The satirical article — remember everyone, the Onion is satire — highlighted a fictional address from Mayor Mike Duggan that asked the nation to please give Detroit something, anything, to do. We must admit, we thoroughly enjoyed the idea of Duggan "grabbing both sides of his lectern and lifting it several inches into the air while exclaiming that, if given the word, he could have 500 lecterns just like it made up by next Monday. [...] visibly flushed and perspiring, [he] then looked around at those in attendance, pointed to individual reporters one by one, and asked them if they needed any extra tape recorders or 'those lanyards you’re always wearing.'"
Here are some more of our favorite parts:
And definitely this one:
The story also included a list of all the items Duggan said we'd be down to make, which we'll just share with you now: sailboats, commercial printing presses, memory-foam mattresses, household appliances, lotion, file servers, industrial solvents, suction cups, backyard meat smokers, pharmaceuticals, hooks, machine tools, glue, artificial knees, bonded lubricants, aerial radar systems, cushioned insoles, shipping containers, sporting goods, pillow shams, dried pasta, packaging materials, shower curtains, shower curtain rings, shower curtain rods, hinges, laminate flooring, board games, pneumatic hoses, hydraulic winches, novelty ice trays, drywall, handbags, and cigarettes.
We tip our hat to you, Onion, thanks for the laugh.
