Savage Love
Split shifts vs. love life
She’s on days, he’s on nights. How can that work
Published: June 27, 2012
Q:
I'm a guy. I've been with my girlfriend for almost two years. I love her, but in the last year, sex has been an issue. I feel attracted to her, but I find myself easily distracted these days, kind of worried during sex, which has resulted in me either coming super fast or losing my erection altogether. As a result, she does not orgasm at all. It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to be intimate with her for fear of letting her down. I have gone to see doctors to try to understand if my medical conditions — severe sleep apnea, elevated blood pressure — might have something to do with it. I'm in treatment for these things and I've started going to a therapist too. I am thinking of buying some sex toys to use while I work to overcome my problems. My girlfriend doesn't own any, and she says she doesn't masturbate because she tried it once and never came. How do I approach her with the idea of using sex toys during sex? Should I? I just want her to experience an orgasm even if I need to get some extra help from a vibrator. —Devil In The Details
A:
Incorporating some adult toys — vibrators and dildos — into your sex life isn't just a great way to maintain your sexual connection while you work on your physical and mental issues, DITD, it's also a great way to take the pressure off your dick. Performance anxiety and worries about leaving your partner unsatisfied can combine to create a hugely destructive, dick-deflating negative feedback loop. As for your girlfriend...
A woman who doesn't masturbate — because she tried it once and it didn't work — has hang-ups, DITD. And a woman with hang-ups is much likelier to forgive a partner for having purchased some sex toys than she is to give a partner her advance permission to go and purchase some sex toys. So find a good local or online sex-toy store and buy whatever you think looks like fun.
> Email Dan Savage
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