All in a lather

Q: I am a 50-year-old, big hairy guy. I don't date much. People say I am gay, but I have no desire to be with a man or have sex. I do love to be shampooed over and over again. I can’t find any woman who will give me many shampoos. I spend time in my own bathroom washing my hair and looking in the mirror. After the second time I lather up, I get hard and come, but it is something I am hoping to find a woman to do. I have been to massage parlors but they will not shampoo me, even when I offer to pay extra. Can you direct me to a place to go where I can enjoy my fetish?

A: Without a close friend or sweetie to ask this of, you will have to pay for the service. Look at the ads, perhaps in this very paper, which offer "fantasy fulfillment." There are those who like to be encased in rubber, diapered, even reviled, and they get their needs met. Yours are even simpler. Phone some likely ads, say exactly what you want and ask how much it costs. I am sure you will find someone to oblige you if you make enough phone calls. I am not suggesting the obvious — a barber shop or hair salon — because you would be involving the shampooer in an act of nonconsensual sex, which is not fair. But I bet if you phoned enough one-person hair places you would still find someone willing — for a price.

Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for eight years. When I first met him our sex was simple, but there is now a new side to him. He's a freak! For the past year he's been trying new things with me like oral, using his fingers, anal sex, wanting to do it outside in weird places. I thought he was crazy but now I'm down for whatever. I want to have sex with him and another guy, but I don't think he could handle the sight of me with another guy. How can I tell him?

A: Sit down for a review of all the new and exciting things he's introduced into your sex life and how you feel about them. Ask him if there is anything else he would like to suggest but hasn't yet, then make your own suggestions. If he says no, let it be for a while and bring it up again. Remember, you thought he was crazy for his ideas, not a one of which qualifies him as a freak in anyone's book.

Q: I am an 18-year-old girl who has slept with fewer than 50 men, but it's close enough to scare me. I never thought I would have sex with anyone but my future husband. I lost my virginity through very strange circumstances that I won't go into except to say I never gave my permission. Soon after, my mother, a conservative vestal virgin who never has been with anyone but my dad, found out and condemned me as a slut. This all happened when I was 15. Soon after, I was raped. For the next three years it seriously affected my school, work and family life. I was in a relationship for a year with a manipulative liar. Then I discovered chat lines and my knowledge of men and sex increased rapidly. I have made several attempts at therapy. Although my life has improved significantly through college and a new part-time job, it is still a mess when it comes to relationships and long friendships with guys or girls. I have never succumbed to the temptation of drugs, alcohol or even cigarettes, but I am at a loss for how to fix my life. I am trying God, but I am the least-religious person I know. I have a best friend who accepts me, confused as I am, but even she can't seem to help. I have reached a crossroads and I have no idea where to go. Maybe you could give me a push in the right direction.

A: First of all, give yourself a great deal of credit for what you have accomplished — a good friend, no substance addictions, working on an education, holding down a job. These things aren’t easy, even for someone older and with less trauma and confusion in her life. Now it’s time to set goals. If you could find a therapy group with others working on creating a happy, productive life, all the better. There are all sorts of groups available, especially on a college campus. While support is always helpful and something I strongly recommend, life planning and goal setting are things you can do alone. Giving (actually "lending") your body will not get you love or approval, and won’t cancel out your unpleasant sexual memories. So, among other things, resolve to have sex for your pleasure only and for no other reason. Learn to satisfy yourself sexually and look to your accomplishments in other areas of life for self-esteem boosters. You can do this. Isadora Alman is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her via this paper or askisadora@sfbg.com. Her Sexuality Forum is at