April 24, 2014

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Culture

Photo: Robert Nixon, License: N/A

2013 Metro Times Lust Poll

 

What’s the most public place you’ve ever done it?

 

Our readers evidently get out a lot. As in, making it in some pretty public places. Among the most common answers were sex in cars and parking structures, on beaches and playgrounds, and — surprisingly — in graveyards. Morbid much? Not really. As “JB” (22, straight, 6 partners) explained, “I used to live by Elmwood Cemetery, which is a great looking place, really. There. On a bench. In early October. Magic is fucking real!”

 

By a vending machine in a school.—Clooney, 27, straight, 8 partners

 

In the office at work—No name, 40, straight, 30 partners

 

It was a movie theater blow job. There were theater patrons two seats over.—Joe Malone, 30, straight, 21 partners

 

A relatively secluded but populated rest area off I-75. We walked the path into the woods, but could still see the bathrooms; it was midday, and anyone could have walked that path and seen us.—Squirtz, 54, straight, 15 partners

 

Back of a Jimmy John’s restaurant.—shynkinky, 23, bi, 16 partners

 

Under an apple tree next to a main thoroughfare.—Texas, 42, straight, 6 partners

 

The Temple of Dendur, Metropolitan Museum of Art.—Chaz Leonard, 48, straight, 20ish partners

 

On a park bench by the lake.—Monsieur Verdoux, 27, straight, 7 partners

 

Back room at an art gallery during an opening.—Disko C., 25, straight, 6 partners

 

In an office with plate glass windows where we could be clearly seen from a somewhat busy area.—Jet Black, 48, straight, 15 partners

 

Up against the window outside of a banquet hall.—Day, 31, straight, 3 partners

 

Police Department.—Tinker, 45, straight, 40 partners

 

At Cirque du Soleil.—Sexdome Master Class, 69, straight, 420,666 partners

 

On a boardroom table. Windows facing the road. Lights on. Rush hour traffic had a full view. Amazing.—Elvis, 45, straight, 12 partners

 

Taxi cab in New York City, and Korn at DTE in the mud and pouring rain.—Synful, 44, straight, lost count of partners

 

In the bed with my boyfriend’s mom sleeping soundly right next to us.—hottpepper, 42, straight, enough partners to know how to fuck well

 

The women’s bathroom at a banquet hall during a New Year’s Eve open party.—Alnightlonngg, straight, 27 partners

 

Ha! In the women’s bathroom at a bowling alley.—Cobweb Kitty, 40, Straight, 30 partners

 

Front porch on a plastic chair. It broke.—Darrow, 28, straight, 5 partners

 

In a hallway, backstage with my old flame, while my current boyfriend was performing on stage.—Norma Jean Baker, 59, straight, 88 partners

 

Back storage room of a convenience store and at a restroom pull off in Tennessee.—kimmie beth, 54, straight, 1 partner

 

In the hallway of an apartment building.—Al Kaholic, 42, straight, 17 partners

 

In the front seat of a car parked in the parking lot of Lake Shore High School.—Hussy trash, 24, straight, 30 partners

 

Boyne Mountain—long schlong silver 201, 62, straight, 20 partners

 

Hiking trail at Stoney Creek.—Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law, 28, straight, 33 partners

 

Wayne State University’s Old Main building—waxwing, 28, straight, 11 partners

 

The Whitney in Detroit.—Boobs McGee, 43, bi, 40 partners

 

Balcony of the Royal Oak Music Theatre.—Smart-E-Smarty, 55, straight, >50<100 partners

 

In a car in the alley behind Jacoby’s.—Merc Montclair, 32, straight, 60+ partners

 

On the fire escape of the Book Tower.—Strasse, 44, straight, 14 partners

 

On the side of the road, against a car, on a street in Hamtramck at 4 a.m. (That’s the most recent that I can remember. …)—Sylvester Stallone’s Fucking Veins, 34, straight, 40 partners

 

In a small set of woods between a playground and a neighborhood.—Princess Leia, 22, straight, 5 partners

 

At a fire station, in a fire truck.—Wendi, 25, straight, 7 partners

 

New York City subway.—Sillymans Woman, 58, straight, 1,000+ partners

 

In the middle of an industrial area street … it was at night, though, and no one was working at the time.—kurth69, 48, bi, lots of partners

 

A farmer’s field.—Hmmmm, 50, straight, unsure partners

 

In the park at night bent over a picnic table. A skunk walked by. Luckily it kept to itself.—Dolly Fartin’, 28, straight, 62 partners

 

I lived in New York a for long time, and used to bring dates down this corkscrew block and have sex in the outside foyer of the Cherry Lane Theatre. Winter, snow, summer — it always worked. —NYC to DTW Chick, 31, straight, 250+ partners

 

On a pool table at a bar (after-hours, of course).—simplyruthless, 24, straight, 13 partners

 

Alley in San Francisco.—biggymjim69, 62, gay, 500 partners

 

Front lawn.—Lookimsuperman, 25, straight, 107 partners

 

Roof of a four-story building in Queens, N.Y.—kodos1, 46, straight, 65 partners

 

While driving on I-94.—The Mad Hatter, 37, straight, 41,567 partners

 

A covered merry-go-round at Put-in-Bay. (Yes, there were people outside … lol.)—L, 37, straight, unknown number of partners

 

On stage at an outdoor festival.—Savio Vega, straight, between 3 and 30 partners

 

In a church, a monastery, alleys, a movie theater.—Charlotte Baltimore, 28, bi, 18 partners

 

Twice in the car behind the movie theater in Farmington. Once was with my wife even.—RichRod, 39, straight, 20 partners, not counting blow jobs

 

Playground jungle gym. Yes, there were children playing on the swingset less than 100 yards away.—CAC, 25, straight, 30+ partners

 

Back row of a Greyhound bus from Reno to L.A.—the bear from jellystone, 46, straight, number of partners in the triple digits

 

My bedroom. I’m homeless.—Jesse, 22, straight, 1 if you count myself partners

 

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What’s your most embarrassing sexual experience?

 

When it comes to sex, even Dan Savage told us once, “Everybody feels a little bit ridiculous in pursuit of sex, feels a little ridiculous in the moment, and feels a little ridiculous right after. … Sex kind of brings us all low, makes fools of us all and we need to laugh about it.” Well, our readers shared the moments when sex brought them low. Among the most common experiences for the men were “performance issues,” including “erectile dysfunction,” “premature ejaculation” and the like. Among the ladies, the “surprise period” turned more than a few faces red. And, for both genders, having the light come on and finding Mom standing there deflated more than a couple egos. But between all the passion farts and gag reflex hurlfests, a few of the stories acknowledged that, with the passage of time, these little tragedies become what they are for the rest of us: funny as hell.

