You know you havenÂ’t gotten laid during quarantine if the words “dry-rubbed and smoked low and slow” get you all hot and bothered. Well, keep your clothes on and grab a moist towelette (sorry), because these essential metro Detroit barbecue joints are doing god’s work: filling our stomachs — which, to no fault of our own, have been filled with canned soup and Pop-Tarts for, like, three months now — with brisket, pulled pork, and, yes, burnt ends. Vegans, you’ll have to sit this one out because we’ve got it bad. P.S. Our safe word is “rib tips.” 

A.B.’s Amazing Ribs 27310 Ford Rd., Dearborn; 313-914-2159; abamazingribs.com Two words: Fucking Waygu brisket. OK — so that’s three words, but this Dearborn classic has the most important word right in the damn name. Photo via A.B.’s Amazing Ribs/Facebook
Arkins Sweet BBQ Pit 30140 Southfield Rd., Southfield; 248-731-7397; arkinsbbq.com All truly great barbecue comes with a secret, and no, we’re not talking about, like, the time you hit your neighbor’s car and didn’t leave a note. We’re talking about Arkins Sweet BBQ Pit and their top-secret meat rub, which they use for their St. Louis pork ribs, chicken, beef brisket, and their friggin’ rack of lamb. Photo via Arkins Sweet BBQ Pit/Facebook
Bad Brad’s BBQ Various locations; badbradsbbq.com Sometimes it feels good to be bad. Such is the case for one of metro Detroit’s top spots for finger-lickin’ barbecue, Bad Brad’s, which has several locations. Hours before we wake up, the Bad Brad’s team is already awake, caffeinated, and doing god’s work: smoking meat. From the smoker to the plate, everything at Bad Brad’s is made from scratch, including six barbecue sauces. Our favorite? The 321 — three parts sweet, two parts spicy, and one part sour. Photo via Bad Brad’s BBQ/Facebook
Lee’s Texas Style Bar-B-Q 14001 Fenkell Ave., Detroit; 313-452-4940 Everything’s bigger in Texas — but what they don’t tell you is that, well, everything is a bit tastier, too. Family-owned and operated Lee’s Texas Style Bar-B-Q specializes in ribs and chicken, along with seafood and all the made-from-scratch soul food sides like the rich five-cheese mac and cheese. Don’t forget the sweet potato pie because, well, duh. Photo by Tom Perkins
Bert’s Market Place 2727 Russell St., Detroit; 313-567-2030; bertsentertainmentcomplex.com If you haven’t been to Bert’s Saturday morning barbecue cookout, you’re missing out. The slabs of ribs and smoked sausage are cooked on a massive outdoor charcoal grill, filling Eastern Market with mouthwatering smells. Plus, they have karaoke. Photo via Bert’s Marketplace/Facebook Credit: Facebook, Bert's Marketplace
The Bone Yard Bar-B-Que 31006 Orchard Lake Rd., Farmington Hills; 248-851-7000; originalboneyard.com We know you’re sick of being home but trust us when we say the award-winning homestyle ribs at The Bone Yard Bar-B-Que make it all better. If you can smoke it and slather it in sauce, the Bone Yard in Farmington Hills probably has it — and then some. Let the drooling commence. Photo via Bone Yard Bar-B-Que/Facebook
Sweetwater Tavern 400 E. Congress St., Detroit; 313-962-2210; sweetwatertavern.net There’s reason to be skeptical of old-school Detroit restaurants considered to be the best at certain dishes. Oftentimes, what passed for good for decades is now mediocre. But Sweetwater, a perennial favorite for wings, doesn’t disappoint. These are what wings should be: vinegary, spicy, and charred but still moist. Where mere mortals will pack wings with too much salt or rely heavily on cayenne and heat, the wing gods at Sweetwater know about balance and how to produce a piquant wing that lives up to the hype. Photo by Tom Perkins
Uptown BBQ Detroit 15700 Livernois Ave., Detroit; 313-861-7590; uptownbbqdetroit.com Uptown, a barbecue and soul food legend, sits on Livernois between the Lodge and the University of Detroit. Even if you’ve never been there, you might have caught a whiff of its huge, black smoking cans parked out front of the shop. Uptown’s racks come coated in a thick glaze of deep red, slightly sweet sauce that’s wrapped up neat in your carryout container. Mention Uptown in conversation and the sides will invariably come up. Don’t miss the mac and cheese and black-eyed peas. Photo by Tom Perkins
Delray Barbecue 600 Solvay, Detroit; 313-437-3412; delraybarbecue.com OK — so we know that when you think of culinary destinations that Delray in Southwest Detroit may not, you know, be the first spot you think of. But Delray Barbecue fired up the smoker to serve you classic barbecue staples like ribs, brisket, pulled pork, kielbasa, chicken, and burnt ends. Photo via Delray Barbecue/Facebook
