The 14 guys you'll find on Tinder in metro Detroit

By Metro Times editorial staff on Fri, Jul 1, 2016 at 4:17 pm

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Don’t deny it. We’ve all been there. Watching cheesy, romantic movies on a Friday night ALONE, reading relationship advice from Google experts, denying the fact that you’ve tried not one, but multiple dating sites and apps…and among these apps the notorious “hook-up” app - Tinder.

While there have been many studies about how dating apps have been slightly successful and mostly unsuccessful, us single ladies can’t resist the urge to try one out for ourselves.

For those of us who aren’t elite enough to make it on the “premier” dating apps, like The League and Raya, here’s a list of the types of guys us single ladies in Metro Detroit find on our screens during those late night Tinder swiping sessions.

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1.) The “21, but really I’m only 18” kid. Yes, the fakers still exist and their numbers are growing on the app. Though they aren’t jailbait, do avoid.

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2.) The mysterious, no description male. Featuring five pictures to scroll through that are low-light selfies or an overfiltered selfie #nofilter #fullofshit. Real hipster, bruh.

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3.) The athlete. Photos consist of him doing some incredible athletic feat, like benching 500 lbs or slam dunking a basketball. You go, Glen Coco.

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4.) The exchange student from -insert country here-. “I’m in Detroit for the semester. Need new friends. Hmu.”

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5.) The aspiring musician. Whether it be a drum, guitar, tambourine or mic stand, this guy has one or the other on his profile. After all, drummers bang harder, bassist do it deeper and whatever other musical innuendos you can think of.

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6.) The military man. They’re probably based in Michigan or have returned from being stationed somewhere else. Or they’re currently in-training.

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7.) The employees of Quicken Loans. Nothing wrong with having a job at one of the largest employers in Detroit, but some people take corporate pride to a whole nother level. Is writing that you work for Quicken a real panty-dropper?

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8.) The gym buffs. We get it. You work out.

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9.) The sarcastic, witty but really only “DTF” dude. These are the guys that usually have been “reviewed” by acclaimed sources like The New York Times… better known as “Mom.” While they do provide great conversation, the truth is they really just want to bang, just like the entire male Tinder population.

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10.) The “from Detroit” but actually from the suburbs wannabe gangster/future Eminem. You can change your Facebook profile to say you’re from Detroit, but the giant-ass house in your picture that’s part of a subdivision somewhere in the Macomb or Oakland region says otherwise.

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11.) The guy holding his Catch of the Day. Seriously, what is with this?

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12.) The “I sit at home on my computer and take selfies with my cat” guy. This guy can be one of two things: a real introvert just trying to find fellow introverts to date who share the same interests or he could be a creep.

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13.) The “I’m going to pose with this random child so I can look like the kind of guy who likes children” guy. Clever man trying to appeal to women’s maternal instincts… we’re on to you. Either he has kids (be careful) or he found kids to pose with (run).

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