Crystal balling

We have seen the future, and it is grim. Unless, of course, you are a billionaire. In that case the coming year is going to be particularly peachy.

We can say this with a high degree of certainty because the ersatz soothsayers here at News Hits have just emerged from a weeklong coma-like trance induced by a hallucinogenic substance extracted from the skin of a rare South American tree frog. We hopped aboard the astral plane in order to get an advance peek at what 2011 will bring to Michigan now that state government is firmly in the grip of conservatives.

Sure it was risky, but we had the well-known shaman John Sinclair there to serve as our guide. Besides, when it comes to serving the interests of our loyal readers no endeavor is too hazardous, especially if it means we can better help you prepare for what's going to be a particularly tumultuous year.

It turned out to be a hell of a trip.

But you'll be seeing it all for yourselves soon enough. Here' s just some of what is in store:

Shortly after being sworn in as governor, former venture capitalist Rick Snyder plugs a massive hole in the state budget by selling both houses of the Michigan Legislature to billionaire transportation mogul and Ambassador Bridge owner Manuel "Matty" Moroun.

In a joint press conference, Snyder and Moroun will assure a somewhat anxious public that they will still be allowed to elect their representatives and senators "in order to preserve participatory democracy," but that, as employees of the newly created Ambassador Legislative Enterprises Inc., the solons will take their marching orders directly from company officials. "This brings the efficiency of the private sector to government," they'll chirp in unison. "In a way, things aren't going to change that much," Snyder will note. "People probably won't even notice any real difference."

"Last year, in my successful attempt to keep the state from accepting Canada's generous offer of $550 million so that a new publicly owned bridge could be built in Detroit, I rented the Legislature for most of the year," the feisty octogenarian will explain. "That proved to be so successful I decided to just go ahead and buy the whole damn thing. I think that, in the long run, it's going to prove to be a good investment."

Those words will quickly prove to be prophetic when the privately owned Legislature, shortly after being seated, unanimously votes to lease the long-vacant Michigan Central Train Depot owned by Moroun to help him evade the expense of actually demolishing the place. The Legislature also unanimously votes to refurbish the towering structure at taxpayer expense and then relocate the state Capitol there.

"Matty wanted the Capitol in Detroit because that makes it more convenient for him to drop in whenever he wants to make sure we are actually working and not watching porn on our laptops like we used to do back in the day when we were still public servants," says one solon, speaking on condition of anonymity because he had not been authorized by company headquarters to answer press queries.

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