Secret service

Q:

 My husband is a very kinky submissive man. When we were dating, I found out that he had been talking to multiple people online and that he had met up with a professional dom a couple of times. I felt betrayed that he had done this all behind my back, even though I had told him that I would be down with him seeing a dom. (I even offered to buy him a session for his birthday!)

We got through it, and now our sex life is amazing. I tie him up, I lock his dick up, I dress him up. All I ask in return is that he be honest with me about who he's talking with online. Is that unreasonable? I know he chats with "women" online as a "woman," and I'm OK with that so long as I'm made aware of it. But today I found pictures on his phone of his cock in the chastity device I keep him in. He tried to lie but he came clean: He was chatting with a woman, it came out that he was a man, and she wanted to see pictures of his cock in his chastity belt.

Why lie? Honest to God, if he would have just told me the day he sent the pictures that he sent someone pictures of his cock, I would be OK with it! I also found another e-mail account he never told me about that he's using when he chats online as a woman. Again, no big deal! But I was under the impression that he used just this one chat program for chatting! Why hide it? My vanilla friends will be no help in this matter, and I feel pretty heartbroken. So I'm asking you. —He Isn't Telling Me Everything

A:

 Before I can respond to your question, HITME, I've gotta sacrifice a goat to the snooping-is-always-wrong gods, or the snooping-is-always-wrong jihadists will cut my head off. It'll just take a sec: Snooping is always wrong! You invaded your husband's privacy! That was wrong! Wrong!

Moving on ...

Your husband hit the jackpot when he met you, HITME. There aren't a lot of women out there who would embrace — much less marry — a man with his particular collection of kinks. You've been GGG and all you've asked in return is ... total transparency and the immediate, real-time disclosure of all outside flirtations and contacts as they happen. Why can't the kinky ingrate honor this agreement? Only he knows the answer to that question, HITME, but I suspect one of two issues is at play ...

Your husband may be ashamed — he may have been brutally shamed in past relationships — about the extent of his kinks and about just how much of his time and erotic energy his kinks consume. You may be completely sincere when you tell him you're OK with everything, HITME, so long as there's immediate and full disclosure. But he may fear that sharing the full extent of his online activities will leave you feeling either squicked out or threatened. So he downplays and minimizes, disclosing some but not all, because he doesn't want to lose you. If this is the issue, impress upon your husband that hiding shit from you represents a bigger threat to his marriage than full disclosure ever could.

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