It's not the heat – it's the fetishes

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US

Holy crap. What a bevy of festivities Detroiters had to choose from this past weekend! Area:One at Pine Kno … uh, the DTE Energy Music Theatre (still located on Pine Knob Road by the way), the return of Speedball at the Magic Bag, the Shelter Me benefit, and, of course, that small, low-key, not overly publicized get-together known as Detroit 300. Unless you’ve been living under a hubcap on the side of I-75, you already know about all Detroit turning the big three-oh-oh, and were probably down at Hart Plaza at some point to gawk at the tall ships or get repeatedly plowed into by the pulsating throng of bodies that packed the area — that is, if you were actually able to find a parking spot that was less than five miles away. So many people traversed downtown on Saturday that at some point just about every single road leading downtown was shut off, leading to some not-so-happy commuters. In fact, Josie Siegler of Auburn Hills was overheard quipping: “I should just walk from Auburn Hills — it’ll be faster than actually driving.” There were simply too many people spotted to mention them all; needless to say, if you’ve ever ventured south of Eight Mile, you were probably there and feel free to write your name in here: __________. The enormously frustrating traffic and parking situation did not seem to dampen the spirits of attendees — although the humidity index certainly dampened their clothing, as the temperatures were unsufferably New Orleans-esque; I walked out of my apartment with a buck-fifty in change stuck to my ass.

After Marcus Belgrave finished up his performance at the local stage, he beautifully summed up Detroit 300 in one terse sentence: “It’s been great — now I have to walk five miles to my car and find someplace to pee.”

SHELTER AT THE SHELTER

Words cannot describe the spectacular-ness of the Shelter Me benefit that rocked the Shelter on Saturday night. A special benefit for Jethro’s Place and the Michigan Animal Rescue League, the smokin’ soiree was put together by gothgrrls.org, a local private organization of faboo divas who are adamant animal lovers. The gothgrrls are not professional promoters or producers (although they are an enormously talented, resourceful and well-connected bunch), they are simply a group of sentimental grrlies who heard the story of Leo, a horrifically abused kitty left for dead in an elevator, and were so touched they were moved to do something about it. The entire proceeds went to the two no-kill shelters, which do not euthanize healthy, treatable animals, and do not sell them to animal researchers. (This is a shockingly common practice at some animal shelters.) Despite the nightmarish tangle of traffic and parking caused by Detroit 300, and numerous competing events, the event still drew a huge crowd and the ladies were able to raise approximately $1,200 for the shelters. The event was also marred by numerous lousy occurrences — the lack of a suitable CD player for the DJ, and the Shelter being completely flooded with rainwater when the bands showed up for sound check — but it was still an extremely successful, highly professional event. You go, gothgrrls!

Big huge hugs and kisses go out to the Bomb Pops, who were able to fill in at the 11th hour, when Stroker Ace had to cancel due to uncontrollable circumstances. Not only did the Pops do a huge favor to the gothgrrls, their performance also kicked much ass, and they all seemed extremely happy to be there. Other stellar performances came from bowling superstars sweatysuedelips — representing the “cat people” in the crowd — and deathgirl.com, who were the official “dog people” representation. In between sets, the socially conscious bargoers danced to the spinning from three inventive, dedicated and engaging DJs, spinstress merciful elyse (Elyse Reardon), DJ SPAG (Kelly Joseph) and DJ Kris+alis (Sara Krist). DJ SPAG was working double duty, running back and forth from his concurrent DJ gig across the street at Steve’s for yet another SPAG night, while Kris+alis had the crowd enormously entertained with her highly creative first set, which was comprised entirely of songs with the word “cat” or “dog” in the title — a masterful mixing of eclectic songs like the booty anthem “Who Let Tha Dogs Out,” Poison’s “Look What the Cat Dragged In,” a glam-rock power number, and the Stray Cats’ “Stray Cat Strut.” Extra special props to spinstress merciful elyse for being so graciously understanding when I accidentally dropped her on her ass whilst doing a poorly executed dip during a bastardized rendition of swing dancing. Oh, yeah, I was the MC.

Super ultra foxy models Krista Saint André, Kate Sassak, Cori Lockman, Michelle Kinyon, JohnCarr, Lexie Arnold and Tiffany Holtzkemper lit up the room — literally — in their LED-powered fetish fashions by designer Nyte, who was showcasing her inventive seamstress skills for the evening. The grrlies were also sporting some stunning hair and makeup, provided by the divas of Agape, Emily Fox, Meredith Kerekes and Sandra Whitaker.

Spotted in the mix: J Zureki, headaque of Ceoxime, photographer Scott Sprague, Chris Levitan, Halim Cho, Anna Sassak, Laura Perye, the soon-to-be-married Monica Mitchell and DJ Jon Noble. Extra special thanks to Alex Tear, Rachelle Liszak, Julie and Nate, Jennifer Jeffery, Raven Eve for the lovely jewelry, Michele Mortem for the Carpe Mortem swag, Kate Pohjola, Lisa “Spag Hag” Wright, Sean Bieri for the logo, Wendy Brandon for helping with my hair, and everyone who helped to make the evening what it was — whupass!

PUSH IT

Still perky after the evening’s MC duties, I scampered off to Push in Eastern Market for some after-hours shenanigans with aspiring Playgirl model Gary Bredow, photographer Brett Carson, and my “husband” Jason Simon, where we encountered late-night celebrities including Allison Mayers, Sara Crespo, John Schoenml and Nikki Palmer. First Push is open, then it’s closed, and now it’s open again? Let’s hope it stays open, since that place is kickin’!