Peeping Thomasina

Q: I am a single female, age 33. I live in an apartment building built such that I can see into the windows of the apartments in an adjacent wing. My bedroom is directly across from my neighbor's bedroom; a very good-looking guy who is nicely shaped and nicely muscled, my age or younger. I want to meet him, but I don't want to give up a true pleasure. Almost every night at about 2 a.m., he masturbates with his lights on. He goes slowly and takes different positions; he lasts for about an hour. My lights are out and my shade is about halfway down. I wonder if he watches his reflection in his own window. I think he is single, but I saw him with a woman a few times when I first moved in. They were like sexual athletes — missionary, doggie-style, 69 and possibly anal intercourse. I masturbate while I watch him. His bed is very near his window so I see everything clearly. I want so much to turn my light on and show him how I pleasure myself. I fantasize that he would come over. I am also tempted to walk around my apartment earlier in the evening, in a revealing nightie or less. I want to go over and knock on his door during the "witching hour" and make up some reason I need him to help me with something. But I am worried that if he knows I am watching, he might get embarrassed and stop, ending my treat. I also am tempted to get to know him (I see him in the hallway sometimes and say hello), but do not want my nightly "peep show" to end. Is there any way to have my cake and eat it too? Am I abnormal if I just want to watch?

A: Fortunately, there exist both exhibitionists and voyeurs — and some who are both. I don't know how you can have the anonymity of watching a stranger and a relationship with the same "real person." Once you know the person you're watching — or he knows he is being watched — the dynamic will change. Fantasy does not do well in the harsh light of reality. If you want to up the ante here, try giving him something to look at and see if he's interested in watching too. Perhaps you might want to take the risk of timing it with his nightly show. A game of show-and-tell with an attractive stranger that's consensual and anticipated will give you a relationship of sorts.

Q: When I have intercourse with my girlfriend, her vagina makes weird farting sounds. I think maybe it's because my penis fits in perfectly and that's what's causing these "pussy farts." Is there another reason? Is it dangerous for us to continue having intercourse?

A: Some schoolboys, to the raucous delight of their classmates, know how to cause that same sound by doing something with their cupped hands and armpits. Those embarrassing little noises you're talking about are caused by trapped air. I know of no danger in continuing. If changing positions doesn't make a difference, momentary withdrawal in order to "burp the baby" will make things more comfortable.

Q: Do men and women feel closer after having sex? Is it different for women than it is for men?

A: I used to say that the only way a sentence that began with "Men always ..." or "Women never ..." could be completed was "… have a penis." Otherwise, one could accurately only make a generalization such as "most men tend to... ." Now, with so many gender-fluid people in transition, one might have to add that men and penis statement to the "tend to" category also, leaving absolutely no gender-dependent absolutes. While there may be a tendency for more men than women to be able to handle sex without intimacy, who feels closer after having sex is an individual-to-individual event. That is, Harry might tend to feel closer to Harriet after a loving cuddle but not at all to Hank after anonymous sex in the park. Isadora Alman, author of Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex, is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her at [email protected]. Her Sexuality Forum is at