Ah, the fraternity basement: the place where every college kid's true colors are, inevitably, revealed. Drinks will be spilled. Hearts will be broken. Uber drivers will be left unpaid. To make the most of this mediocre brand of party, here are some of the characters to avoid becoming at all costs.
1) The "Where's my hug?" guy
Sexuality aside, this guy is the last person anyone wants to run into at 2 a.m. in the basement of Sigma Cosine Tangent. Go back to your watered-down jungle juice and leave everyone alone; he/she/they are just not that into you.
2) The bathroom coke dealer
Seriously? Could you think of no better way to make money? Put down the drugs and launch a mildly successful start-up like everyone else.
3) The sulking artist type who swears they didn't come here willingly
I don't care if you can name every painting in the Louvre — you wound up in this basement on a Saturday night just like the rest of us. You are above no one. Sing along when "Mr. Brightside" comes on, and do what you can to enjoy the company of the keg-pounding common folk.
4) The wingman
If I had a dollar for every "My homie over there thinks you're cute," I'd be able to buy a pair of Chubbies for every fraternity brother in need. Don't ever let your friend convince you to play this role, no matter how desperate he is. It makes you both look stupider — and more like elementary schoolers — than you actually are.
5) The person who thinks any time is the perfect time for a mosh pit
This is a farce. There is, in fact, a bad time for a mosh pit, and it is virtually any time in which there are more than 40 people in a low-ceilinged, fully enclosed space. A frat party is the definition of a no-go, no matter how many times Kyle from DTD plays "Sandstorm." Just buy yourself a ticket to next year's Warped Tour.
6) The roof-climber
You are not Bear Grylls. Go to bed.
7) The girl who brings six people with her to the bathroom
I understand bringing along two close friends, maybe three, for the sake of safety and moral support ("Everybody poops, Natalie!"), but everyone knows that frat bathrooms are just refurbished coffins that had the potential to contain a functioning plumbing system. Your whole crew won't fit, no matter how many juice cleanses you've all endured. Good luck getting that mirror pic.
8) The Instagram model
Getting done-up for the night can be a party in and of itself, but a frat-goer must be properly equipped to handle even the worst of wardrobe malfunctions. Wake up and smell the Bud Light, @big10fashionista: Something is going to get spilled on you. Leave the Céline bag at home.
9) The girl who leaves her drunk friend for a below-average hookup
Have you never seen The Cheetah Girls? Friends don't leave friends for people they hardly know, especially when everyone is intoxicated. If you really need to answer the booty call, make the proper arrangements with your amigas ahead of time so you can enjoy your Tinder rendezvous guilt-free.
10) The lanyard-wearing martyr
You should have just written "freshman" on your forehead. No one would have recognized your innocence if you'd left the accessories at home, but here you are. Please, do yourself a favor and opt for a phone case cardholder next time. Just don't fill it with coke from the idiot in the bathroom.
Tess Garcia is an editorial intern at Metro Times.