Detroit 75 Kitchen 4800 W. Fort St., Detroit; 313-843-3215; detroit75kitchen.com This artisanal Southwest Detroit food truck has a little bit of everything — and a lot of it is barbecued to perfection — from chicken shawarma, chicken tenders, to barbecue chicken egg rolls, beef subs, and hickory-smoked chicken. Photo via Detroit 75 Kitchen/Facebook
Joe Ann’s 3139 Jerome St., Detroit; 313-366-3775 Joe Ann’s is one of the longest-running barbecue operations in Detroit (if not the longest-running), first serving up its delicious ‘cue 65 years ago. If you go to Joe Ann’s bright yellow building that’s decorated with a picture of a grillin’ pig and a proclamation that the restaurant is the castle of Detroit’s “BBQ Queen.” The best place to start here is the chicken: the BBQ Queen knows her bird, which is moist and falls off the bone in a manner that isn’t common in Detroit’s barbecue joints. Photo by Lee DeVito
Jayell Smoke House 221 1/2 N. Bailey, Romeo; 586-281-3943; jayellsmokehouse.net What started as a hobby in 2012 has grown into Jayell Smoke House in Romeo, home to 30 in-house barbecue rubs and seasonings, as well as 12 sauces that ranges from Belle Isle Red to Peach Habanero. Photo via Jayell Smoke House/Facebook
Lockhart’s BBQ 202 E. Third St., Royal Oak; 248-584-4227; lockhartsbbq.com Smoked pork nachos? No problem! An entire basket of cornbread because there is no swimsuit season this year? Let’s do it! What about a full rack of St. Louis cut spare ribs because chaos is a ladder that you’re currently dangling from? Leave it to Royal Oak staple, Lockhart’s BBQ. Photo via Lockhart’s BBQ/Facebook
Parks Old Style Bar-B-Q 7444 Beaubien St., Detroit; 313-873-7444; parksoldstylebar-b-q.com Remember that Buster Poindexter song from the ’90s, “Hot Hot Hot”? No? Uh, OK, anyway the song embodies the “North End Detroit” heat of Parks Old Style Bar-B-Q which means cayenne-powder dusted chicken that is, well, hot, hot, hot. Opened in 1964, they now go through 2,500-3,000 of ribs each week because, yeah, it’s that friggin’ good. Photo via Google Maps
Royal Barbecue Pizza 5844 Mt. Elliott St., Detroit; 313-923-2222 No frills and good food? We’re not fussy, especially when it comes to fried chicken and ribs. This casual take-out restaurant is a favorite among locals who know what’s up. Photo via Royal Barbecue Pizza/Facebook
Slows 2 Go 4107 Cass Ave., Detroit; 313-309-7560; slowsbarbq.com/locations/togo For many, a trip to Detroit is not complete without getting downright spicy and sticky at Slow’s Bar-B-Q. While the flagship Corktown location remains closed, Slows 2 Go is open for pre-orders, which can be picked up on Saturday’s and Sundays. Photo via Slow’s Bar-B-Q/Facebook
Smoke Street BBQ 424 N. Main St., Milford; 248-529-6464; smokestreetmilford.com What if we told you family-owned Smoke Street BBQ in Milford smokes meat in-house for up to 12 hours with hickory and cherry wood? What if we told you we’re starving and please just fill us up with all of the meats? Oh, they also have something called the “Boss Hog Combo” which includes pulled pork, sliced brisket, sausage, cornbread, and two sides and, yeah, you can effortlessly add chicken and ribs because you’re a freak, baby. Photo via Smoke Street BBQ/Facebook
Southern Smokehouse 14340 W. McNichols Rd., Detroit; 313-397-4050; thesouthernsmokehouse One thing is true of the South: they know their way around a barbecue pit. Luckily for us metro Detroiters, family-owned Southern Smokehouse brings the southern heat with a wide array of barbecued meats and sides like collard greens, black-eyed peas, candied yams, and yes, mac and cheese. Photo via Southern Smokehouse/Facebook
Vicki’s BBQ 3845 W. Warren Ave., Detroit; 313-894-9906 Vicki’s is one of Detroit’s barbecue old-timers that’s up at the top of the list in any conversation on our barbecue heavyweights. That partly owes to the St. Louis-style cut ribs that Vicki’s cooks over an open pit (though you can also get them smoked). But the highlight in what’s basically a highlight reel meal is the vinegar and tomato-based sauce. Photo via Tom Perkins
Woodpile BBQ Shack 303 S. Main St., Clawson and 630 E. 11 Mile Rd., Madison Hts., woodpilebbqshack.com This ain’t your run of the mill shack. It’s shack-a-delic, baby, yeah. OK — we are clearly delirious from looking at Clawson-based Woodpile BBQ Shack’s menu, which promises all meat has been dry rubbed and smoked low and slow. Groovy! Photo via Woodpile BBQ Shack/Facebook

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