Eat this!

I know it's been snowing and raining, and there's gonna be a war probably Over There, or most definitely another massive nasty shot at us (as in U.S.) Over Here, from The Enemy, with probably a dirty bomb or some anthrax or smallpox with mustard gas on it. And the fucking space shuttle fell apart and ripped a flaming hole in the sky, and scumbags are trying to take pieces of it home as souvenirs. And there's these fights and fires and people are getting maced and trampled and burned up in dangerous, overcrowded nightclubs where people just go to have fun. And a whole airplane full of Iranian Revolutionary Guards — hundreds of 'em — in Iran crashed into a mountain, and it was an accident, but try telling that to the Iranians, who say they can't repair their airplanes properly because of us (as in U.S.) and our sanctions, and they say they can't buy any shiny new airplanes because there's too many sanctioned parts in them from the U.S. (as in us). And they put organs that didn't match into that poor girl, and so she never had a chance, and actual real-life slaves made my Valentine's Day candy. But what I'm focusing on, what's really bothering me, my No. 1 beef, is these pizza places that insist on marketing ancillary pizza dough products made out of more pizza dough.

Yeah, that's what's got my dander up, my knickers in a twist, my panties in a wad, if you will, because come on, what the fuck am I supposed to do about all that other shit, huh? Protest? Light a candle? Don't buy oil?

Fuck all this oil shit. I'm so sick of having to be careful with the oil and conserve the oil and don't spill the oil and only get the oil from places that have already been despoiled. So look, let's just get it over with and Use Up All the Oil. Let's get it all, wherever it is. Let's track it down to its holes and smoke it the fuck out, every great goddamn good-to-the-last-drop of oil. If we Use It All Up, nobody will fight over it, right? Everybody who can should just buy the biggest stupidest Humm-Job or Excursionator or whatever and just leave it running all the time. Look, I'm no Business Expert, but I'm pretty sure when there's no more oil, that will create some of that "supply and demand" economy-type action on these automobile makers (who will all of a sudden be manufacturing a product that has no fuel) to make one of those hydrogen cars or something.

Man, when there's no more oil, it's gonna be great. Trust me. There's gonna be all kinds of sailboat cars and solar-panel cars and electric cars and nuclear cars when there's no more oil. It's gonna be swell, having an Atomic Cruise Missile Chrysler or a shiny new Cadillac Eldo-Hydrogeno with 22-inch rims and a plasmatronic DVD satellite radio and shit. But that's a little while off, and since I already did my part and took care of the hard brain-type concepting work in my Bold New Plan to Eradicate Oil, I'm gonna do a little detail work and worry about some minor stuff like these pizza places that are trying to kill us, as in us.

Domino's comes out with those Dunkin' Donuts Munchkins-looking dough balls with cinnamon and icing on 'em for you to eat with your pizza because, as we all know, there isn't enough fucking dough already in fucking pizza (already), so you got to go get you 12 more balls of dough for dessert after you eat your pizza pie and drink a two-liter bottle of sugary beverage. And, oh yeah, they're like so wa-aay different because they don't have pizza sauce on them, see? They have icing and cinnamon on them, and there's nothing like stuffing your face with sweetened pizza dough after a huge meal of, say, some salty pizza dough. Yin and yang, doughwise, dig?

And this goddamn fucking Papa John is no better. He's not my papa. This criminal is selling bread sticks made out of dough to go along with your pizza made out of dough, and then, for afters, "Papa" John has the nutritious Cinnapie, which is more fucking dough with cinnamon and icing for you to cram into your doughhole. And of course, the delicious bread-sticks side item comes with "dipping sauce." You are already deep in Fatass Deathpie Country if you are eating anything that comes with dipping sauce, OK?

And what about the Pizza Hut? They got a pizza that comes with cheese on top as standard equipment, but they don't stop there, man, no way. They put cheese inside the fucking crust of the pizza, just in case you needed more. But then — and I gotta say, somebody stayed up late nights figuring this out — they put more cheese on top of the crust that already has cheese inside of it that encircles the main area of the pizza that is covered with cheese. Cheesus Christ, man. And the thing is, that one really got to me when I saw it on the teevee, because the cheese on top of the crust is all golden and round and delicious-looking . . . ohh, my aching pizza-piehole.

So look, stay away from that shit, OK? It weakens the Nation when everybody is lying around eating dough. Go out and get some nice fish or a vegetable or something, and take a couple laps around the block to prepare for outrunning the nerve gas and shrapnel. Joe MacLeod writes for City Paper, where the original version of this feature apperead. E-mail comments to letters@metrotimes.com