Missing the signals

• I have been married 19 years, am 42, have a great job, a nice house, a healthy daughter and a successful, respected husband. Everything looks perfect but, like in many marriages, appearances can be deceiving. I am writing in response to the writer alarmed to find her husband visiting Internet porn sites. I can say from experience that I noticed red flags all along the way to my present circumstances. He always checked out other women while dating me, his bachelor bedroom had a closet full of skin magazines and his towels, full of dried cum, were always on his bed before romancing me. Now he visits all sorts of adult Web sites while at home and at work, he disappears to masturbate regularly enough that people think he has a medical problem and I have recently learned that he picks up men for sexual adventures. He now weights more than 300 lbs. and looks pretty miserable. I respected his privacy. I didn't press for answers to baffling questions, and now I have a partner who is boinking anything that is game. These are not the makings of a healthy partnership. I am finally moving on to get my groove back elsewhere. My advice to that lady is that if her man can't open up to her about what is going on with him emotionally and sexually, then she may be headed for the fall like the one I should have seen coming long ago. I know you don't like the sexual-addict label, but my guy is the poster boy.

• Your response to the woman who had a painful, cramping experience during intercourse really struck me. You are absolutely right to recommend that she visit her gynecologist. She should do this immediately. I had several similar experiences with my partner (now husband), which I merely attributed to my ovaries and uterus being sensitive during ovulation, my husband's larger-than-average penis or the direction and angle of our movements. Yes, sometimes tab "A" and slot "B" don't match, and I've had painful sex before with a mismatched partner (I have a small vagina for a woman nearly 6 feet tall). However, pain that results in severe cramping may be indicative of an ovarian cyst or pelvic inflammatory disease. Even something as simple as gardnerella (cq) (bacterial vaginosis) (cq) can make the vagina and vulva unusually sensitive. I found out much too late. During intercourse the cyst ruptured, and I had to endure weeks of abdominal pain during my recuperation. Please advise your reader to seek medical advice as soon as possible. A simple Pap smear and pelvic exam can’t detect a cyst. If you are experiencing pain and cramping during and after intercourse, request an ultrasound from your doctor.

• I would like to make the following suggestion: Women, please come up with a standard excuse for when that undesirable guy asks you out. As a single man with the social responsibility of doing the asking, I realize I am doomed to be alone for the rest of my life unless I do ask. What I can't figure out is why women can't simply say "No, thank you." I usually get a yes or a noncommittal excuse, but rarely an outright honest "no." After the yes, the woman either stands me up or spends the remainder of the time trying to avoid me. Can't you have some ready polite response such as "I'm a lesbian," "My old boyfriend called" or "Thanks for asking, but I'm waiting to have an out-of-wedlock child with a sleazy politician?" I am sorry you find me so creepy, but I do not understand why my asking is considered license to be rude or hurtful. Please start thinking for the next time I dare insult you with an invitation.

• I am interested about the guy who recently went to a baby shower for a female co-worker. His boss, a 53-year-old pregnant Asian woman, and a twentysomething black woman took turns sucking the man's penis. I would like to know if either of them are single because I am single and looking for somebody. I am 23 years old and 5-foot-7. You can call me at ...

• Glory be! I was so interested to hear about that man and that woman who both had sex with groups of their co-workers. I work at the dog pound and just last month, as I hosed down the holding pen in my Ralph Lauren jumpsuit, I noticed this cute little mixed bitch giving me the eye. Before I knew what was happening I was surrounded by a huge group of horny dogs humping my legs — females only. There is nothing queer about this story. I was so excited I wet my pants. Isadora Alman is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her via this paper or askisadora@aol.com. Her Sexuality Forum is at