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  • The Ypsilanti mystery pooper saga continues

    Ypsilanti police are still searching for the person dubbed the “mystery pooper.” Someone has been, as the Associated Press politely puts it today, “soiling slides at an Ypislanti playground over the last six months.” So, of course, someone purchased an electronic billboard along I-94 near Huron St. at exit 183 that delivers multiple calls for action: For instance,”Help us flush the pooper.” The company that purchased the billboard, Adams Outdoor Advertising, knows how to reach the world in the 21st Century, branding each billboard with a hashtag for the public utilize in its efforts: #ypsipooper. WJBK-TV says the billboard also toggles through other rich lines, such as: “Do your civic doody, report the pooper #YPSIPOOPER” “Help us catch the poopetrator #YPSIPOOPER.” You can have the runs, but you can’t hide. They’re still looking for you, Mystery Pooper.

    The post The Ypsilanti mystery pooper saga continues appeared first on Metro Times Blogs.

  • City Slang: DJ AvA, Chuck Flask & Keith Kemp preview Movement at Urban Bean Co.

    It’s a really, very cool idea. Paxahau, the good people behind the Movement Electronic Music Festival, are hosting a series of warm-up events, or previews, to the big festival which takes place Memorial Day weekend. On Thursday evening, Movement moved into the Urban Coffee Bean on Grand River in Detroit. While Dj AvA and Chuck Flask & Keith Kemp ably worked the decks, the regular coffee shop goings on continued behind them. It made for an interesting and amusing webcast experience – one guy was taking a nap on camera, while others supped coffee and tappd their feet. It should come as no surprise – the Urban Coffee Co. people have always been big supporters of electronic music. The place includes a DJ stand, and co-owner Josh Greenwood encourages customers to bring their own vinyl and spin on the open turntables. Not on Thursday night though. This being a coffee shop, and it not being particularly late at night, the music remained pretty chill throughout. DJ AvA (real name Heather McGuigan) includes Beth Orton, Madonna, the B-52’s, Daftpunk and David Byrne among her list of influences, so you know that she’s capable of both whipping up a storm and also […]

    The post City Slang: DJ AvA, Chuck Flask & Keith Kemp preview Movement at Urban Bean Co. appeared first on Metro Times Blogs.

  • Here is why landlords could do well in Wayne County

    CNN has a message to all prospective landlords: Head to Wayne County! Occupancy and rental rates are increasing, the report says, creating an opportunity for serious returns on investments. In fact, after comparing the median sales price of homes to average monthly rents in nearly 1,600 counties, RealtyTrac found that Detroit’s Wayne County offers landlords the best return on their investment in the nation. Investors who buy homes in the metro area can expect a 30% gross annual return from rents. That’s triple the national average of 10%. RealtyTrac, an online real estate information company, says the county offers investors low prices for larger homes — with a median price of $45,000. “We’ve got some steals here,” said Rachel Saltmarshall, a real estate agent and immediate past president of the Detroit Association of Realtors, told CNN. “There’s a six-bedroom, 6,000 square-foot home in a historic district selling for $65,000.” For more, read the entire report here.

    The post Here is why landlords could do well in Wayne County appeared first on Metro Times Blogs.

  • The Record Store Day Guide for metro Detroit

    This Saturday, audiophiles across the world will venture out to their favorite independent record stores in search of limited releases that quickly become collectors items. The third Saturday of April marks the fairly new international holiday Record Store Day. There are certainly dos and don’ts to know for RSD — like where to shop, and how to shop. That’s right, there is an etiquette to shopping on Record Store Day and violating that code makes you look like a real asshole. In my experience of celebrating Record Store Day, I’ve seen stores use a few different tactics as far as stocking the special releases. Some establishments will set up a table, somewhere in the store, where a few shoppers at a time can flip through records in a calm and contained manner. Other places will have a similar setup, with all the releases at a table, but shoppers ask the store employees for the releases they want. It’s like a record nerd stock exchange. This process gets loud, slightly confusing and incredibly annoying — this is where elbows start getting thrown. Then, there are places that put the releases on the shelves, usually categorized by size — twelve inches with the twelve inches, seven inches with the seven inches and […]

    The post The Record Store Day Guide for metro Detroit appeared first on Metro Times Blogs.

  • City Slang: DEMF 2014 canceled

    The Detroit Electronic Music Festival, which was supposed to be making a triumphant return this year, has been canceled. A statement on the website says that the festival will be back in 2015. Back in November, Ford Field hosted an announcement party for DEMF, where it was revealed that a new DEMF festival would take place at Campus Martius Park in Detroit over the July 4th weekend. “I’m proud to be involved in the biggest and best electronic music festival in the world,” said Juan Atkins. “The future’s here. This is techno scene.” Not the immediate future, apparently. The DEMF people claim that the M-1 rail construction is partially to blame for the cancellation/12-month-postponement. Read the full statement here. Follow @City_Slang

    The post City Slang: DEMF 2014 canceled appeared first on Metro Times Blogs.

  • Metro Times wins heavy at the SPJ Awards

    Despite a turbulent 2013 which saw Metro Times change owners, move buildings and change editors twice, we picked up eight awards at the Society of Professional Journalists Awards on Wednesday night. The big winner was Robert Nixon, design manager, who picked up a first place for “Feature Page Design (Class A)” for our Josh Malerman cover story, first for “Cover Design (Class A)” for our Halloween issue (alongside illustrator John Dunivant), and a second in that same category for our annual Lust issue. In the news categories, our esteemed former news editor and current contributing writer Curt Guyette won third in “General News Reporting” and third in “Best Consumer/Watchdog” – both Class A – for the Fairground Zero and Petcoke Series respectively. Music & Culture Editor Brett Callwood placed third for his Josh Malerman cover story in the “Best Personality Profile (Class A)” category, and former editor Bryan Gottlieb picked up a couple of Class C awards for “Editorial Writing” and “Headline Writing” (third and second, respectively). We were also pleased to learn that our investigative reporter Ryan Felton won first place and an honorable mention for work published while at the Oakland Press. The MT ship is steady now, […]

    The post Metro Times wins heavy at the SPJ Awards appeared first on Metro Times Blogs.

