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  • The Ypsilanti mystery pooper saga continues

    Ypsilanti police are still searching for the person dubbed the “mystery pooper.” Someone has been, as the Associated Press politely puts it today, “soiling slides at an Ypislanti playground over the last six months.” So, of course, someone purchased an electronic billboard along I-94 near Huron St. at exit 183 that delivers multiple calls for action: For instance,”Help us flush the pooper.” The company that purchased the billboard, Adams Outdoor Advertising, knows how to reach the world in the 21st Century, branding each billboard with a hashtag for the public utilize in its efforts: #ypsipooper. WJBK-TV says the billboard also toggles through other rich lines, such as: “Do your civic doody, report the pooper #YPSIPOOPER” Also, “Help us catch the poopetrator #YPSIPOOPER.” Because you can have the runs, you can’t hide. They’re still looking for you, Mystery Pooper.

    The post The Ypsilanti mystery pooper saga continues appeared first on Metro Times Blogs.

  • City Slang: DJ AvA, Chuck Flask & Keith Kemp preview Movement at Urban Bean Co.

    It’s a really, very cool idea. Paxahau, the good people behind the Movement Electronic Music Festival, are hosting a series of warm-up events, or previews, to the big festival which takes place Memorial Day weekend. On Thursday evening, Movement moved into the Urban Coffee Bean on Grand River in Detroit. While Dj AvA and Chuck Flask & Keith Kemp ably worked the decks, the regular coffee shop goings on continued behind them. It made for an interesting and amusing webcast experience – one guy was taking a nap on camera, while others supped coffee and tappd their feet. It should come as no surprise – the Urban Coffee Co. people have always been big supporters of electronic music. The place includes a DJ stand, and co-owner Josh Greenwood encourages customers to bring their own vinyl and spin on the open turntables. Not on Thursday night though. This being a coffee shop, and it not being particularly late at night, the music remained pretty chill throughout. DJ AvA (real name Heather McGuigan) includes Beth Orton, Madonna, the B-52’s, Daftpunk and David Byrne among her list of influences, so you know that she’s capable of both whipping up a storm and also […]

    The post City Slang: DJ AvA, Chuck Flask & Keith Kemp preview Movement at Urban Bean Co. appeared first on Metro Times Blogs.

  • Here is why landlords could do well in Wayne County

    CNN has a message to all prospective landlords: Head to Wayne County! Occupancy and rental rates are increasing, the report says, creating an opportunity for serious returns on investments. In fact, after comparing the median sales price of homes to average monthly rents in nearly 1,600 counties, RealtyTrac found that Detroit’s Wayne County offers landlords the best return on their investment in the nation. Investors who buy homes in the metro area can expect a 30% gross annual return from rents. That’s triple the national average of 10%. RealtyTrac, an online real estate information company, says the county offers investors low prices for larger homes — with a median price of $45,000. “We’ve got some steals here,” said Rachel Saltmarshall, a real estate agent and immediate past president of the Detroit Association of Realtors, told CNN. “There’s a six-bedroom, 6,000 square-foot home in a historic district selling for $65,000.” For more, read the entire report here.

    The post Here is why landlords could do well in Wayne County appeared first on Metro Times Blogs.

  • The Record Store Day Guide for metro Detroit

    This Saturday, audiophiles across the world will venture out to their favorite independent record stores in search of limited releases that quickly become collectors items. The third Saturday of April marks the fairly new international holiday Record Store Day. There are certainly dos and don’ts to know for RSD — like where to shop, and how to shop. That’s right, there is an etiquette to shopping on Record Store Day and violating that code makes you look like a real asshole. In my experience of celebrating Record Store Day, I’ve seen stores use a few different tactics as far as stocking the special releases. Some establishments will set up a table, somewhere in the store, where a few shoppers at a time can flip through records in a calm and contained manner. Other places will have a similar setup, with all the releases at a table, but shoppers ask the store employees for the releases they want. It’s like a record nerd stock exchange. This process gets loud, slightly confusing and incredibly annoying — this is where elbows start getting thrown. Then, there are places that put the releases on the shelves, usually categorized by size — twelve inches with the twelve inches, seven inches with the seven inches and […]

    The post The Record Store Day Guide for metro Detroit appeared first on Metro Times Blogs.

  • City Slang: DEMF 2014 canceled

    The Detroit Electronic Music Festival, which was supposed to be making a triumphant return this year, has been canceled. A statement on the website says that the festival will be back in 2015. Back in November, Ford Field hosted an announcement party for DEMF, where it was revealed that a new DEMF festival would take place at Campus Martius Park in Detroit over the July 4th weekend. “I’m proud to be involved in the biggest and best electronic music festival in the world,” said Juan Atkins. “The future’s here. This is techno scene.” Not the immediate future, apparently. The DEMF people claim that the M-1 rail construction is partially to blame for the cancellation/12-month-postponement. Read the full statement here. Follow @City_Slang

    The post City Slang: DEMF 2014 canceled appeared first on Metro Times Blogs.

