Q:

 Thank you for your advocacy of monogamishy. (Monogamishness?) When I fell in love with my gloriously kinky and GGG wife several years ago, we were honest about our sexual desires — vast and wide-ranging — and we negotiated an arrangement that works for us. We encourage each other's outside crushes, and we both just want to be present while one of us is banging that outside crush. Your column gave us the tools we needed to talk with other potentially kinky folks. Thanks!

Anyway, on to our question: When one is staying at a hotel, what is the protocol for engaging in sheet-staining activities? For example, if a session might spread santorum, menstrual blood, female ejaculate, etc., all over the sheets, what to do? Is it better to cover the bed in towels and stain them instead? Are dirty sheets all in a day's work for the housekeeper, or should we refrain from such activities in hotel rooms? We don't want to make the housekeeping staff miserable — and we always leave a tip for the maid! — but we don't want to refrain from sex just because my wife is on her period! —Sheets Tarnished After Intense Nooky

A:

 You're welcome for monogamishamy — the correct noun form of the adjective monogamish — and I'm delighted that it's helped you and the wife negotiate successful encounters with "outside crushes,” STAIN, and I trust that you and the wife strive to make sure those encounters are as rewarding for the crushes as they are for you two.

Now, about those sheets ...

If you've booked a hotel room, STAIN, and it's shark week for the wife or a certain former senator routinely drops in (drops out?) when you have anal sex, there's always the option of bringing your own towels from home that may already have santorum- or menstruation-related stains or be of a color to disguise menstrual discharge.

But let's say you don't want to bring towels from home — which is an admittedly anal-in-the-other-sense-of-anal thing to do. Should you lay the hotel's towels down on the bed or mess up the sheets?

"Mess up the sheets, please,” said the head of housekeeping at the hotel where I happened to be staying when your question arrived. (HOH agreed to speak to me on the condition that I not name her, the hotel where she works, or even the city where it's located.) "We bleach the holy heck out of those sheets,” HOH continued. "And it is easier to get stains out of sheets than towels. And sheets cost less to replace — at least ours do.”

Anything else someone should do if they've made a mess of the sheets?

"If you want to be a total sweetheart,” said HOH, "strip the bed. Pull the sheets off and leave them balled up on the floor. All the ladies know what that means, and I promise you that no one goes poking in sheets left on the floor. They toss that ball in the cart and send it straight to the laundry.”

Where they bleach the hell (and blood and santorum) out of 'em.

Finally, STAIN, thanks for mentioning that you always leave a tip for the maid. It made me feel less alone — I always leave a tip for the maid too — and it gives me the opportunity to encourage others to do the same. Anyone who can afford a night or two in a hotel — on business, on vacation, on someone else's wife — can afford to leave a few bucks for the maid.

Q:

 I'm a 25-year-old straight man. One of my best buddies is gay, and I'm in gay bars with him twice a week or so. (We like to drink!) My question: What's the correct response when I get hit on by men in gay bars? If a guy comes on strong, I kind of feel bad saying, "I'm straight.” Because I don't want him to think I'm saying, "You're disgusting.” So what's the etiquette for a straight guy in a gay bar? Is it wrong to say you have a boyfriend instead of just saying you're straight? —Not Overly Concerned Lost Useless Entity

A:

 Guys who either don't have boyfriends or do have boyfriends but are in monogamish relationships will frequently say, "I have a boyfriend” to get rid of a guy at a bar who they don't find attractive. So be honest, NOCLUE. Finding out he never had a shot at you because you're straight will be easier on a guy's ego than having to wonder what it is you and your imaginary boyfriend didn't find attractive about him.

Now, some gay dudes will be annoyed when they discover that the guy they've invested 10 whole minutes in eye-fucking isn't gay, but most will welcome your presence as proof that — forgive me — it gets better. Straight dudes hanging out in gay bars with their gay friends? Straight dudes who are secure enough in their own sexuality that they're comfortable with being viewed as a sex object by other men? Sure signs of progress, NOCLUE. That some gay dudes will have to waste a few precious minutes of their lives flirting with men they can't suckfuckrimdatemarry is a small price to pay to be reminded that we live in a less homophobic world.

Q:

 I have a super-hot, considerate, caring girlfriend with a high libido with whom I share many long-term goals. The problem is that she bugs the shit out of me. She chews with her mouth open, she listens to music I dislike, and she swears at inappropriate times. I'm in my mid-30s and not sure what I should do. Settle? —Second Thoughts

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