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Savage Love

Snappy answers

Dan fields questions that range from good to bad to stupid

I spoke at Pacific University in Forest Grove, Ore., last Thursday night. PU students submitted a lot more questions — anonymous, on 3-by-5-inch cards — than I could possibly answer in the 90 minutes we had together. So I'm going to use this week's column to answer some of the PU questions I didn't get to. Here we go:

Q: What is the biggest barrier to the acceptance of gay marriage in the U.S.?

A: There are two big barriers.

First: all those loud, aggressive and hypocritical right-wing "Christian" shitsticks who oppose marriage equality because of some supposedly anti-gay bullshit they read in the Bible while ignoring everything in the very same Bible that limits their own sexual freedoms — you know, all those motherfuckers who masturbate, fornicate, divorce and remarry, and then turn around and oppose same-sex marriage because it "goes against their religion."

Second: all those quiet, timid and cowardly NALT Christians out there who support marriage equality but have allowed their conservative coreligionists to hijack Christianity. ("NALT" stands for "not all like that," the phrase you hear from liberal Christians whenever you bitch about conservative Christians, i.e., "We're not all like that!" Yes, yes, NALTs — we know. You're not all like that. Don't tell us. Tell Tony Perkins, tell the pope, tell Maggie Gallagher et al.)


Q:
Do you have advice about a breakup?

A: Thinking about breaking up with someone? Don't draw it out — nothing is worse than the humiliating realization, some days after you've been dumped, that the person who dumped you wanted out of the relationship weeks or months earlier.

Just been broken up with? Cry, eat, delete (phone numbers, e-mail, texts, sexts), defriend, hit the gym, hit on someone else just as soon as you're able. Or sooner.


Q:
If you were an animal, what animal would you be?

A: I'm an animal already — I'm a primate, like you. If I had to be some other kind of animal, well, I would want to be either a tapeworm living in my husband's gut or a particularly lethal bacteria that had just been inhaled by Glenn Beck.


Q:
What is your opinion of straight women participating in No Shave November?

A: I know nothing about No Shave November — but I'm an American, and we don't let ignorance stop us from forming opinions. So I wholeheartedly endorse No Shave November, its mission, and women's participation in it.


Q:
What is your response to people who say that being gay is a choice?

A: "You think being gay is a choice? Then choose it: Suck my dick. Show me how it's done. You choose it — suck my dick — right now, and I'll videotape it, and then we'll put the proof that being gay is a choice on the Internet for the whole world to see. Deal?"


Q:
Do cooling and warming lubes just burn for everyone? Or is there something wrong with me? Why are they advertised as being so awesome?

A: I'm not sure why they're suddenly marketing hot-and-cool lubes to breeders so aggressively. But straight folks should know that gay people were using these lubes 40 years ago. They were called "hot lubes" back then, and gay people quickly realized that there wasn't anything interesting or sexy or awesome about a burning hole.


Q:
What's the most effective method for getting santorum out of the sheets?

A: An ounce of prevention — or the careful placement of a towel — is worth a pound of Spray 'n Wash Stain Stick. If putting down a towel, or taking time to douche, is too much for you, fuck on the floor or get brown sheets.


Q:
I had a traumatic experience my freshman year that scarred me to the point that I did not want my boyfriend to be even a little dominant. Now, three years later, I am ready to take on a submissive role. How do I get my boyfriend to accept a submissive me?

A: Thank the boyfriend for being the not-even-a-little-dom partner you needed while you healed. Then tell him that, thanks in large part to him, you're secure enough to start mixing it up and you want to explore consensual, erotic submission. Then offer him your erotic submission — in whatever form it turns you on — without asking him to play an overtly dominant role. Then, when he sees that you're not going to shatter, or that you're really sure about this and that it really turns you on, he can grow into a more overtly dominant role.


Q:
What should I do if it is too big to get in without hurting? Lube is not an option!

A: If it hurts going in and lube is not an option, then I have a one-word answer for you. And it's not what you should do when someone stuffs a big dick into you and lube isn't an option for some mysterious reason, but what you're gonna do when someone stuffs a big dick into you and lube isn't an option for some mysterious reason: suffer.


Q:
Is college really the best place to meet the love of your life? And if not, then what do you do in the meantime?

A: Some people do meet the loves of their lives at college. But you won't know if you're one of those people until you're well out of college. So hook up with hope.


Q:
How important do you think sexual chemistry and compatibility are in a long-term relationship?

A: Sexual chemistry and compatibility are only as important as sexual exclusivity and satisfaction are. If the latter doesn't matter, then former is irrelevant. And for the record: Companionate marriage — the union of two individuals who sincerely love each other but who don't fuck (or don't fuck each other) because they have no sexual chemistry and compatibility (at least with each other) — can be wonderful. There are lots of happy, healthy companionate marriages out there — indeed, it's a "lifestyle option" that rarely gets the recognition or credit it deserves.


Q:
Do you think polyamory is possible or healthy?

A: Polyamorous relationships are possible — I know for a fact that they're possible — but they're only as healthy as the folks who are in them. The same goes for monogamous relationships.


Thanks to Kayla, Chris, Lisa, Nancy and everybody else at Pacific University who brought me in!

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