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Savage Love

Just the two of us?

Sometimes monogamy just isn't enough

By Dan Savage

Published: December 29, 2010

What should my friend do? He would like to have sex with the "notboyfriend" since it was awesome the first run. —Concerned Lesbian

A: It's possible that your friend's notboyfriend seroconverted sometime after their fuck-buddy arrangement expired and before they started dating, and the notboyfriend wants to disclose his new HIV status before they start fucking again and is having a hard time working up the nerve.

Or it could be that your friend's notboyfriend isn't into your friend sexually but depends on his emotional support and doesn't want to have to share him, or compete for his nonsexual attentions, with a real, live, honest-to-God boyfriend.

Here's what your friend should do: Tell the notboyfriend that, while he values the emotional intimacy they share, he's looking for sexual intimacy too. If there's some reason why they're not fucking, he wants to know what it is. If there's no reason, he wants to start fucking. Your friend needs to make it clear that there will be no "exclusivity" — and no more "notdating" — until they're notnotfucking.

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