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Savage Love

It's complicated

Why I must be in charge everywhere but the bedroom

By Dan Savage

Published: January 5, 2011

A: I get lots of letters from women — and some from men — complaining about "too tired for sex" partners sneaking off to watch porn. I had to read your letter twice to make sure I wasn't seeing things: Your partner used to claim he was too tired for sex, which presumably bummed you out, but now that he's watching a little porn, you're having a lot more sex ... and you're still bummed out?

He's using porn to get his juices flowing, BBP, and those juices are ultimately flowing into you. Perhaps you should be grateful to porn for the way it's improved your sex life.


Q: I'm a straight male who skipped the sleeping-around phase and went straight to long-term boyfriend. Now in my 30s, I find myself wanting to make up for lost time. I've talked to my girlfriend of eight years about threesomes, arrangements, swinging — anything to sleep with other women and still hold on to my relationship. My girlfriend says that her sexually adventurous days are behind her. She has a low sex drive and doesn't want to waste what little she has on other people.

I'm stuck: Part of me thinks I can't be happy sexually having never had a sexually adventurous phase, and part of me fears that I'm giving up a loving relationship for what others tell me isn't a big deal anyway. —Stuck

A: You break up.

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