 

Getting caught having sex by a vending machine in a school!—Clooney, 27, straight, 8 partners

 

I was so drunk and tired that I was unable to “get it up” to have sex with probably the hottest beautiful woman I’ve ever been able to have sex with. I had another chance later, and the sex was amazing.—JOTS, 32, straight, 14 partners

 

Too drunk to remember. One of the girls in the story told me later. It was a threesome, two girls and me, a dream come true after we worked on it for a couple of months to get the other girl to particpate. I passed out as they both took their tops off.—fun times, 35, straight, 110 partners

 

Having a girl on top, grinding me, naked, before we had sex. I came in my boxers. I was 28. It was our first (and last) sexual experience.—Joe Malone, 30, straight, 21 partners

 

Getting walked in on by someone else’s kids.—Chaz Leonard, 48, straight, 20ish partners

 

The children came home early and circled the entire house, knocking on all the windows and doors until we stopped intercourse and let them in — we were blushing and shame-faced. —Squirtz, 54, straight, 15 partners

 

The next morning, his wife showed up with their baby on her hip saying that he left his watch on my bathroom counter. The really bad thing was she told this to my mother, who answered the door.—Synful, 44, straight, lost count of partners

 

Me and my sister-in-law doing it. My wife came home and I ran out the back naked to get dressed.—Tjazz9, 50, straight, 23 partners

 

It wasn’t so much during the experience, but after. My then-boyfriend’s mother made a comment to me about how my boyfriend’s neighbors had requested that I not be so loud during sex while their niece and nephew were in town that weekend.—Jane Moxley, 25, bi, 11 partners

 

Being walked in on by my brother while doing my girlfriend on the family room floor.—Texas, 42, straight, 6 partners

 

Licking a girl’s ass and having her freak out.—Buttfun, 36, straight, 12 partners

 

When he accidentally put it in the wrong hole; the very first time that ever happened. C’mon, guys. Ugh.—waxwing, 28, straight, 11 partners

 

Losing the condom.—JoJo16, 36, straight, 15 partners

 

My jaw got stuck open.—Tinker, 45, straight, 40 partners

 

Lost my virginity with another virgin. “Um, are we done?” was actually said.—das bitch, 34, bi, 12 partners

 

Thinking I looked hot with smeared makeup, then looking in the mirror to find I looked like Ronald McDonald.—A.Non, 50, straight, 12 partners

 

Trying to get dressed at the conclusion of some “activities,” I gathered the clothes that had been tossed about the room. Handed my lady friend what I thought were her shirt and bra. The shirt was hers, the bra, unfortunately, was not hers. Whoops.—Harvey birdman, Attorney at Law, 28, straight, 33 partners

 

I had a problem getting hard in front of two very capable and hardworking hookers.—Alnightlonngg, straight, 27 partners

 

When a girl ran to the bathroom to spit me out in the sink.—Martin Rodger, 45, straight, 13 partners

 

He left the room halfway through to puke.—andrea!, 24, straight, 6 partners

 

I was totally enjoying my partner pleasuring me with the bullet. He got slightly off course. I called myself “helping” by directing his hand. I got so engulfed in pleasure, eyes closed. I opened my eyes and saw he was getting dressed! I didn’t even notice!—Cobweb Kitty, 40, straight, 30 partners

 

Dating this girl and banging her for about three weeks before realizing she was my ex’s sister.—Al Kaholic, 42, straight, 17 partners

 

Having my parents accidentally see a homemade video of my husband and me!—Boobs McGee, 43, bi, 40 partners

 

Caught masturbating — back when I actually cared. —metro times, 64, straight, 40± partners

 

I was having sex with my boyfriend on my period and all the sudden he looked down and screamed because he had blood on his hands. Literally, screamed.—Princess Leia, 22, straight, 5 partners

 

Not cleaning up as well before sex as I thought I had and being asked to have a quick wash.—SillymansWoman, 58, straight, 1,000+ partners

 

The time I passionately farted. (Oops!)—Shining South Star81, 31, straight, Ummmm partners

 

Not able to get an erection, I finally caved and took Viagra and then ejaculated prematurely.—Captain Krunk, 28, bi, 50 partners

 

I peed instead of coming, and she was confused.—Jesse, 22, straight, 1 if you count myself partners

 

One time I just could not make myself come while having sex with my girlfriend. I fucked her in the ass and pretended to come, but, of course, nothing dribbled out later and she knew.—kurth69, 48, bi, lots of partners

 

Trying not to explain to my folks why my car was filled with bits of hay from the farmer’s field—Hmmmm, 50, straight, unsure about number of partners

 

I gave a very long, drunken blow job with gum in my mouth and it wound up getting tangled in his pubic hair and stuck to his skin! He seriously couldn’t get it off, even with peanut butter! (Usually a helpful trick for gum stuck in hair! Take note!)—NYC to DTW Chick, 31, straight, 250+ partners

 

Blowing a load eight seconds in to the most anticipated sexual experience of my life (at that time).—Merc Montclair, 32, straight, 60+ partners

 

I started my period while a guy was going down on me. It was dark and all over his face and everywhere by time we realized it. What? We were drunk.—Hussy trash, 24, straight, 30 partners

 

More embarrassing for her. While fingering a girl, I couldn’t stop laughing because it sounded like someone was stirring a bowl of mac and cheese. I haven’t been able to look at that dish the same since then. —The Mad Hatter, 37, straight, 41,567 partners

 

The time I thought it was a chick—Savio Vega, straight, between 3 and 30 partners

 

Things got hot and heavy, I dropped my pants and there, in plain view, were skid marks in my underpants. She pulled away from me, put her clothes on and left. We never spoke again.—RichRod, 39, straight, 20 partners, not counting blow jobs

 

When I was a teenager, I was really concerned with giving good head. So when I finally had the chance to go down on my boyfriend, I got overzealous and tried to deep throat. I vomited all over his penis, him, and my bed. He took it in stride. —CAC, 25, straight, 30+ partners

 

Getting caught by the police while about to get busy in the car at Balboa Park in San Diego! It was OK. The police officer laughed and let us go with a warning and a wink!—T-Roy in Troy, MI, 49, straight, about 15 partners

 

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What’s something you’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t been able to?

 

When it comes to our readers’ frustrated sexual hopes and dreams, sure, there are aspirations to bondage, videos and exhibitionism, but the absolute top item on the collective bucket list would seem to be adding another person in the mix. Or more. We must have received answers describing every kind of threesome, foursome or “more-some” known to mankind. And from there it only got more interesting, including sex furniture (such as a “sex wedge”), suspension and — superheroes?

 

Having sex in same room while others are having sex. I want to watch and be watched.—Squirtz, 54, straight, 15 partners

 

I really want a double blow job that ends in come-swapping.—JB, 22, straight, about 6 partners

 

Have sex with twins (at the same time).—Joe Malone, 30, straight, 21 partners

 

A bondage devil’s threesome. Hands tied behind my back, bent over, taking it from the front and back.—shynkinky, 23, bi, 16 partners

 

Make sweet love to another lady! Be part of a threesome (or more-some).—Jane Moxley, 25, bi, 11 partners

 

Double penetration.—Disko C., 25, straight, 6 partners

 

Anal with a blonde or a duo.—metro times, 64, straight, 40± partners

 

Watch two girls go at it then join in.—Elvis, 45, straight, 12 partners

 

Threesome with two girls.—Jet Black, 48, straight, 15 partners

 

Threesome with two men.—slickgirl, straight, 100+ partners

 

Threesome with two transexuals. —das bitch, 34, bi, 12 partners

 

Participate in an Eiffel Tower three-way with two men.—CAC, 25, straight, 30+ partners

 

It’s pretty cliché at this point, but a threesome still sounds exciting.—Harvey birdman, Attorney at Law, 28, straight, 33 partners

 

An all-girl orgy!—Boobs McGee, 43, bi, 40 partners

 

A four-way with myself and three females.—Alnightlonngg, straight, 27 partners

 

Fuck three guys at once. Two are fucking me and the other one holding my hair, jerking off. Outside.—Sylvester Stallone’s Fucking Veins, 34, straight, 40 partners

 

A sevensome.—Savio Vega, straight, between 3 and 30 partners

 

Go to a sex club and participate in an orgy!—T-Roy in Troy, MI, 49, straight, about 15 partners

 

Use those sex-wedges.—JOTS, 32, straight, 14 partners

 

To suspend a girl from the ceiling and spend hours working her over in whatever way came to mind at the time.—Texas, 42, straight, 6 partners

 

I’d love getting tied up by Wonder Woman’s lasso of truth. But if that really happened, and it really was the lasso of truth, I would’ve blown my chances.—Monsieur Verdoux, 27, straight, 7 partners

