Too close for comfort

Q: I am married with a 2-year-old child. My husband is passionate and caring. I expected our sex life to diminish after having a child, but it hasn't. We have sex several times a week and it is really satisfying. My best friend had a child about the same time we did. We get together several times a week to do things together while our children play. One time last fall while it was still warm we lay out in the sun while our children napped. We rubbed lotion on each other's back. No big deal, or so I thought. That night I had a dream reliving the moment of rubbing the lotion, only this time I removed her bathing suit and we became very intimate. I have had other erotic dreams about her, but I have pretty much suppressed them — until yesterday. She admitted then that her sex life has been totally unsatisfying and that she had been envious of my sex life. I revealed the dreams I had about her and she admitted there were times she lusted for me. We cried, we hugged, we ended up naked in the heat of passion. I can understand where she is coming from. If her love life is lacking she would seek another outlet for intimacy. Maybe her sex life is unsatisfying because she is a lesbian, although she claims she's attracted to men, not women. But why do I desire intimacy with her and why did I enjoy the closeness we shared? What can I do to prevent destroying a great friendship and marriage over feelings that I can't seem to control?

A: If only sexuality were as logical and simple as you paint it. Some people are naturally polyamorous, capable of loving more than one person at a time. Some are naturally bisexual, capable of being attracted to a man or a woman. Some people just naturally sexualize any warm and affectionate feelings or need to make an effort to not do that for various "good" reasons. I'd make a concerted effort to find out what you want here and what you do not want before taking any further action.

Q: The girl I am with now has lost her virginity some time ago. I told her I was disappointed because that guy she lost it to screwed her over. He started calling her names and did bad stuff after he got her in bed. I really love her, but I would expect if I was going to get into a really serious relationship that I wanted to be her first. Is this wrong? What should I do? Is there a difference from the first time you have sex than any other time?

A: Whether she loved or hated or was even bored by her first sexual experience, she will still have a new set of reactions to whatever the two of you do. A person is entitled to want what they want, whether they want a virgin, a compassionate partner or sexually active peers who are more adult than you and your predecessor sound. If you are not mature enough to be with the woman you say you love without judging her or giving her unwelcome advice or grief, I suggest you call it off. If a guy is bad-mouthing your girlfriend, how is that her fault? She does seem guilty — of bad partner choices (you included), but in no other way.

Q: Is it possible to remedy retractile testicles by engaging in any sort of stretching activities? I'm an 18-year-old male who has just identified the problem recently. Funny thing is, I have not had the problem before. On some occasions my testicle (only the left one seems to do this) retracts to the point of discomfort. Is there any thing I can do to solve this problem besides surgery? Is this condition hazardous to my health?

A: What's hazardous to your health is ignoring a recent and uncomfortable change to your body or asking a sex columnist or anyone other than a medical doctor what to do about it. Get your tush (and both testicles) to a doctor to find out what's going on. Isadora Alman, author of Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex, is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her at [email protected]. Her Sexuality Forum is at