Dealing with picky eaters

Hey, everybody: I’m on vacation, and this column is a repeat — but a very, very special repeat. I recently told a woman who signed herself “Confused” that it was unreasonable of her not to give a few blow jobs to save her marriage. The mail has been pouring in ever since, from angry women (and their fathers), all insisting that no woman should give head if she doesn’t dig it. When I replied that oral sex is now standard and not some bizarre kink that a guy has to feel guilty for expecting or asking for, even more mail poured in. “How dare you make women who don’t like giving head feel guilty,” wrote one angry reader, adding the inevitable, “your column on oral sex was the moral equivalent of rape.” Sigh. Just to prove that I’m an equal-opportunity guilt-tripper, here’s a column I wrote a few years ago about men who won’t eat pussy. Interestingly, I didn’t get a single outraged letter from women (or their dads) when I suggested that men have a duty to go down on their wives and girlfriends:

Q: I am 24 and my husband is 37. I have a very serious problem when it comes to our sex life: My husband doesn’t give me any foreplay or oral sex. I ask for it very nicely — how much I would like for him to do it — but it just don’t get done; his knees always hurt or he has a backache. Backache or not, he likes for me to do him. Lately I’ve been thinking of seeking comfort from someone a little younger. Could you give me some of that clever, rude advice on how to ask him in a shitty-ass way to give me some head? I haven’t had an orgasm in three years. —Backed Up

A: Here’s a snappy, smart-ass line that might do the trick: “Eat my pussy or I’ll break your fucking legs.” If that doesn’t work, try this one: “Honey, you’re going to eat my pussy or I’m going to divorce your sorry ass.” The next time he wants some head, say: “Does my baby-lamb want a blow job? Well, fuck off, you selfish, unresponsive bastard. Do you know it’s been three years since I had an orgasm? Suck your own goddamned dick!” As for steppin’ out for the oral sex you deserve: Go for it. Your husband sounds like the type who’d rather be cheated on than pestered for sex. Find yourself a hot number around your own age with a tongue that won’t quit. Then take out a large life insurance policy on the box of rocks you married, encourage him to take up drinking and driving, and keep your fingers crossed.

Q: I’ve been with the same man for a wee bit over a year now, and generally I’m pretty happy with him. He says he’s crazy about me, and I believe him. But there’s one problem — he won’t eat me out! He says he doesn’t like the way it tastes. On one occasion he said, “I won’t eat something that tastes like chicken and smells like fish.” Do you have any ideas or incentives for him to submit to pleasuring my nether folds with his beautiful tongue? —Unlicked, Unsatisfied, Unhappy

A: Find yourself a new lover. Personally, I don’t think women should waste their time dating men who think pussy is disgusting; on some level, they think women are disgusting. Why would you date someone who finds you, and your genitals, revolting? I wouldn’t waste 30 minutes, let alone a year, on a guy who wouldn’t put my dick in his mouth. Why straight girls condescend to date boys who won’t eat pussy is beyond me. Dump him.

Q: I am a nice healthy, handsome male in my late 20s, and I’ve been single since coming out at age 16. The longest relationship I had totaled somewhere around three weeks. I meet a guy, we get along, sex sometimes follows, and then he reveals a boyfriend, lover, wife or a disinterest in going any further. A bit of background: I am and have always been extremely attracted to bodybuilders (who isn’t?), mostly because I am thin and boyish and love the domineering appearance and physical beauty of muscular men. I have a difficult time hooking up with potential dates because this type of man is generally attracted to his own type. Even at the gym, I am unsuccessful at catching Hercules’ eye. I’ve tried the personals and met some guys, but didn’t usually meet guys I was physically attracted to; and the few times I was attracted, they never called again. I wonder what I’m doing wrong. Do I need psychological guidance or do I need to lower my standards and settle for someone I’m not really attracted to for the sake of having a relationship? —Lost In Paradise

A: You hit the nail on the head: Do you need to lower your standards? Yes you do, sugar cube. But don’t think of dating guys who aren’t bodybuilders as a lowering of your standards — think of it as learning to appreciate the beauty of men who don’t spend every waking moment in a gym. Think of it as “broadening your sexual horizons,” “acquiring a taste for regular guys” or “growing up.”

Face facts: Anyone with highly specialized tastes who is unwilling or unable to broaden his or her horizons is going to have a hard-ass time finding a lover. Deal with it. So get horny for different types of men, LIP, or reconcile yourself to a long, and potentially unsuccessful, search for your dream meathead. P.S. Who isn’t attracted to bodybuilders? Me. I’ll take a cute, skinny boy with the time to read books over an incredible hulk with nothing between his ears but steroid backwash any day.

Q: Fisting is a topic which continues to drift into sexual conversations with my lover. Neither of us has any experience with fisting, but we both have a healthy interest. Any chance you could help us out with a few hints for first-time fisters? We await your advice. —Lulu

A: You don’t say whether you’re boys or girls or one of each. But fisting, anal or vaginal, is advanced sexplay: Proceed with caution. Here are my tips:

1) Trim those fingernails.

2) Opera-length latex gloves.

3) Anal fisting? Enemas, enemas, enemas.

4) Anal or vaginal fisting? Lube, lube, lube.

5) Start with one finger, then two, three, four. When your partner is good and relaxed, make your hand as narrow as possible — press your thumb into your palm — and slip your whole hand in. Only when you’re all the way in do you make a fist.

6. Some anal fisters find poppers help them relax and release their butt. Poppers, of course, are illegal in the United States and I would never, never, never advise someone to fist under the influence of an illegal drug. But I’ve heard poppers are very helpful.

7. Go slowly.

8. Remove your watch or have it removed for you.