Cover Story
The five people you meet in college
The archetypal students, and how to handle them
Published: August 29, 2012
Appearance:
Blond hair
iPhone
Parents' credit card
Grande, skinny, no-whip vanilla latte
Bag emblazoned with sorority letters
Chanel sunglasses
Hard Tail yoga pants (though never seen coming to or from yoga)
Common questions: "can I put that on my card?" or [in awestruck tone] "You do your own laundry?"
Academic habits: Attends class for purely social reasons. Otherwise skips to go shopping for sunglasses, art supplies or, if it's rush season, friends.
Often found: Traveling in packs, typically three to 18 deep.
iPod playlist: A whole playlist of Adele remixes, Nicki Minaj, Bruno Mars, Eminem and the Script.
Key words: "Like," "sorostitute," "box wine."
Pros: Has been in a protective, upper-middle-class bubble so long she will not challenge you with reality.
Cons: Strains and elevates her voice to match the standard sorority pitch. Easily bored or annoyed.
How to bluff: Ask her if she's a natural blonde, or if she knows of any good coffee shops.
The Star Athlete
Appearance:
Sunglasses
Aura of superiority
Entire wardrobe dictated by the athletic department
Common questions: "What's the score?" and "Did we have a test last week?"
Academic habits: Sometimes comes to class just to see what it's like, leaving as soon as he's consumed the two Muscle Milks and three CLIF Bars he has in his backpack.
Often found: Travels only with other athletes, or within rotating clouds of groupies.
iPod playlist: Rick Ross, "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor, any generic rap or hard rock.
Key words: "Protein," "sweats," "practice."
Pros: Hang with him at the bar and you won't wait in lines or pay for drinks.
Cons: Won't hang with you at the bar.
How to bluff: Just steer away of mentioning the fact that only a very small percentage of college athletes are able to make a career out of their sport.
The stoner
Appearance:
Slouchy beanie
Thin, bright coat of eyeliner contrasted with stark red eyes
Lazy posture
Oversized Joy Division T-shirt (beneath a hemp baja hoodie in the winter months)
Thrift store jeans or long, flowing skirt
Sandals or Converse tennis shoes
Accessories: glass chillum, eye drops, hacky-sack, potent-smelling Ziploc bag
Common questions: "What?"
Academic habits: Surprisingly, often shows up to class and appears totally absorbed, but confuses professor when she flunks a simple test then explains she thought the class was on a different subject (for several weeks ...).
Often found: Blissed-out in her dorm room atop a pile of avant-garde magazines, or harshed-out in the cafeteria by the bogus food with her headphones on.
iPod playlist: Sublime, Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, Wiz Khalifa and stock nature sounds
Key words: "Dude," "peace," "Kush," "I forgot."
Pros: Relatively free with bud, won't raid your beer.
Cons: Won't wear shoes unless forced to. Won't remember who you are the next time you see her.
How to bluff: Tell her about your attempts to get a medical card, or repeat her pro-legalization arguments back to her.
> Email Paul Kitti
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