 

To give it a go on our patio deck.—JoJo16, 36, straight, 15 partners

 

Fuck the bride at her wedding.—Tjazz9, 50, straight, 23 partners

 

Stick it in her butt and pee.—Sexdome Master Class, 69, straight, 420,666 partners

 

Have sex outdoors.—Alex, 56, straight, 1 partners

 

Sleep with a Red Wing player.—andrea!, 24, straight, 6 partners

 

Perform oral until he climaxes. I never stay down there til he’s done.—Cobweb Kitty, 40, straight, 30 partners

 

I want to be able to deepthroat.—Wendi, 25, straight, 7 partners

 

Fuck standing up in a strange place.—NeedItSoon, 50, straight, 12 partners

 

Bukkake.—kurth69, 48, bi, lots partners

 

Sex in a library.—dupushky, 29, bi, 15 partners

 

Sex on a plane. Planning on checking this one off on our long Honeymoon flight to Tanzania later this year!—NYC to DTW Chick, 31, straight, 250+ partners

 

Mile High Club. I always chicken out when I’m actually on the plane.—simplyruthless, 24, straight, 13 partners

 

Role play—exit69bigbeaver, 29, straight, “I’ll never tell how many” partners

 

Suck myself off.—biggymjim69, 62, gay, 500 partners

 

Suck a dick in a movie theater.—Hussy trash, 24, straight, 30 partners

 

Sex on a bus.—riot1967, 46, straight, 9 partners

 

Fuck a woman with a strap-on.—Charlotte Baltimore, 28, bi, 18 partners

 

Have sex with Dave Grohl.—SexHappens, 29, straight, 30+ partners

 

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Conversely, what’s something you’ve done in bed that you would never do again?

 

Naturally, it turns out that some of the things you’d never try again would be some of the things you always wanted to try. That’s normal. Even a lover’s reach should exceed his grasp, right? If you’ll try anything once, you might not always try it again. But kudos for those who took a gamble, and congratulations to the vocal minority who still wants things every which way but loose.

 

Bondage.—Rocker69, 54, bi, 20-30 partners

 

Being tied up.—Texas, 42, straight, 6 partners

 

Piledriver.—dupushky, 29, bi, 15 partners

 

I let a girl smack me across the face thinking that her being rough with me would be exciting, but in reality I hated it.—bill Gluckman, 23, straight, 12 partners

 

Get tied up and have my drawers cut off by knife point.—JoJo16, 36, straight, 15 partners

 

Gang bang.—kodos1, 46, straight, 65 partners

 

Consensual rape senerio. It was emotionally exhausting and the “rapist” stabbed my living room door with a knife. Had to call the safe word for a break before things even got started. Pretend threats are fine, but don’t damage my home.—CAC, 25, straight, 30+ partners

 

Let a boyfriend tie me down then ask me what to do! LMFAO!—L, 37, straight, ? partners

 

Nipple torture. (There are limits.) Also, whipped cream.—Day, 31, straight, 3 partners

 

Anything food related. Food and sex do not go together.—das bitch, 34, bi, 12 partners

 

Champagne in bed — too messy.—Elvis, 45, straight, 12 partners

 

Hot caramel. It is so sticky and gets all over the place.—Synful, 44, straight, lost count partners

 

Using too much chocolate syrup.—Alex, 56, straight, 1 partner

 

Anything involving food. I mean anything.—Harvey birdman, Attorney at Law, 28, straight, 33 partners

 

Anal — hate it.—Squirtz, 54, straight, 15 partners

 

Let her put a giant butt plug in my ass.—Joe Malone, 30, straight, 21 partners

 

Getting my ass banged by a girl.—Buttfun, 36, straight, 12 partners

 

I hope this never happens again: Getting fucked in the ass without warning.—Sylvester Stallone’s Fucking Veins, 34, straight, 40 partners

 

Anal with a man with a large penis.—exit69bigbeaver, 29, straight, “I’ll never tell how many” partners

 

Finger in the rectum—StrongBrother1, 48, straight, 158 partners

 

Tried sticking a large, thick 12-inch dildo up my ass.—Captain Krunk, 28, bi, 50 partners

 

Rimming—bumblebee blackstone, 41, straight, 11 partners

 

Receiving a rim job.—Al Kaholic, 42, straight, 17 partners

 

Toss his salad.—slickgirl, 0, straight, 100+ partners

 

Rimming. The guy begged me for it and since I’d never done it before I tried it. It was disgusting!—Wendi, 25, straight, 7 partners

 

Come inside.—No name, 40, straight, 30 partners

 

Have sex on acid.—fun times, 35, straight, 110 partners

 

Never again in a car.—Chaz Leonard, 48,  straight, 20ish partners

 

Let someone go down on me during that time of the month.—Jane Moxley, 25, bi, 11 partners

 

Toys. They just get in the way.—Monsieur Verdoux, 27, straight, 7 partners

 

Golden shower.—Tjazz9, 50, straight, 23 partners

 

Tell her that I’ve never had sex.—Sexdome Master Class, 69, straight, 420,666 partners

 

Bang on the end of a folding bed, next to a window. I almost got thrown outside.—A.Non, 50, straight, 12 partners

 

Fuck a broke-ass man. No job, no money, and lives with his mama.—hottpepper, 42, straight, enough partners to know how to fuck well

 

Watch porn with someone you love.—Martin Rodger, 45, straight, 13 partners

 

I would have to say it was massaging feet. I don’t do feet. Temporary lapse in judgment.—Cobweb Kitty, 40, straight, 30 partners

 

I went down on a hooker. Why?!—Alnightlonngg, straight, 27 partners

 

I would never have sex again in the same room as another couple having sex in the next bed.—Princess Leia, 22, straight, 5 partners

 

Have a threesome with two women.—SillymansWoman, 58, straight, 1,000+ partners

 

Had a threesome with two co-workers. Caused issues later when one began to feel guilty and started causing problems in the workplace.—T-Roy in Troy, MI, 49, straight, about 15 partners

 

Threesome. I’ve had so much group sex in my 20s. I’m enjoying having my fiance all to myself now.—NYC to DTW Chick, 31, straight, 250+ partners

 

Sleep with someone of the same sex. —Lady XVII, 24, straight, 17 partners

 

My ex.—simplyruthless, 24, straight, 13 partners

 

Throw up on my partner.—biggymjim69, 62, gay, 500 partners

 

My best guy friend?—Hussy trash, 24, straight, 30 partners

 

Have a relationship with my best friend’s wife—J.L. Trapper, 38, straight, 47 partners

 

Bed a fat girl just to have sex—long schlong silver 201, 62, straight, 20 partners

 

The big-women thing—the bear from jellystone, 46, straight, partners in the “triple digits”

 

Talk about my feelings after sex.—The Mad Hatter, 37, straight, 41,567 partners

 

Nothing. If I had my way, it would be every way, every day.—NeedItSoon, 50, straight, 12 partners

 

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What’s the soonest you ever had sex with someone after first meeting them? Why?

 

What surprised us about our readers’ answers to this question wasn’t how quickly or slowly they got to home base, but their views on how fast it seemed to them. Answers ranged from “kimmie beth,” who waited two months and called it an “in-the-moment thing,” to “fun times” who thought five minutes was completely normal. And a few answers floored us, as we hardly imagined it was possible to do the deed first and exchange deets afterward!

