Justin for president!
Like some emotional STD, the Wonder Twins get Bieber fever. Well, sort of.
Published: March 23, 2011
The Wonder Twins bravely risk contracting Bieber-fever by going to see Justin Bieber: Never Say Never — a 3-D, full immersion, in-your-face, inside look at the rise of Justin from Internet phenomenon to a teen superstar who drives little girls quite literally insane.
Laura: I think it's best for me to admit to the world that, before going to this movie, I'd never even heard a Justin Bieber song.
D'Anne: And now, here you sit, wearing a Never Say Never T-shirt and still wearing your 3-D glasses.
Laura: The world looks different now that I've seen Justin Bieber through these lenses. I hate the way the world looks without them.
D'Anne: Well, you look stupid.
Laura: I don't care.
D'Anne: I've never seen a movie with so much crying in it. And I've seen Hotel Rwanda.
Laura: Yes. Justin Bieber fans are pretty intense. And emotional. And, frankly, terrifying.
D'Anne: Yes. We actually saw the "Director's Fan Cut" version of the film which had several clips of fan-made videos and footage of young girls declaring their love of Justin Bieber for all the world to see.
Laura: All I can say is thank god the Internet didn't exist when we liked New Kids on the Block.
D'Anne: I shudder at the painfully awkward, totally earnest dedications we would have made for NKOTB. Complete with choreographed dances.
Laura: Only to have those videos haunt us for the rest of our lives. Like these girls will no doubt experience.
D'Anne: Awkward is always best in 3-D.
Laura: This was clearly a movie that had to be in 3-D to be properly experienced. It was not at all a way to jump on the 3-D movie bandwagon.
D'Anne: For real. There were times I thought Justin Bieber was actually reaching out of the screen toward me. Like he was trying to cop a feel.
Laura: In your Bieber-fever dreams.
D'Anne: How do you cure Bieber-fever anyway? Will a couple Tylenol, plenty of fluids and a good night's sleep do the trick?
Laura: No. I think you just have to sweat it out. Or wait until it goes through puberty and people lose interest.
D'Anne: Did you get the feeling from this movie that Justin Bieber is kind of a brat? I mean, he's 16 years old and wants for nothing. And there don't seem to be a lot of people in his life who tell him "no."
Laura: Right. That's a dangerous combination. But I refuse to comment further for fear his fans will attack me on Twitter. Or sabotage my Wikipedia page like they did to Esperanza Spalding.
D'Anne: Um, you don't have a Wikipedia page. So I think you're safe. Still, to save you from becoming the next Sydney Dalton, maybe it would help if we said that Justin was a really cute baby.
Laura: He was. Based on the amount of footage used in this movie, his mom clearly videotaped every second of his childhood. Maybe that's the key to making your child famous.
D'Anne: I don't know. Making videos is exactly what got Syndy Dalton in trouble in the first place.
Laura: One minute you're making a harmless YouTube video of yourself and your friends tearing Justin Bieber posters off your wall, the next minute thousands of crazed Bieber fans are railing against you on Twitter
D'Anne: And making videos in which they threaten to "hit you in the fucking face with a full wine bottle" should they ever meet you in person.
Laura: Which, really, seems like the type of threat a thrice-divorced, leathery skinned Tom Jones fan might drunkenly utter at Soaring Eagle Casino, not something a tween says. Apparently Justin Bieber fans grow up fast ...
Laura: Considering how much passion Justin Bieber inspires in his fans, maybe he could steer all that energy into something useful — like getting his generation to fight for universal health care.
D'Anne: He did, after all, say in Rolling Stone magazine, "I'll never be an American citizen; you guys are evil," referring to our health care system.
Laura: Even Bieber understands its crazy to bankrupt people just because they get sick. And this is a kid who has his own line of Wal-Mart-exclusive nail polish and uses the word "swag" as an adjective, verb and noun.
D'Anne: Justin Bieber for president!
Laura: He's Canadian, you idiot. He can't run for president.
D'Anne: Justin Bieber for prime minister, then.
Laura: Well, he definitely has the 12- to 17-year-old female voting bloc all wrapped up.
D'Anne: We should also mention that Justin has total street cred since he used to play Hootie and the Blowfish covers on acoustic guitar in front of the Avon Theater in downtown Stratford. He's been busking since he was, like, 5.
Laura: I once saw guys busking on the streets of Canada. They weren't singing or dancing, though. They were holding a sign that read, "I will let you punch my friend in the nuts for a dollar."
D'Anne: How much money did you give them?
Laura: That's between me and Canadian law enforcement officials.
D'Anne: I found most of his music to be completely insipid and forgettable — I think "Baby" is a good catchy pop song. But for instance, "I Smile?" I hate it so much.
Laura: The way he sings "I smile, you smile" over and over is reminiscent of a scene from The Miracle Worker. It's like Annie Sullivan trying to teach Helen Keller about emotions.
D'Anne: Helen Keller? I thought Patty Duke starred in The Miracle Worker.
Laura: Wow. Sometimes your ignorance is painful.
D'Anne: So overall, how did you feel about the movie?
Laura: I found Never Say Never to be very inspirational. It taught me that if I was a young, cute, Canadian boy with a little talent and some YouTube savvy, I could one day be famous.
D'Anne: Well, considering how much Justin Bieber looks like a lesbian (check out the blog "Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber" if you have any doubt), it's possible that your big break is just around the corner.
Laura: Never say never!
> Email D'Anne and Laura Witkowski