Working out the kinks

Q: I recently married a beautiful woman. We were each the first sexual partners for the other. Maybe this was reinforced by my experiencing sex very late, but I have some kinky fantasies. I fantasize about a dominant woman who teases, controls and punishes me. I've enjoyed the sex we have had, but I still sometimes crave something else. I've recently been able to turn her on to some minor domination play, but she doesn't want to go too far. Before we met, I was very frustrated. I started viewing Internet porn sites. It became an addiction. Now I've quit this, for the most part, but sometimes I fall off the wagon, like when I have a lot of tension in life. Also, of course, I play with myself after viewing the porn. She doesn't want me to play with myself; she wants me to save myself for her and she really doesn't like me looking at porn. I think she's actually right. It became addictive, taking too much of my time, and then sometimes making it harder for me to be aroused without it. But since I'm still new at sex, I can't always enjoy myself as well. I'm trying to perform well and wait for her before coming and this isn't always the best moment for me. I know I have the teasing fantasy, but it isn't the same as when I'm having sex. Being tied and teased is nicer. She did tie and tease me once, but she hasn't yet repeated this and she seemed hesitant. Also, she doesn't want to hurt me, but I would like her to hurt me, a little. What should I, or we, do? I don't want her to know that I looked at some of this porn again, and then played with myself. It's just that it's sometimes a release for me, and sometimes the orgasms are better. Please help.

A: First, skip the porn for a while. It's only complicating things. Also, if you can occasionally be "selfish" you are more likely to occasionally be generous. From time to time, have sex just for yourself. You might say ahead of time "This one's for me" or you can just come when you're ready and then continue to satisfy her with hand, mouth or anything else. And your fantasies of being dominated are quite common and have nothing to do with when you became sexually active. Be honest with your wife about how much being submissive turns you on and exactly what you would like her to do to you. Several excellent books for beginners on this kind of sex play are published by Greenery Press (www.greenerypress.com). Once you have a working arrangement with your wife so that both of you are getting satisfied most of the time, then you might investigate what place, if any, you want pornography and masturbation to have in your private life.

Q: I have a friend who I have been seeing for six or seven years. She has a nice-sized vagina. However the other day I noticed that it had gotten almost twice its usual size. I asked her about this and she said she was ovulating. But she did not just start ovulating the other day, meaning I have never seen it that large. My take on it was that she had been having sex with someone else larger and more forceful and maybe orally to cause such a swell. Does ovulating cause such a swell or is there another explanation for it?

A: Ovulating does cause changes within the vagina, but mainly in the texture of its secretions, not any significant looseness or puffiness of the labia or vaginal opening or anything else visible. What does cause such a change is high arousal, at that moment or recently enough that the engorgement has not had time to subside. She could have just been masturbating just as easily as having sex with someone else. If there was a someone, it would have been so recent that you might have heard the door slam. If it were more than a matter of minutes ago, what they did or how large a something was used, would not be material. Isadora Alman, author of Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex, is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her at askisadora@aol.com. Her Sexuality Forum is at