 

Three months—Day, 31, straight, 3 partners

 

A few months.—Dat Dude, 29, straight, 8 partners

 

Two months. It was an in-the-moment thing.—kimmie beth, 54, straight, 1 partners

 

One month.—Disko C., 25, straight, 6 partners

 

I’ve known everyone I’ve had sex with at least a month. I think I need to feel like I know someone before I want to have sex with them.—simplyruthless, 24, straight, 13 partners

 

I met this girl in one of my acting classes and we had sex a couple of weeks later. I think it just sort of happened since we were so into each other.—Clooney, 27, straight, 8 partners

 

Two weeks. We were horny.—dupushky, 29, bi, 15 partners

 

Two weeks. We were both extremely horny.—NeedItSoon, 50, straight, 12 partners

 

After the third time meeting, because they were interesting.—andrea!, 24, straight, 6 partners

 

Two dates. Chemistry.—Elvis, 45, straight, 12 partners

 

One week? Drunk …—waxwing, 28, straight, 11 partners

 

About a week. I think it happened so quick because we were horny freshmen.—JB, 22, straight, about 6 partners

 

I’ve never had immediate sex. It’s always been at least the second date.—kurth69, 48, bi, lots of partners

 

On the second date, because it was love at first sight.—Rocker69, 54, bi, 20-30 partners

 

That same day … why not?—Squirtz, 54, straight, 15 partners

 

The same day. It was a one night stand and I was young and sowing my wild oats.—Princess Leia, 22, straight, 5 partners

 

Same day. Just happened.—Jet Black, 48, straight, 15 partners

 

A day … and that’s what alcohol does.—Monsieur Verdoux, 27, straight, 7 partners

 

Same night, it was a dry spell—SexHappens, 29, straight, 30+ partners

 

Same night. She wanted to too.—No name, 40, straight, 30 partners

 

First night. We hit it off, had both been drinking, seemed like a good idea at the time.—Joe Malone, 30, straight, 21 partners

 

I’ve had sex upon first meeting a guy before. He was super hot and I was amazed that a guy that hot would want a plain nerd like me.—Wendi, 25, straight, 7 partners

 

First date (most people have at some point). Why? ’Cause we can.—L, 37, straight, ? partners

 

First date. Just clicked and we both wanted to get down.—Lookimsuperman, 25, straight, 107 partners

 

The same night I met him. We had talked casually online a while and had already traded pictures so I was already amped up and it took restraint to try not to just attack him. Which I just ended up doing anyway.—Hussy trash, 24, straight, 30 partners

 

Official “lose” moment. Margaritas + hot guy = FIRST DATE! Why? Tequila… —Cobweb Kitty, 40, straight, 30 partners

 

I put out on the first date.—JOTS, 32, straight, 14 partners

 

About 5 hours. Becuase I knew I could.—MutualSatisfaction, 47, straight, 17+ partners

 

Probably four hours. OkCupid meet-up. He was bizarre, mind-blowingly intelligent, charming, an asshole, and extremely seductive. It started with him giving me a shoulder rub while talking with me about sacred geometry, and, well …—Jane Moxley, 25, bi, 11 partners

 

About three hours.—J.L. Trapper, 38, straight, 47 partners

 

Three hours. We were both very horny.—Buttfun, 36, straight, 12 partners

 

A few hours. Because I said, “I don’t believe in monogamy,” and she yelled out, “That’s awesome!”—das bitch, 34, bi, 12 partners

 

A few hours. Drunk and it seemed like fun.—Charlotte Baltimore, 28, bi, 18 partners

 

A few hours. One-night stand.—riot1967, 46, straight, 9 partners

 

Mere hours. Met at a party. I was recently single and looking to fill the void so to speak. It was supposed to be no strings. We ended up dating for the summer.—CAC, 25, straight, 30+ partners

 

Hours after! He was hot and I was horny!—Boobs McGee, 43, bi, 40 partners

 

Two hours. One night stand that became a friends with benefits situation.—Harvey birdman, Attorney at Law, 28, straight, 33 partners

 

Two hours. I was out of town and the bar was closing in an hour. We talked for an hour at the bar, an hour in the car followed by 11 minutes of glory at a fleabag hotel. We both quietly got dressed and parted ways.—RichRod, 39, straight, 20 partners, not counting blow jobs

 

The soonest I had sex with someone was within two hours of meeting her. She was so incredibly hot and our chemistry just mixed right then and there that we had to have one another.—Texas, 42, straight, 6 partners

 

Two hours. … Met up for anonymous sex.—slickgirl, straight, 100+ partners

 

Within two hours. Threesome. :/—JoJo16, 36, straight, 15 partners

 

An hour. I was open enough to ask. Turning 50 gave me balls.—metro times, 64, straight, 40± partners

 

One hour! We were both just honest after meeting in a club and decided we wanted each other and went back to her place.—T-Roy in Troy, MI, 49, straight, about 15 partners

 

Within the hour, because we already knew each other well online and the sexual and intellectual attraction was already strong.—SillymansWoman, 58, straight, 1000+ partners

 

Within 45 minutes. She had a bottle of Jack and we were smashed.—the bear from jellystone, 46, straight, trip didgets partners

 

I had sex with a girl 30 minutes after meeting her. Our mutual friends had shown us pictures of each other and asked if we’d have sex with each other. We both said yes, so they set us up to meet, and the rest you can guess.—bill Gluckman, 23, straight, 12 partners

 

Thirty minutes. Drunk at a club—Lady XVII, 24, straight, 17 partners

 

Half-hour.—Tinker, 45, straight, 40 partners

 

The furniture delivery man, because he had other deliveries to make.—Norma Jean Baker, 59, straight, 88 partners

 

Twenty minutes? Swing clubs work that way.—Hmmmm, 50, straight, unsure partners

 

Fifteen minutes. She was hot, I was recovering from a bad breakup—Chaz Leonard, 48, straight, 20ish partners

 

Fifteen minutes. That was kind of the whole plan.—shynkinky, 23, bi, 16 partners

 

About 10 minutes. I was pissed off at a gal pal storming out the front door of the bar and a really hot guy was getting out of his car. I needed a ride … and he got one too!—Synful, 44, straight, lost count of how many partners

 

Ten minutes. LOL. Met this chick at a bar, she was extremely drunk and horny. I sang a karaoke song that she had wanted to hear, didn’t even make it back to the table. She took my hand and led me out the door, ended up going back to her place.—Captain Krunk, 28, bi, 50 partners

 

Ten minutes. Why? Cocaine is one hell of a drug!—NYC to DTW Chick, 31, straight, 250+ partners

 

Ten minutes. We went into the attic of the house we met at. Came back. No one noticed we were gone.—Smart-E-Smarty, 55, straight, >50<100 partners

 

Five minutes. Why not?—fun times, 35, straight, 110 partners

 

Two to three minutes. She offered, I thought she was way cute, I was single, and we did it.—Al Kaholic, 42, straight, 17 partners

 

Two minutes. We met through an online sex ad.—kodos1, 46, straight, 65 partners

 

Immediately. Orgy.—kceracera, 57, straight, 57? partners

 

In high school, I wanted to have sex properly after fudged attempts of playing doctor. A cute boy asked me and I went for it right away, just to get it right.—A.Non, 50, straight, 12 partners

 

Once I had sex with someone before I met them. It was weird.—Jesse, 22, straight, 1 if you count myself partners

 

Right before I introduced myself.—Savio Vega, straight, between 3 and 30 partners

 

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What’s the longest you ever waited to have sex with someone? Why?

 

Why wait at all? That was what some of our readers thought. And then we saw some pretty darn good reasons to wait — at least arguments stronger than one’s significant other laying down the kibosh on boffing.

