Published: March 27, 2013
Here’s hoping your dick surprises you, MDMA.
I’m a 23-year-old bi female from Vancouver, British Columbia, and I’ve been heavily sub-identified since I started having sex nine years ago. (Don’t worry — the age of consent was 14 then!) But lately, with the helpful guidance of my lovely boyfriend, I’ve been realizing I have a very pronounced Dom streak. Do you have any pointers on starting out? I read The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, and it was helpful, but I was wondering if you had any tips. I’m pretty uncomfortable topping my boyfriend — he’s always been the top, and I’m nervous about doing it wrong. —Another Novice Top
Give yourself permission to do it “wrong,” ANT. I don’t mean “wrong” in the accidentally-injure-or-kill-the-boyfriend sense of doing BDSM wrong. I mean “wrong” in the go-your-own-way sense. You’ll be less nervous about topping if you relax and give yourself permission to be yourself, i.e., nervous and inexperienced, a little awkward in your new role. Remember: You don’t have to be the perfect snarling dominatrix the very first time you pick up a crop. You don’t have to be a snarling dominatrix ever, ANT, if that’s not who you want to be. Check out the wonderful Beyond the Valley of the FemDoms — beyondthevalleyofthefemdoms.tumblr.com — for some insight on being your own dominant woman, not some FemDom porn cliché. Good luck!
Find Dan Savage’s weekly podcast every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. Reach him at email@example.com or @fakedansavage on Twitter.
> Email Dan Savage