  • Metro Times wins heavy at the SPJ Awards

    Despite a turbulent 2013 which saw Metro Times change owners, move buildings and change editors twice, we picked up eight awards at the Society of Professional Journalists Awards on Wednesday night. The big winner was Robert Nixon, design manager, who picked up a first place for “Feature Page Design (Class A)” for our Josh Malerman cover story, first for “Cover Design (Class A)” for our Halloween issue (alongside illustrator John Dunivant), and a second in that same category for our annual Lust issue. In the news categories, our esteemed former news editor and current contributing writer Curt Guyette won third in “General News Reporting” and third in “Best Consumer/Watchdog” – both Class A – for the Fairground Zero and Petcoke Series respectively. Music & Culture Editor Brett Callwood placed third for his Josh Malerman cover story in the “Best Personality Profile (Class A)” category, and former editor Bryan Gottlieb picked up a couple of Class C awards for “Editorial Writing” and “Headline Writing” (third and second, respectively). We were also pleased to learn that our investigative reporter Ryan Felton won first place and an honorable mention for work published while at the Oakland Press. The MT ship is steady now, […]

    The post Metro Times wins heavy at the SPJ Awards appeared first on Metro Times Blogs.

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Savage Love

Opening up

The plain truth about nonmonogamy

Q: My husband and I recently realized that, in order for us to remain happily married, we need to fuck other people.

Enter the boyfriend. This 20-year-old hunk has opened the sexual floodgates. He's gorgeous and athletic and enthusiastic, he gets me off at least twice every time we get together, and tales of our exploits have made things even hotter between my husband and me. Everybody's happy!

So what's the problem? Well, after two months of dating and numerous sexual encounters, my new lover has yet to get an erection. I know he's been able to get it up with previous partners, so I suspect this has something to do with our situation. Maybe there's a subconscious part of his brain that doesn't want to bone a married woman? I've made it clear to him that there is no pressure and that I am more than satisfied. He insists that he is very attracted to me and that our current activities (lots of oral and hands everywhere) are incredibly satisfying.

Am I missing something, Dan? How can I coax this young man's erection out of hiding? —Nouveau Mrs. Robinson

A: Before I get to your question, NMR, I need to address the recent Arnold Schwarzenegger unpleasantness.

I'm getting a lot of mail from people insisting that it's all my fault. The affair, the love child, the split with Maria Shriver — I'm apparently to blame for everything, save Arnold's oldest son's slammin', nearly legal bod (tinyurl.com/3zsdmjf). This is the case because 1) I'm a big proponent of nonmonogamous or monogamish relationships and 2) aging Hollywood action stars don't get erections without checking in with me first. And look where the nonmonogamy stuff I'm always pushing got Arnold! Look at the chaos that nonmonogamy creates! Failed marriages! Devastated children! Scandalous scandals!

In my defense, ladies and gentlemen of the angry e-mob, I would point out that Arnold wasn't in a nonmonogamous relationship. Arnold was in a monogamous relationship. Arnold failed at monogamy. He did not succeed at nonmonogamy. If there is a lesson to be drawn from the Schwarzenegger unpleasantness, it's not that honest nonmonogamy never works. Rather, it is the critical importance — particularly during adulterous heterosexual encounters — of anal intercourse.

And please bear in mind, e-mobsters, that you rarely hear about honest nonmonogamous relationships that work, to say nothing of marriages like Mr. and Mrs. NMR's, i.e., marriages that were saved by nonmonogamy. Successfully nonmonogamous straight couples typically aren't out to their friends, families and co-workers. We tend to learn that someone we know is in a nonmonogamous relationship when it implodes and people — both inside and outside the relationship — cast around, looking for something or someone to blame. If the couple was nonmonogamous, nonmonogamy gets the blame, even if it had nothing to do with the breakup.

On to your problem, NMR ...

What a delightful problem to have! A gorgeous, athletic and enthusiastic hunk with a hard dick is better than a gorgeous, athletic, and enthusiastic hunk with a soft dick, I'll grant you. But better a gorgeous, athletic and enthusiastic hunk with a soft dick than no gorgeous, athletic and enthusiastic hunk at all, amirite?

And while I can't tell you exactly what's wrong with your hunk's dick — it could very well be the infamous limpothalamus (that would be the part of the brain that doesn't want to bone a married woman; most men don't have one) — I can tell you that you're doing everything right. You're not pressuring him, you're taking pleasure in him regardless, and you're not neglecting your husband. And if your hunk was getting it up for his previous partners, it's only a matter of time before he's getting it up for you.

But was he getting it up for his previous partners? Unless you've seen some video — and that's video we'd all like to see — all we have to go on is his word, NMR, and he could be lying. Young hunks with erectile problems, too embarrassed or ashamed to admit they have a problem, will sometimes lie to their partners and refuse to speak to doctors. But your hunk has someone older and wiser telling him what to do, NMR, and you're going to tell him to talk with a doctor.


Q:
Is it better to stay with your overweight wife — who happens to be the mother of your infant daughter — and cheat on her to get sexual gratification (and be a shit of a husband) or leave her (and be a shit of a father)? —Almost Twice The Wife

A: Cheating shit or leaving shit — are those your only options?

If they are, ATTW, then stay and cheat. Abandoning an infant — to say nothing of abandoning someone with an infant — is a shit move. So is cheating on the mother of your infant daughter, of course, but it's slightly less shitty.

Here's another option: You could go without for six months or a year — you know, like most new parents.

Backing way up: You were presumably attracted to your wife before the baby ... otherwise there would be no baby, right? And presumably, the mother of your infant daughter is going without right now too, as she's probably too exhausted to bother with sex. Because she just had a baby. She also may not be feeling it for her asshole husband, a man who she senses doesn't find her attractive in her current state — a state he helped put her in.

Take a little responsibility here, ATTW: You knocked the wife up knowing that pregnancy and its tragic aftermath, aka "parenting," leave new moms with very little time for the gym. If you expected your wife to bounce back to her pre-baby weight in 10 weeks, like some sort of celebrity mom, then you needed to get her two nannies, a personal trainer and a full-time nutritionist.

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