 

Fifty years. I’m still waiting.—metro times, 64, straight, 40± partners

 

A decade or so, because he was first a friend and then something more developed. Worth the wait — we’re still at it 15 years later.—SillymansWoman, 58, straight, 1,000+ partners

 

Six years. Because I was married.—Texas, 42, straight, 6 partners

 

The longest I’ve ever waited to have sex with someone was six years. I wanted him bad since the day I met him.—Wendi, 25, straight, 7 partners

 

Six years. We had no social contact outside of work or other personal areas.—NeedItSoon, 50, straight, 12 partners

 

Six years. She kept saying no. Then one night, we went out because her boyfriend broke up with her. We had drinks, and we had sex. It was really awkward and really good. We did it a few more times, then stopped being friends shortly thereafter.—RichRod, 39, straight, 20 partners, not counting blowjobs

 

Like … five years? It was my older sister’s best friend, honestly one of the most beautiful creatures I’ve ever seen. She scared the shit out of me. I got over it, though. ;)—JB, 22, straight, about 6 partners

 

Three years? We were friends for a long time. Had some opportunities, but I wanted to legitimately date him so I held off until we could be serious.—CAC, 25, straight, 30+ partners

 

Three years. I loved him and didnt want to lose a friend.—exit69bigbeaver, 29, straight, “I’ll never tell how many” partners

 

Three years. Afraid of AIDS.—biggymjim69, 62, gay, 500 partners

 

Two years. Stupidity — I thought she was worth the wait.—long schlong silver 201, 62, straight, 20 partners

 

I waited a year-and-a-half to have sex with a girl who was just the prettiest female that I’ve even dated. She was a virgin and wanted to wait until she knew that we were in a long-term relationship. We dated for five years.—kurth69, 48, bi, lots of partners

 

One-and-a-half years, because it was my best friend’s wife.—J.L. Trapper, 38, straight, 47 partners

 

Over a year. It was a long-distance thing—the bear from jellystone, 46, straight, number of partners in the triple digits

 

More than a year — because of a pregnancy and its aftermath.—Alex, 56, straight, 1 partners

 

One year, because he was a virgin and wanted to make it really special.—Princess Leia, 22, straight, 5 partners

 

A year. Why? She was Catholic.—Monsieur Verdoux, 27, straight, 7 partners

 

Eleven months, due to a bad previous breakup.—andrea!, 24, straight, 6 partners

 

Ten months. We dated off and on and she wanted to wait. We broke up for good about a week later.—JOTS, 32, straight, 14 partners

 

Eight months. He was a gentleman, but I later found out I was also his first.—Shining South Star81, 31, straight, Ummmm partners

 

Eight months. He was married!—Boobs McGee, 43, bi, 40 partners

 

Six months.—No name, 40, straight, 30 partners

 

Six months. We were both young.—Buttfun, 36, straight, 12 partners

 

Six months. The timing was never right—Chaz Leonard, 48, straight, 20ish partners

 

Six months. I was young.—kimmie beth, 54, straight, 1 partner

 

Six months. That said, I was 19, and that was the first time I had ever had sex with anyone. Why did I wait that long? I was originally planning on waiting until marriage.—Jane Moxley, 25, bi, 11 partners

 

Four to six months. We met and felt instant attraction, but we were both in relationships that didn’t allow such things until we started dating.—das bitch, 34, bi, 12 partners

 

Five months. I wanted to see how long someone could be interesting without sex.—JoJo16, 36, straight, 15 partners

 

Four months. I wanted to establish a relationship and friendship first.—Squirtz, 54, straight, 15 partners

 

Four months. I was stupid and thought she was the one.—Al Kaholic, 42, straight, 17 partners

 

Not by my choice, however, I waited for about 10-12 dates. I had some real strong feelings for this “spicy enchilada!”—Alnightlonngg, straight, 27 partners

 

About three to four months. I was simply intimidated by him. Felt like I wouldn’t “measure up” sexually.—Cobweb Kitty, 40, straight, 30 partners

 

A few months. She was very conservative and wanted to ensure there was a relationship before I was added to her “number.”—Harvey birdman, Attorney at Law, 28, straight, 33 partners

 

Three months. I knew she was the one and I was prepared to wait no matter what.—Smart-E-Smarty, 55, straight, >50<100 partners

 

Three months. I really liked him, and didn’t want to ruin it.—shynkinky, 23, bi, 16 partners

 

Three months. Because she was pregnant.—Rocker69, 54, bi, 20-30 partners

 

A few months. I really wanted to hold out when I was younger.—SexHappens, 29, straight, 30+ partners

 

Two months. I was shy.—bumblebee blackstone, 41, straight, 11 partners

 

Two months with my now-husband. We were in different countries and talking online. I bet this is common these days.—A.Non, 50, straight, 12 partners

 

Two months. We met online.—slickgirl, 0, straight, 100+ partners

 

Two months. Fear. She was just too alarmingly gorgeous.—Jet Black, 48, straight, 15 partners

 

Two months. Met this chick who was one of those “no sex until marriage” types. I talked her into having sex one night. The next day she said she felt too guilty to keep seeing me.—Captain Krunk, 28, bi, 50 partners

 

Two months. She was playing “hard to get.” At least that’s what she said. We’ve been married now 17 years—StrongBrother1, 48, straight, 158 partners

 

The longest I waited with a girlfriend was a month-and-a-half.—bill Gluckman, 23, straight, 12 partners

 

My now husband-to-be and I were so drunk and high the first month of dating, we waited a month or so to do it.—NYC to DTW Chick, 31, straight, 250+ partners

 

One month. Worth it.—waxwing, 28, straight, 11 partners

 

One month of dating. She wanted to wait. It was excruciating. She said she didn’t want to do it until she felt comfortable enough and close enough to go that far. But I was surprised by how much better the sex was once we finally got around to it. —Joe Malone, 30, straight, 21 partners

 

Approximately a month. I was in love. *cringe*—Merc Montclair, 32, straight, 60+ partners

 

I waited one month with my ex-wife. I was head over heels in love and didn’t want it to be too soon. And the first time was awful, but she turned out to be the best lover I ever had.—Martin Rodger, 45, straight, 13 partners

 

About three weeks. It was his choice, not mine. He was a good man.—L, 37, straight, unknown number of partners

 

A couple of weeks.—fun times, 35, straight, 110 partners

 

Two weeks. I wanted him to think I was a good girl.—Tinker, 45, straight, 40 partners

 

Once I decide I want to have sex with someone, I try not to wait. I was once shot down for two weeks straight before I got it in.—simplyruthless, 24, straight, 13 partners

 

Three days. To not seem like a slut. I was 20.—Sylvester Stallone’s Fucking Veins, 34, straight, 40 partners

 

Until her boyfriend left town.—Tjazz9, 50, straight, 23 partners

 

I never waited to have sex with someone. Why should I?—Norma Jean Baker, 59, straight, 88 partners

 

I don’t really see the point in waiting. If you are attracted to someone, and you like them, then go for it.—Dolly Fartin’, 28, straight, 62 partners

 

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When at a loss for a dildo, what household

item will do?

 

OK, some of you used this as an occasion to joke. (One wag suggested using a “penis” instead.) Some wondered why an appliance was necessary at all. “Monsieur Verdoux” joked, “Don’t use’em. Five-knuckle shuffle works when you’re not getting any. As Woody Allen says, ‘Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.’” Some seemed too uncommon to qualify as a “household item,” such the answer from “das bitch,” who said, “I used to sit on this five-inch rounded stone holder for these round stone coasters my parents bought in Mexico. It sat on the coffee table.” (Remind us to just hold onto our beers when we visit your parents, OK?) Perhaps the most interesting suggestion was from “Jane Moxley,” who said, “I have a miniature lava lamp nightlight that served me pretty well in the past.” Or take CAC, who answered, “One time, I used a bottle of shampoo that was very phallic.” But, that said, here are some of the answers our readers gave: Drumsticks, a turkey baster, a banana, a large carrot, a large cucumber, a Corona bottle, a hairbrush handle, the shaped, wooden handle of an old-style spatula, a lube tube, a nice, super-soft, rubber-handled kitchen utensil, a Hitachi Magic Wand, a flashlight, the trusty loofah in the bath, Mr. Showerhead, candles with condoms, anything smooth and elongated, Jacuzzi jets, vibrating toothbrush handles, any vibrating massagers, “if desperate, the vibration from a mobile phone.”

