Food (and drink) to get you through the holidays

If you want to skip whatever meal your folks plan to serve up Christmas Day, it bears emphasizing that your local Chinese shop will likely be open. General Tso's chicken, spring rolls, fried rice, whatever the hell you need, find comfort in whatever lands in the box you take home.

Look, chances are you're going to eventually get sick of leftovers. Why not save yourself the trouble and pick up a greasy-ass pizza pie from the local shop? It'll save you the trouble of cooking, and it'll almost certainly complement a shitty winter afternoon with that wonderful feeling of being over-stuffed.

Could there be a more perfect holiday liquor? Bring it to parties, splash it in your Coca-Cola or in your egg nog, pour an ounce in a cuppa tea with honey ... or just keep your flask filled as you make your holiday rounds. It's the perfect way to warm up after a long, cold day of shopping.

If you're vegan, vegetarian, or if you suffer from any number of allergies including gluten, soy, peanut, or milk, the holidays can be vicious. How many parties will you attend that have food you can eat? Probably none. That's why it's imperative that you keep with you a bag of munchies and a dish to pass. No one will say "no" to an extra dish of food at a party (make sure it's something you can eat with enough to share). And by keeping a bag of munchies with you, whether be carrots, cashews, kale chips, or power bars, you'd be surprised how just a little bit of food will get you through another trip to Best Buy, or hold you over through an office party until you get home.

Use whatever turkey remains from Thanksgiving however you see fit: turkey sandwiches, turkey casserole, microwaved turkey — really, whatever pleases your palate. Do yourself a favor and make it right with some mashed potatoes, frozen or not. Remember, you're just trying to get by.

Forget the extra cream and sugar — it's cold as fuck outside and you need to stay warm. Find the closest gas station, or fill up a to-go cup at home, and drink a raw, thick-as-mud cup of black coffee. You won't regret having that warm buzz when you're sitting in your car, lodged in a shitty traffic jam that everyone knows will happen this winter, again and again.

OK, so this green veggie probably isn't the first food to come to mind when you think of holiday feeding frenzies, but trust us, you're going to want to stock up on this healthy side dish now. The benefits of asparagus are many, especially since you're probably going to be surviving on chocolate and ham from now until Jan. 2, so adding some greens can't hurt. Asparagus is a good source of fiber, which means it keeps things, uh, moving, plus it's rich in a detoxifying compound that helps break down carcinogens and other free radicals. It helps with hangovers, has anti-aging properties, and is a natural diuretic.

The holidays are often painful, and potentially nauseating. If you have a cold, they're even worse. Be prepared with over-the-counter pain medication. We know it's not a food, but ... you know.