Be careful how you sign off

Q: I hope this letter will be a nice break between snot-suckers and shit-eaters. I am 18 now, going to college, and I think I may be in love. I met this girl on one of my first days in college and I can barely get through the day without thinking about her. Not in a sexual way (although that would be nice), I just can’t keep her face out of my mind or her voice out of my ears. How can know if I truly am in love with her, and what I should do if I am? I can’t ask my friends, because we met a lot of the same people; I’d feel like a dork asking my parents. —Dreadful Advice Never Invades Savage’s Type, Helping Even Mucophogists Attain Nirvana

A: There’s a good reason sex-advice columns are filled with letters from snot-suckers and shit-eaters, DANISTHEMAN: They’re freaks, their problems are interesting and the answers aren’t always obvious. Your letter, on the other hand, is the dullest letter I’ve ever run. And your question? “Is it love?” That’s precisely the kind of problem a young man is forced to take to his parents because no one else besides his parents could give even the teeniest, tiniest, turdiest shit.

Are you truly in love with this girl? Only time will tell, DANISTHEMAN. Ask her out, date her, and if you’re still crazy about her after 50 years of marriage, well, then it was love.

So if DANISTHEMAN’s letter is so dull, I hear other readers murmuring, why am I running it? Because DANISTHEMAN has provided me with an opportunity to send a very important message: ENOUGH WITH STRAINED ACRONYMS ALREADY. The reason I started making acronyms out of people’s sign-offs was to save space. Alert readers noticed and soon they were creating cute little sign-offs that, once they were turned into acronyms, spelled out something like SNOT or SHIT or FUCK. But things have been getting out of hand on the acronym front. While I appreciate everyone’s efforts — and in the case of DANISTHEMAN, the sentiment — endless sign-offs that spell out clunky, run-on sentences don’t really save me any space. So I’m not running any more sign-offs that result in acronyms longer than five letters after this week.

Q: I’m a straight girl, but as time progresses I find myself more and more attracted to women. My first sexual experience was with a woman, so it’s pretty apparent that I’m bisexual. But I don’t know who I can talk to about this or how I can meet other bisexual women. I go to a rather large university and have been dating men consistently for the past few years, but I want women. —Hot And Lonely

A: Finding another bisexual college girl at a large university, HAL, is about as difficult as finding a beer bong on frat row — if you can’t find one, you’re not looking very hard. According to the new issue of Details (yes, the one with Ashton Kutcher on the cover), people under 25 are all freakin’ bisexual these days — even the boys. While some may be tempted to dismiss the story as so much wishful thinking on the part of Details’ editors (especially the part about the boys), I know for a fact that it’s true. Once upon a time on American college campuses only girls could be casually bisexual, dabble a bit, and still be taken seriously when they claimed to be straight after graduation. Now straight guys are being cut similar sexual slack and I think that’s just swell.

So how do you find yourself a girl, HAL? You open your mouth and start telling people you’re bisexual, for starters, and once you’re comfortable doing that, you start hitting on girls you find attractive. Make yourself easy to find and some hot girl will come along and nab you — but don’t be surprised if she wants to bring along her frat-rat boyfriend, his beer bong, and the dude he’s messing around with on the side too.

Q: My boyfriend broke up with me after a six-week relationship. A few of my friends say that I had sex with him too soon. I’ve just gotten back into the dating pool (after a divorce and a long recovery period), and I’m wondering how long one is supposed to hold out. I slept with him after seven dates. I really liked him, but did I look cheap to him? I even dressed up in skirts and sexy nylons to please him on our dates (per his request), and really tried to please him and make him happy. Am I so off-base to think that this is the way to get a guy? Do I have to play games and act hard to get? Or is he just an asshole? —Calling on Notable for Urgent Sage Edifying Direction

A: When in doubt, CONFUSED, always assume the other person is an asshole. If you were writing in after suffering through a string of similar breakups, well, then I might tell you to look inside. But getting dumped by one guy after six weeks? That doesn’t really prove anything. All we know for sure is that, for whatever reason, it didn’t work out with Mr. Skirt and Panties. The willingness of your friends to find fault with you tells us more about them — they’re assholes too — than it does about what went wrong with Mr. SAP.

Q: I’m a woman looking for a domination/submission thing. I met this guy online, but I don’t have a picture of him or a real name. He claims he’ll give this all to me when we meet. We’re supposed to meet for a quick coffee, just to see how things go. We have talked on the phone, but I still have nothing else. Should I hold out for a picture and a name, or should I just meet him, with a friend, in a public place? —D/S Confused

A: If you tell him that you’re nervous about meeting him without knowing his real name and he still won’t tell you, well, that’s a very bad sign, DSC. If he’s unwilling to make you feel comfortable and safe about just your first meeting, how is this guy going to treat you, and what regard will he have for your comfort levels, once you’re, say, tied up in the midst of a D/S scene? There are plenty of other kinky guys out there, DSC, so don’t settle for someone who gives you the creeps or acts like one.