Long before Justin Trudeau became Canada’s prime minister, his father held the same job. And Pierre Elliott Trudeau famously described the United States in 1969 in a speech to the National Press Club in Washington, D.C.
“Living next to you is, in some ways, like sleeping with an elephant,” the elder Trudeau said that day. “No matter how friendly or even-tempered is the beast — if I can call it that — one is affected by every twitch and grunt.”
To mix animal metaphors, his son is now the lame duck leader of his nation, exiting just in time. Because with Donald Trump again capturing the White House, that orange-faced, yellow-haired GOP elephant will soon bounce on the mattress, roll over without warning, and defecate on the sheets.
Who else but Trump would treat a good neighbor in this way, Trump’s way, his bully-boy way, by threatening, at best, an economic war or, at worst, an Anschluss. Approaching his second inauguration, Trump ridiculed Trudeau as governor of the 51st member of the United States.
Trump’s apologists insist it’s just his sense of humor. Heh-heh-heh. But when Trump jokes, there’s always a taunted victim. He also threatened economic tariffs because, well, that’s what Trump does. But if Trump really wants to hurt Canada, he can crack down at the border to hit them where it hurts.
He can ban National Hockey League teams from crossing the border at Detroit or anywhere else. If Canadian teams hope to stay in the NHL, under Trump’s rule, they must move to Mexico. Imagine: the Tijuana Maple Leafs, the Mexico City Canucks, and the Monterrey Canadiens.
Oh, you want serious? Try this for serious. Right across our Detroit River, at the Francois Baby House museum on the west side of Windsor, Ontario, Canada, there is this website note about the War of 1812 between the Americans and the British, who then held what would become Canada.
“Did you know the initial invasion of Canada by the Americans happened right here?” the site says. “American General Hull occupied the Francois Baby House (under General Isaac Brock) and Aboriginal allies (under Tecumseh) then captured Detroit.”
Tecumseh was an Indian chief in the region, allied with England. On a visit to the museum, you might see details on the walls, like “Major General Isaac Brock and Tecumseh set up gun batteries here and bombarded Detroit.”
The nerve of those Red Coats. One wall of the Baby House shows their battle flag, blood-red with their bloody Union Jack in the upper left corner. And if you dare to call the museum by telephone, you’ll discover the digits end in “...1812.” How’s that for rubbing it in?
Historians contend that the war ended in a draw, sort of like a hockey game going into overtime. The Treaty of Ghent settled the question of who controlled what around the Great Lakes and what the borders would be.
Since then, until now, these two North American nations have lived harmoniously.
But if Trump wishes to escalate the new feud beyond petty insults and tariff threats, by gosh, the U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! is ready to fight-fight-fight!, especially on the battlefields along the Detroit River. You know that Joe Louis “Fist” monument on our downtown shore that weighs 8,000 pounds?
We can launch that sucker by catapult to Windsor, smash buildings, and then pull it back by a big rubber band for another assault. If we’re provoked, we will rebuild the Bob-Lo boat and use it as a troop transport and mount a naval campaign protecting Belle Isle, Grosse Isle, and Zug Island.
We shall defend our islands, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the Detroit River and Great Lakes. We shall fight on the beach at Dieppe Gardens. We shall fight on the landing grounds of Casino Windsor. We shall fight in the fields and in the streets, like Ouellette.
We shall fight in the hills but, because they have none, we will instead win the battle of the Gordie Howe International Bridge, whenever it finally opens, and the Ambassador Bridge, too, for that matter. We shall blockade the Tunnel. We shall never surrender. America first!
So, Canadians, please do the right thing, the polite and neighborly — or, should we say, “neighbourly?” — thing. Just change your flag from a red maple leaf to pure white and then to a star-spangled banner. Surrender to Trump and merge peacefully with us.
Instead of Canada becoming just one state out of 51, as Trump has threatened, we’ll take in at least nine of your 10 provinces and all three of your territories and make them all states. As for Quebec, they’re on their own unless they learn to speak American.