 

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What is the best excuse if you are caught masturbating by a parent or spouse?

 

Readers took us to task (quite rightly) on this one, pointing out that being caught by a spouse and being caught by a parent are two very different scenarios. And some respondents insisted that, since there’s nothing wrong with it, no excuse is necessary, best embodied in the response of “Joe Malone,” who replied, “Get out of my room, I’m masturbating!”

 

Spouse: “I was thinking of you.”

Parent: “Holy fuck!”—Al Kaholic, 42, straight, 17 partners

 

I caught my son … he said, “I was just checking for something.”—Tinker, 45, straight, 40 partners

 

My mom probably would have laughed and told me to “carry on.”—A.Non, 50, straight, 12 partners

 

Try to laugh. Not much you can say.—metro times, 64, straight, 40± partners

 

Who needs an excuse? It’s natural.—Buttfun, 36, straight, 12 partners

 

I’m too smart to let that happen.—Disko C., 25, straight, 6 partners

 

You don’t need an excuse. You’ve been caught.—Rocker69, 54, bi, 20-30 partners

 

By a parent or spouse? OK, being caught by a spouse doesn’t sound bad at all. Parent? Um … “Oh, I was adjusting.”—Jane Moxley, 25, bi, 11 partners

 

Why would I ever have to have an excuse? Who cares? Like I said before, nothing ever embarrasses me, so why would I feel like I owe anyone an excuse or explanation?—Norma Jean Baker, 59, straight, 88 partners

 

No excuse. “Get outta here so I can finish.”—Hussy trash, 24, straight, 30 partners

 

My girlfriend and I have sex so often that I don’t need to masturbate anymore. It’s great.—JOTS, 32, straight, 14 partners

 

Lucky me, I don’t need an excuse. My husband loves catching me.—Day, 31, straight, 3 partners

 

“Oops, I didn’t lock the door.” It really turns on my spouse to catch me.—kimmie beth, 54, straight, 1 partner

 

“Well you’re not taking care of this business. I have to take matters into my own hands.”—Squirtz, 54, straight, 15 partners

 

Best excuse is the truth, “Just warming it up for you, baby!” (Never caught by the parent.)—Texas, 42, straight, 6 partners

 

“I was horny and you were not available.”—StrongBrother1, 48, straight, 158 partners

 

“We haven’t had sex in months, I was making sure it still worked.”—RichRod, 39, straight, 20 partners, not counting blowjobs

 

“This is in the name of science!” —shynkinky, 23, bi, 16 partners

 

“My vagina is on fire!”—waxwing, 28, straight, 11 partners

 

“What’s wrong with having a hobby?”—Jet Black, 48, straight, 15 partners

 

“My date never showed up.”—Tjazz9, 50, straight, 23 partners

 

“I have hit rock bottom, and am too depressed to care who knows it.”—Sexdome Master Class, 69, straight, 420,666 partners

 

Terrible muscle cramp.—Synful, 44, straight, lost count partners

 

Accidental mixing of prescription medication and alcohol.—Harvey birdman, Attorney at Law, 28, straight, 33 partners

 

No excuse, just shamefully hiding my face for a week.—andrea!, 24, straight, 6 partners

 

“I was checking for lumps!”—Boobs McGee, 43, bi, 40 partners

 

“That was really my pet cat under the covers.”—Clooney, 27, straight, 8 partners

 

“My vagina was itchy. I was just scratching it.”—Wendi, 25, straight, 7 partners

 

“Sorry, was I making too much noise?”—Alex, 56, straight, 1 partners

 

“Just rehearsing.”—kceracera, 57, straight, 57? partners

 

“I am being proactive in my vagina’s health.”—Shining South Star81, 31, straight, Ummmm partners

 

“I was just applying lotion for smooth skin.” —Captain Krunk, 28, bi, 50 partners

 

The embarassment negates any excuse.—kurth69, 48, bi, lots partners

 

“My hand got stuck in some glue.” —Dolly Fartin’, 28, straight, 62 partners

 

“I learned it from watching you!”—Merc Montclair, 32, straight, 60+ partners

 

You need an excuse for a spouse?

For parents, you say, “Look what you made me do!” and keep going, if you can.—Sylvester Stallone’s Fucking Veins, 34, straight, 40 partners

 

“You should have knocked first.”—MutualSatisfaction, 47, straight, 17+ partners

 

“A spider crawled up my pants and I was trying to kill it.”—CAC, 25, straight, 30+ partners

 

“I’m sure you’ve been here too.”—simplyruthless, 24, straight, 13 partners

 

Period cramps.—SexHappens, 29, straight, 30+ partners

 

“Practice makes me harder.”—J.L. Trapper, 38, straight, 47 partners

 

“It’s mine! I can wash it as fast as I want to!”—T-Roy in Troy, MI, 49, straight, about 15 partners

 

“I’m practicing for the big game.”—bill Gluckman, 23, straight, 12 partners

 

“It’s not what you think. I was searching for my G-spot!”—Cobweb Kitty, 40, straight, 30 partners

 

“It’s not what it looks like. I was cleaning it and it went off.”—Jesse, 22, straight, 1 if you count myself partners

 

There are no excuses. Only quitting in shame or finishing in defiance.—dupushky, 29, bi, 15 partners

 

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What’s the worst thing a sexual partner has worn (or could wear) in bed?

 

What a wide range of answers we got! From anxieties about cross-dressing to crises of hygiene to just plain silly (we agree, not every person is cool with getting down with somebody dressed as Santa Claus), we got an earful.

 

Everything is perfect. It gets removed anyway.—NeedItSoon, 50, straight, 12 partners

 

I have no idea, but I imagine something covered in vomit.—Lookimsuperman, 25, straight, 107 partners

 

A work shirt that smells like BO.—andrea!, 24, straight, 6 partners

 

Something from the damn thrift store. “That smell is killing my boner, hipster queen!” —JB, 22, straight, about 6 partners

 

I do appreciate the ladies, but that doesn’t mean I could ever go for a guy wearing any type of women’s clothing or undergarments in bed. No. No. No.—Jane Moxley, 25, bi, 11 partners

 

Seeing my very hairy husband in ladies’ frillies would probably not end well for me.—A.Non, 50, straight, 12 partners

 

I would definitely be freaked out if they cross-dressed.—Princess Leia, 22, straight, 5 partners

 

He can’t wear a wig. Anything else is acceptable.—Disko C., 25, straight, 6 partners

 

A nose strip (to stop snoring); a baggy T-shirt with nothing on the bottom (looks too insane-asylum-patient to me); Vicks Vapo-rub on his stupid hands.—Squirtz, 54, straight, 15 partners

 

Bengay.—exit69bigbeaver, 29, straight, “I’ll never tell how many” partners

 

Face cream on a first bed-date.—biggymjim69, 62, gay, 500 partners

 

A green facial and wool socks!—T-Roy in Troy, MI, 49, straight, about 15 partners

 

Socks. Take your socks off before sex! If you don’t have the time or wherewithal to take off your socks, there wasn’t enough foreplay or you just don’t care enough.—simplyruthless, 24, straight, 13 partners

 

Clothes.—Monsieur Verdoux, 27, straight, 7 partners

 

Shoes. —metro times, 64, straight, 40± partners

 

Boots.—Chaz Leonard, 48, straight, 20ish partners

 

Cowboy boots and a onsie.—shynkinky, 23, bi, 16 partners

 

