Everyone is extremely horny for the Blue Angels — except me

On Tuesday, the Navy's Blue Angels flew over Detroit as part of a nationwide "salute" to coronavirus frontline workers, leaving a trail of swooning Michiganders in their wake. (And also chemtrails ... maybe.)

Basically, it seems like everyone is extremely horny for these six F/A-18 Hornets. Just look at the Free Press's breathless headline: "In flying over Michigan, Blue Angels send jet fuel through our souls."

Sounds kinky.

To be clear, the demonstration lasted, like, 30 seconds as the six planes flew across the sky. Even bad sex lasts longer than that.

I guess if there's anything white people love, it's demonstrations of military might. I just wish I could feel anything when I look at those blue jets, though — or at least anything other than disappointment.

It seems that ever since a certain pussy-grabbing philanderer bumbled his way into the Oval Office, America has collectively suffered from what Sigmund Freud would call some major daddy issues. Witness the rise of memes like "choke me daddy" and "big dick energy" in recent years, and the fawning over father figures like Dr. Anthony Fauci and New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. America needs a dad — and in the absence of that, it seems that several tons of military metal hurtling through the air will do.

It probably doesn't help that we've been in social isolation for more than six weeks now and everyone has a bit of cabin fever.

Was it all just style over substance? The Free Press wrote that the high-flying show wasn't just propaganda for the military ... it was actually propaganda for the American Dream.

"The Blue Angels ... don’t just exist to help recruit sailors or sell the military," they wrote. "They exist to remind us what’s possible. To show us that ingenuity and dedication and practice can lead to something wondrous."

Well, to me, the Blue Angels were only a reminder that America is seriously lacking in that department lately. The coronavirus is a problem that America can't just simply bomb its way out of with its military like the good old days, and we were revealed to be utterly impotent when it came time to dealing with it.

I wish we had a president who didn't spend months ignoring and downplaying the threat of the virus, and then when shit hit the fan, declared, "I don't take responsibility at all." What if the administration didn't shred Obama's pandemic playbook? And what if the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention didn't botch its rollout of coronavirus testing?

Hell, any sort of signal that the current administration believes in a thing called "science" would help put me at ease here. But lately, I don't feel like my government is doing its job of keeping me safe.

On Wednesday, Michigan Air National Guard's 127th Wing repeated the Blue Angels' gesture, flying over local hospitals.The planes' path over nearby Beaumont in Royal Oak just reminded me of the time I was charged $600 for a visit in which I received absolutely no procedures or treatment — which in turn just reminded me that in the middle of an unprecedented health care crisis, our nation's health care system remains a joke. I'm reminded that there is no longer a presidential candidate in the race advocating for universal health care. I'm shocked that there aren't more people demanding it.

The demonstration reminded me that there is no real national plan to fight the coronavirus — just governors left to form their own sub-national alliances. There is no plan for large-scale coronavirus testing, as other nations have done to keep their cases in check. There's just the hope that we can wait this out long enough to avoid straining the health care system, hopefully until a vaccine can be produced.

The blue planes are a reminder of what is possible, I suppose — and how we so thoroughly squandered it.

So I'm sorry, but no, I can't get it up right now for the jets.

Stay on top of Detroit news and views. Sign up for our weekly issue newsletter delivered each Wednesday.