When going outside monogamy, you should always tell the truth
Published: August 31, 2011
I'm in a bad place. I have been in a monogamous marriage for 19 years and have two kids. At least I think we're still monogamous. My husband is an avid reader of your column and loves to bring up the idea that it is perfectly normal to have outside sexual relationships with other people as long as you stay committed to your spouse.
Here's the thing: We started our marriage saying that we would always be truthful and faithful to each other. He has changed and I haven't. I'm GGG, he probably gets more blow jobs than most married men, and I love having sex with him. He is far less likely to initiate sex than I am (which makes me think he is spending time with someone else). If one partner decides that they need outside activity, regardless of how much sex they get at home, is it OK to go ahead and do that without informing the partner to whom they had previously made a monogamous commitment? He thinks if my needs are being met, then I have nothing to complain about. My main need is for honesty, and it doesn't feel like that need is being met.
When I ask him if he is having affairs, he gets angry and accuses me of being insecure and immature. (I would like to know if I'm at risk of getting a sexually transmitted infection.) He says you agree with him that it is OK to lie if the other person has their needs met and doesn't find out. I am at my wit's end and am deeply unhappy and think about leaving him, but I don't want to end a relationship that works in so many other ways. —Lonely At Home
Before I can answer your question, LAH, give me a second to spit out all the words your husband has stuffed into my mouth.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhcckk — p'toooo.
OK, LAH, here's a little something I recently wrote that sums up my position on outside sexual relationships: "Cheating is permissible when it amounts to the least worst option, i.e., it is allowed for someone who has made a monogamous commitment and isn't getting any at home (sick or disabled spouse, or withholding-without-cause spouse) and divorce isn't an option (sick or disabled spouse, or withholding-without-cause-spouse-who-can't-be-divorced-for-some-karma-imperiling-reason-or-other) and the sex on the side makes it possible for the cheater to stay married and stay sane. (An exception can be made for a married person with a kink that his or her spouse can't or won't accommodate, so long as the kink can be taken care of safely and discreetly.)"
As you are not sick, disabled or withholding without cause, LAH, and as your husband doesn't have a kink that he's outsourcing to spare you, please tell your husband on my behalf that I think he's a cheating piece of shit, a word-stuffing douche bag, and an emotionally abusive asshole. Mr. LAH may read my column avidly, but his behavior and lame rationalizations indicate that he's also reading it selectively. If your husband walked into my office, LAH, I would be tempted to slap him with my laptop.
It is, of course, perfectly normal for people who've made monogamous commitments to want to have outside sexual relationships. It's perfectly normal to daydream about fucking other people, to masturbate to thoughts of fucking other people, to check out other people who you would be fucking if 1) you weren't in a monogamous relationship, and 2) they wanted to fuck you. And it's perfectly ridiculous the way people make themselves miserable scrutinizing their partners for evidence that they want to fuck other people. (Jealous types, please note: Your partner sometimes thinks about fucking other people, just as you sometimes think about fucking other people. Going ballistic over a little discreet and considerate porn use or meaningless flirting is an idiotic waste of your time, it's unfair to your partner, and I consider it grounds for DTMFA'ing your ass.)
That said, LAH, it is perfectly obnoxious to go ahead and fuck other people in violation of a monogamous commitment unless you have grounds. And while it doesn't sound like your husband has grounds, it certainly sounds like he's fucking other people. I suspect that your husband is fucking someone you know — a co-worker, a neighbor, a friend, a relative (shudder) — and, realizing that it's only a matter of time before you find out, he's bullying you into retroactively giving him permission to fuck other people and unfairly dragging me into it.
In your shoes, LAH, I'd be thinking about DTMFA. Not because of the cheating — monogamy isn't important to me — but because of the lying and the bullying.
I grew up masturbating in the digital age. So in any given week, I get off on "Wincest," hypnosis porn and erotic literature involving cat people. I'm also a young husband who's gone a few years past your recommended date for laying down his kink cards. I've been deliberating whether to out myself to my wife, but there's a rub: The last time she found out I had masturbated to someone other than her, she hit me. I cried and swore I would never look at porn again. Of course, I just became more careful about hiding it.
Is there a limit on the necessitated disclosure of my wet dreams? I don't have to tell her the one where I'm having sex with her best friend while she, having been turned into a dog, looks on stupidly, right? Can I settle for "I masturbate to women who aren't you"? —Wife Abusive, Not Kinky
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