The worst thing was this purple nightie that my ex-wife wore to bed once. It fit her so badly that, for a month straight, all I could picture her as was a little rollie-pollie, cellophane-wrapped candy.—Texas, 42, straight, 6 partners

 

Lace. It chafes.—J.L. Trapper, 38, straight, 47 partners

 

A muumuu.—Charlotte Baltimore, 28, bi, 18 partners

 

Excessively tight jeans.—Alex, 56, straight, 1 partner

 

A plaid shirt.—Tjazz9, 50, straight, 23 partners

 

A RIP memorial T-shirt.—Sylvester Stallone’s Fucking Veins, 34, straight, 40 partners

 

Teal sweatpants.—Martin Rodger, 45, straight, 13 partners

 

Sweat bands. Need I say more?—SexHappens, 29, straight, 30+ partners

 

A négligée that her ex-husband bought for her to wear on her wedding night.—Captain Krunk, 28, bi, 50 partners

 

Any maternity-based item.—Alnightlonngg, straight, 27 partners

 

Black socks! Ugh! —JoJo16, 36, straight, 15 partners

 

Tighty whities … yuck!—slickgirl, 0, straight, 100+ partners

 

Granny pajamas.—Rocker69, 54, bi, 20-30 partners

 

Granny panties.—terry thompson, 41, straight, 50 partners

 

Torn or stained undies.—Boobs McGee, 43, bi, 40 partners

 

Skidmarked undies.—dupushky, 29, bi, 15 partners

 

I had a big girl wear a thong once. It was nasty.—Al Kaholic, 42, straight, 17 partners

 

Something they don’t want stained.—Hmmmm, 50, straight, unsure partners

 

Elephant underwear. The trunk grew as he did. I almost peed the bed from laughing.—Synful, 44, straight, lost count of partners

 

A giant strap-on.—Joe Malone, 30, straight, 21 partners

 

A penis ring. —Lady XVII, 24, straight, 17 partners

 

Goggles.—kceracera, 57, straight, 57? partners

 

A bodysuit.—Buttfun, 36, straight, 12 partners

 

Crotchless leather pants (seriously).—Harvey birdman, Attorney at Law, 28, straight, 33 partners

 

A hazmat suit.—Sexdome Master Class, 69, straight, 420,666 partners

 

Fire-retardant welding clothes.—Merc Montclair, 32, straight, 60+ partners

 

A scuba suit.—Jesse, 22, straight, 1 if you count myself partners

 

A Santa Claus costume.—Dolly Fartin’, 28, straight, 62 partners

 

Winter clothes or an animal costume.—Dat Dude, 29, straight, 8 partners

 

A furry outfit.—NYC to DTW Chick, 31, straight, 250+ partners

 

That horse mask that I’ve been seeing everywhere on the Internet lately. The Burger King mask is a close second.—The Mad Hatter, 37, straight, 41,567 partners

 

The worst thing worn was unfortunately attached: one large testicle! Do you wear body parts? —Cobweb Kitty, 40, straight, 30 partners

 

Fake teeth.—bumblebee blackstone, 41, straight, 11 partners

 

A frown.—CAC, 25, straight, 30+ partners

 

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Describe the perfect penis.

 

OK, guys. We understand that you are all proud of your little guy and enjoyed answering “mine” (self-esteem and testosterone seeming to go together), and we’ve heard that one about a baby’s arm holding an apple. But we also got a lot of responses that were surprisingly specific, with notes not just on size, but on bends, tips, responsiveness and grooming.

 

Mine but more vein-y? And also connected to me.—JB, 22, straight, 6? partners

 

One that’s clean and disease-free, with just the right amount of girth, between 7-1/2 and 10 inches, with a slight curve to hit the G-spot.—Cobweb Kitty, 40, straight, 30 partners

 

I like them big: circumcised, all one color (don’t like the looks of them when the top half is red and rough from years of frantic masturbation), 8-1/2 to 10 inches with a 2- to 3-inch girth (height and weight appropriate), straight out — no curving or belly hug.—Squirtz, 54, straight, 15 partners

 

About 9 inches long, and 4 inches around. Not too big, but enough to fill the space. And it has to be proportioned and circumcised—shynkinky, 23, bi, 16 partners

 

Pleasantly thick. No longer than 9 inches.—dupushky, 29, bi, 15 partners

 

Eight inches, circumsised and no crazy bends.—Tinker, 45, straight, 40 partners

 

Eight inches, average girth, circumcised, clean, no erectile dysfunction.—Charlotte Baltimore, 28, bi, 18 partners

 

Slightly bigger than average, thickness and length. Not too hairy around the base and hard!—SexHappens, 29, straight, 30+ partners

 

Not too big or too small; 8 inches and cut is good.—Rocker69, 54, bi, 20-30 partners

 

Seven to 8 inches long, girthy (but not a Coke can), sizable difference between the head and the diameter of the shaft, one noticeable, three-dimensional vein wrapping around the side, warm coloration. —Jane Moxley, 25, bi, 11 partners

 

Seven or 8 inches, cut, with low-hanging balls.—Captain Krunk, 28, bi, 50 partners

 

Symmetrical, of nice color, 7 inches and 2-1/2 in diameter.—slickgirl, straight, 100+ partners

 

Seven inches (maybe a little more), just thick enough to wrap my hand around.—Day, 31, straight, 3 partners

 

Seven to 9 inches, smooth, girthy, veiny, trimmed.—No name, straight, partners

 

Seven to 8 inches, thick, pink, circumcised, lasts a long time!—NYC to DTW Chick, 31, straight, 250+ partners

 

Clean-cut head, 7 inches, not too girthy, with a slight curve upward.—JoJo16, 36, straight, 15 partners

 

Seven inches long, 2 inches in diameter, circumcised, nicely man-scaped, pink and hard!—Boobs McGee, 43, bi, 40 partners

 

Circumsized, 6 to 8 inches long, no sagging balls and light pubic hair. Too much hair is not sexy. No piercings either; the penis is not meant for that.—L, 37, straight, unknown number of partners

 

Around 6 inches, 2 inches in diameter and a little curved for some added fun.—Princess Leia, 22, straight, 5 partners

 

Six to 8 inches long, 4 inches in diameter.—Dat Dude, 29, straight, 8 partners

 

Six to 8 inches, thick, circumcised.—Dolly Fartin’, 28, straight, 62 partners

 

Circumcised, about 6-7 inches long and 1-1/2 inches in diameter.—Lady XVII, 24, straight, 17 partners

 

Four to 6 inches, uncut.—Mary, 40, straight, 200 partners

 

Proportioned nicely, not too long and thin or too short and wide, a nice even coloring and groomed appropriately.—Hussy trash, 24, straight, 30 partners

 

Long enough to fill my mouth, slender and straight, not too wide but not too skinny, definition in the head. Head-to-shaft proportion should be normal and it should taste good and feel soft and delicate.—Disko C., 25, straight, 6 partners

 

Foreskin that slides easily. Not too thick or too long so it is a comfortable mouthful.—SillymansWoman, 58, straight, 1,000+ partners

 

One that’s hard when I want it to be, available, and attached to a body with tits.—das bitch, 34, bi, 12 partners

 

A huge mushroom.—Tjazz9, 50, straight, 23 partners

 

Thick, long, and a symmetrical mushroom tip.—CAC, 25, straight, 30+ partners

 

Big old cock.—Sexdome Master Class, 69, straight, 420,666 partners

 

The one that makes my innards go boom.—A.Non, 50, straight, 12 partners

 

Hard!—Synful, 44, straight, lost count partners

 

Long, thick and ready to party.—bumblebee blackstone, 41, straight, 11 partners

 

Large enough to grab onto, not too big to fit.—andrea!, 24, straight, 6 partners

 

Erect with a condom on.—simplyruthless, 24, straight, 13 partners

 

Long and chubby.—exit69bigbeaver, 29, straight, “I’ll never tell how many” partners

 

Thick, long, large and in charge.—biggymjim69, 62, gay, 500 partners

 

Disease-free, thick, gets hard at a moment’s notice.—Sylvester Stallone’s Fucking Veins, 34, straight, 40 partners

 

My husband’s.—sly fox, 49, straight, 40 partners

 

The one you keep coming back to.—Smart-E-Smarty, 55, straight, >50<100 partners

 

Attached to a very rich man.—hottpepper, 42, straight, enough partners to know how to fuck well

 

Long, hard and all mine.—kimmie beth, 54, straight, 1 partners

 

Engorged —metro times, 64, straight, 40± partners

 

The perfect penis doesn’t go limp within five minutes and gets the job done.—Wendi, 25, straight, 7 partners

 

Whatever you need it to be.—Alex, 56, straight, 1 partner

 

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Describe the perfect vagina.

