leave. We can all agree that SAM is unhappy with the way things are — no oral! — and that SAM’s wife is unhappy with the way SAM is — dirty, inconsiderate, jerky — which means they’re better off without each other, right? So DTMFA, SAM, DTMFA!

Q: I like to have my pussy played with before sex, but my boyfriend thinks this is unclean. What can I do so that he stops thinking like this? —Ignored And Hurt

A: Oddly, I don’t get a lot of angry mail when I tell someone like IAH, a woman whose sexual needs aren’t being met by her boyfriend or husband, to DTMFA. No men write in claiming that the boyfriend/ husband in question would play with the pussy in question for hours and hours if only this woman in question weren’t dirty, inconsiderate and thoughtless. Why? Anyone sending in an angry letter about my advice for SAM should devote a paragraph or two to this odd double standard. And in the meantime, IAH, you need to DTMFA!