Q: Now that your readers have successfully coined the term “santorum,” why don’t they co-opt the name of another hate monger? After being fired from his MSNBC talk show for telling a gay caller that he should “get AIDS and die, you pig” and “go eat a sausage and choke on it,” shock-jock Michael Savage certainly deserves to have his name immortalized as an offensive sex act. And all the innocent people named Savage out there will just have to deal with it, won’t they? —NF
A: Sorry, NF, but “savage” has a sexual meaning already. (“I would like to savage your good-looking, sweet, sensitive, hung, 19-year-old boyfriend.”) And shock-jock Michael Savage’s real last name is Weiner, which also has a sexual meaning already. (“Real Savages everywhere hate Michael Weiner for appropriating our last name; as far as we’re concerned he can go eat his own weiner and choke on it.”)
And despite pleas from many readers to think up sexual meanings for Scalia (those flakes that fall out of your pubes the morning after sex?), Frist (fisting someone up to your wrist?), Rehnquist (that thin, clear fluid that is sometimes mixed in with a man’s come?), and Clarence (when an angel gets his red wings?), I’m done with new sexual terms for the moment — with one exception: A drunk friend recently mispronounced “continental drift” and it came out sounding like “cunnilingual drift.” We brainstormed up a few meanings for cunnilingual drift before settling on this one: When a person’s tongue drifts down to a woman’s anus, on purpose or by accident, during an intense session of cunnilingus. Proper usage: “Man, I was so drunk I didn’t even realize I was savaging her butthole! It was cunnilingual drift, dude!”
Q: Remember how one time (or maybe two times) you warned a guy not to condition his body to come only in response to a particular kind of stimulation? Your exact words were “… if you hold your cock in a death grip every time, you may find it difficult to climax as the result of other, more subtle sensations.” Unfortunately, I read your excellent advice about 30 years too late. So now, while women think it’s cool that I can stay hard all night, they eventually get a complex because, though they’re having orgasms galore, they can’t seem to make me come. It’s not them, of course. It’s the years of death-grip masturbation. What can I do to climax in response to “more subtle sensations”? —A Big Fan
A: You’ll have to swear off the death grip forever, ABF, if you want your dick to respond to more subtle sensations. When you jerk off, use a light touch and let it take as long as it takes — and it may take a while. When you’re with a woman, fuck her brains out and give her orgasms galore and when it’s time for you to come — the moment you’re used to taking matters into your own hands and finishing yourself off with the death grip — force yourself to use her body or her mouth or her pussy or, if you must use your own hand, use that same light touch you’ve been practicing with when you beat off. If you don’t come, tough shit. To avoid giving the women you’re with complexes, warn them in advance that you’re trying to retrain your dick. While this approach may be frustrating in the short run, in the long run only this approach — a light touch, a firm resolve and consistent denial — will kick your dick’s dormant nerve endings into gear. Or it may not.
Your problem may not be fixable, ABF, because your dick, after 30 years of abuse, may be too far gone. If that’s the case you may have to accept your fate, adjust and deal. Fuck your girlfriends until they’re satisfied, then pull out, use the death grip, and when you’ve reached the point of no return stuff it back in her. If your girlfriends complain or develop complexes, ABF, you can accuse them of enforcing a sexist double standard. There are lots of women out there who can’t come from vaginal intercourse alone. Most women, in fact, require more intense, focused stimulation — oral, fingers, vibrators — in order to get off. And according to my dog-eared copy of Sex Advice Columns: Standards and Practices, I’m supposed to come down like 10 tons of shit on men who make women feel guilty about needing more stimulation than dicks alone can provide. It seems to me that if women who require the female equivalent of the death grip (say, a Hitachi Magic Wand) aren’t supposed to feel bad, then men like you, ABF, shouldn’t feel bad either.
Q: During sex with my boyfriend, I can’t have an orgasm. By myself I can have an orgasm in a minute or less without even touching myself: I just put my legs together and pulse, which is not anything I can do with a partner, unfortunately. We’re both 19 and have been having sex for eight months now almost every day, yet I still haven’t had a single orgasm. It’s not that he can’t keep it up long enough. It’s not a trust issue; I trust him more than anyone, and he always makes me feel good in bed and always makes me feel really sexy. He’s very attractive and has a good-sized penis, so what the fuck is wrong with me? He makes me so horny but it never gets to a climax, even when rubbing my clit during penetration. I’m not worried about STDs because he’s been checked, and I’m on the pill so pregnancy never even enters my mind. This is the only sex problem we have, as we would both do anything for each other in bed. I just want to have an orgasm with the man I love. —Wanting Orgasm
A: Here’s a case in point, ABF. According to Sex Advice Columns: Standards and Practices, I’m supposed to tell WO not to stress about it, to accept her body and the way it responds, and to incorporate what works for her — pulsing off — into the sex she has with her boyfriend. But nowhere in Standards and Practices am I instructed to give men similar advice. And I think that’s fucked up, don’t you?
Anyway, WO, here’s my advice: If you can make yourself come when you’re alone, you can make yourself come when you’re with your boyfriend. Who says you can’t pulse with a partner? If your good-looking, sweet, sensitive, hung, 19-year-old boyfriend will do anything for you in bed — and is there a more beautiful sentence fragment in the whole English language than “good-looking, sweet, sensitive, hung, 19-year-old boyfriend who’ll do anything for you in bed”? — he should be willing to watch you make yourself come. He’ll probably get off on watching you pulse off. Once you’re good and comfortable pulsing off in front of him, you can progress to having him hold you while you pulse off, then to you pulsing off while he eats your pussy, and finally you can attempt to pulse off while his dick’s inside you.
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