 

Though a few respondents had some very specific metrics, most approved of trimmed hair, cleanliness, and an appealing smell and taste. And some of the answers were really quite funny, especially when describing what not to look for.

 

Clean. Vaginas are oddest-looking things I have ever eaten. All I ask is that it’s clean.—JB, 22, straight, 6? partners

 

As long as it’s clean. That’s all I ask. Nothing worse than having the faint smell of a Taco Bell beef chalupa. Horrifying as that may sound, I have come across said “Taco Smell.” Needless to say, I abandoned ship.—Monsieur Verdoux, 27, straight, 7 partners

 

Just needs to smell and taste good. Vaginas vary so much, there can be no perfect vagina.—Disko C., 25, straight, 6 partners

 

One without any STDs.—No name, 40, straight, 30 partners

 

Tight, small labia, neatly trimmed or shaved. No piercings.—Joe Malone, 30, straight, 21 partners

 

Tight, wet and shaved.—JOTS, 32, straight, 14 partners

 

Nicely trimmed, tight but not too tight, clit easily gets off, squirts.—fun times, 35, straight, 110 partners

 

One that is maintained. No one wants to visit Sherwood Forest or need a compass and a map to find the hidden treasure — seriously.—L, 37, straight, unknown number of partners

 

Clean, trimmed pubic area — healthy-looking and pink — very sensitive and orgasmic.—Squirtz, 54, straight, 15 partners

 

Very little hair.—Tjazz9, 50, straight, 23 partners

 

Shaved with a little hair left on top. Big, thick inner labia and a big clit.—Al Kaholic, 42, straight, 17 partners

 

Trimmed, big clitoris, pink, lips that are open, tight!—Boobs McGee, 43, bi, 40 partners

 

Well-trimmed, nice-sized clit, and makes a lovely smile when turned on the side!—T-Roy in Troy, MI, 49, straight, about 15 partners

 

Clean, with just a small patch of hair.—Captain Krunk, 28, bi, 50 partners

 

Wet, tight, smelling good, and clean-shaved.—bill Gluckman, 23, straight, 12 partners

 

Less hair, tight and smells good.—StrongBrother1, 48, straight, 158 partners

 

Trimmed and tight.—exit69bigbeaver, 29, straight, “I’ll never tell how many” partners

 

Warm, wet, some hair, trimmed and not too much, smells like nice vagina, not dirty or unclean.—Charlotte Baltimore, 28, bi, 18 partners

 

Trimmed, tight, and pink. Kegels. Every woman should be doing them.—CAC, 25, straight, 30+ partners

 

Warm and moist and not too furry.—Jet Black, 48, straight, 15 partners

 

Little, close to body. Small labia lips. Clean and trimmed.—kodos1, 46, straight, 65 partners

 

Clean, hairy, tight lips.—Sylvester Stallone’s Fucking Veins, 34, straight, 40 partners

 

Thick, outer lips the cover the inner lips, with a slightly covered clit.—shynkinky, 23, bi, 16 partners

 

The perfect vagina is finely shaped like a little pear with a clit that just peeks out from the lips begging to be teased. It is sweet to the taste with a hint of musky smell.—Texas, 42, straight, 6 partners

 

Firm clit, taut labia, uniform in color, of course, one easily excited.—Elvis, 45, straight, 12 partners

 

Moist, soft and willing—Alex, 56, straight, 1 partner

 

One that squeezes your fingers.—bumblebee blackstone, 41, straight, 11 partners

 

You know it when you see it.—Martin Rodger, 45, straight, 13 partners

 

My wife’s.—kceracera, 57, straight, 57? partners

 

I don’t think there’s such a thing. I refer to vaginas as “sarlacci.” They’re unappealing to me.—Wendi, 25, straight, 7 partners

 

Soft, wet, warm, eager and accessible by me only.—kurth69, 48, bi, lots of partners

 

Neat, clean look, no saggy lips.

 —Dat Dude, 29, straight, 8 partners

 

Wet and nimble.—Dolly Fartin’, 28, straight, 62 partners

 

Wet and on birth control.—simplyruthless, 24, straight, 13 partners

 

Tight and clean.—biggymjim69, 62, gay, 500 partners

 

How mine is, a puffed slit.—Mary, 40, straight, 200 partners

 

One where if you’d throw it up into the air it would turn into sunshine.—The Mad Hatter, 37, straight, 41,567 partners

 

As long as it’s wet and not loose, it’s good.—Rocker69, 54, bi, 20-30 partners

 

One that’s there and willing.—the bear from jellystone, 46, straight, partners in the “triple digits”

 

All of them.—NeedItSoon, 50, straight, 12 partners

 

They are all lovely in their own way—Chaz Leonard, 48, straight, 20ish partners

 

How the vagina “should” look has become massively overblown with my generation (twentysomethings). Every vagina is different and awesome in its own way. A guy shouldn’t be pondering the various proportions of inner and outer labia clitoral hood.—Harvey birdman, Attorney at Law, 28, straight, 33 partners

 

============================

 

And now, the worst possible words for these things, as described by our readers:

 

Vagina: baby cave, bearded clam, bearded lady, beaver, box, clam, coochie, cooter crotch, cunt, dick warmer, droopy cunt, gash, greasebox, ham wallet, happy no-no spot, hole, honeypot, love glove, man cave, meat curtains, meat locker, monkey, nethermouth, pudding, pussy, pussow, roast beef sandwich, slit, snatch, snizz, stinkbox, twat, vag, va-jay-jay, whoopie cushion, whisker biscuit, wolf puss.

 

Penis: baby’s arm, beef rod, Big Ed Mustapha, bird, chub, cock, Colonel Noseworthy, corndog, dick, the dicktator, ding-a-ling, dong, hoagie, jimmy, johnson, little guy, Little John, love muscle, meat sword, Mr. Happy, mushroom rod, one-eyed trouser snake, peepee, peter, pindick, pole, prick, purple one-eyed monster, meat dildo, meat puppet, meat stick, meat thermometer, pecker, rod, schlong, slut slayer, sword, tallywhacker, unit, walking stick, wang, weiner, wood.

 

Sex: Balling, banging, the beast with two backs, boffing, boinking, boning, boom-boom time, bumping uglies, the business, conjugal visit, copulation, dicking, doing it, doing the deed, doing the horizontal tango, the duty, fornicating, fucking, getting busy, getting one’s dick wet, getting some, hiding the salami, humping, knocking boots, making cumsies, making love, making whoopee, mushing, the nasty, poking, porking, pushin’ the cushion, screwing, shagging, slapping uglies, sleeping with someone, smashing grumbly bits, tapping that ass, walking the dog, whacking off.

 

Special thanks again to our readers for being so responsive. Send comments to letters@metrotimes.com.

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