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Savage Love

Spit or swallow?

He wants a pretty dramatic climax, but she just wants to swallow

By Dan Savage

Published: October 27, 2010

Am I just being a petty bitch or is he being an insensitive asshole? —Angry Lesbian Daughter

A: Petty bitch or insensitive asshole, petty bitch or insensitive asshole, petty bitch or insensitive asshole — does it have to be one or the other, ALD?

Your dad bonded with your ex while you were married and didn't regard the divorce as your ex's fault. Perhaps your dad took your ex's side because he couldn't see that the divorce wasn't entirely your fault, either. You were a victim too, ALD — victimized by the homophobia you had internalized. The homophobic culture that rendered you incapable of recognizing that you were a lesbian before you dragged your ex into a doomed marriage is ultimately to blame — that doesn't mean you bear no responsibility — and if your dad couldn't see that at the time and was insensitive, then, yeah, he owes you an apology.

But you brought your ex into your dad's life, your dad bonded with him as a son-in-law, and it's unfair of you to demand that your dad cut all ties to your ex. That's controlling, irrational behavior — aka petty bitchery — and you should apologize to your dad for it.

You have a right to your feelings, of course, and if your dad's relationship with your ex makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable. In this era of divorce, remarriage and blended families, rest assured that you're not the only person in the world with an ex who's still, for better or worse, part of the family.

Find the Savage Lovecast (Dan Savage's weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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