Holiday grab bag
Host of queries, and an after-Christmas miracle
Published: December 26, 2012
Q: I just started an intense relationship with a guy who has a boyfriend. This guy and I love each other. However, he is uncomfortable with me meeting his boyfriend. I've asked if it's OK that we're fucking, and he said they're in an open relationship so it's OK. I asked if it's OK that we're in love, and he said yes. So why the secrecy? My lover's only explanation is that his boyfriend doesn't want to know about the guys he fucks around with. The whole situation is starting to make me uneasy. I can't figure out why I want to know more about his boyfriend. Is it so I can verify that he's not cheating, or that jealousy is an issue for them and that's why I can't meet him? I do know that I wish my lover would be more open with me. Should I just relax? —The Other Person
A: Monogamous couples have one rule about fucking other people — "don't fuck other people” — but nonmonogamous couples have all sorts of different rules, TOP, and sometimes a particular couple's particular rules make it hard for a third to verify that the partnered person he's sleeping with is, in fact, in an honest and healthy open relationship.
That said, most couples with a "don't want to know about the other people you're fucking” rule — and that's a pretty common rule — also have a rule against getting emotionally involved with the other people they're fucking. So if it's against the rules for the guy you're seeing to introduce his boy-on-the-side to his boyfriend, TOP, odds are good that swapping "I love yous” with his boy-on-the-side is against the rules too.
Someone is being lied to here. Either this guy is lying to you about being in an open relationship or he's lying to his boyfriend about not getting emotionally involved with the other guys he fucks. Whichever it is, TOP, I don't see a future for you with this guy — or much of a future for him and his boyfriend, frankly.
But to answer your question: No, TOP, don't relax. DTMFA.
Q: I'm a feminine, submissive dyke. My girlfriend is absolutely amazing, and our sex life is awesome and really kinky. The problem is two of my friends. I've formed a pretty tight trio with two hot, funny tops. I've got tiny, manageable crushes on them both. My girlfriend knows, but she's secure enough in our relationship that she isn't bothered by it. The problem? My friends are fucking each other. They're also in happy open relationships with other women. Sounds great, right? Even though they're great friends most of the time, they definitely leave me feeling like the third wheel once in a while. How can I gently remind them that, even though they're not sleeping with me, I'd like a little more platonic attention friendship-wise?
—Satisfied Under Butches
A: I suppose you could sit your friends down and say, "Hey, when you two move out of your friends-in-open-relationships-with-benefits honeymoon phase, I could use a little more friends-without-benefits attention.” But there's almost no way to say that without coming across like a jealous, controlling bag of dykenuts, SUB. So I would urge you to hang back and trust that this honeymoon phase, like all honeymoon phases, will eventually pass, and these two friends will have more time for you in the future.
In the meantime, fuck your girlfriend lots and hang out with other friends. And remember: When you're feeling like the third wheel, SUB, it's because you're probably functioning as the third wheel. While first and second wheels can make an effort to prevent thirds from feeling like the thirds they are, thirds that make a decision to roll elsewhere generally wind up feeling better.
Q: You are so fun! My hubby is 62 and I am 52. We are empty nesters now and we love it! We are experimenting sexually, but my blow jobs don't do it for him. I've watched videos, read articles, and finally bought some flavored lube. He loves having his balls licked while I jerk him off. But what can I do about my blow jobs? Any advice would be great! —Ho Ho Ho
A: My advice: Lick your hubby's balls while you jerk him off.
Your husband either can't get off from a blow job alone — and there are men out there who can't — or your blow jobs just don't do it for him. In the interest of marital harmony, HHH, let's give your blow jobs the benefit of the doubt and assume that your husband is one of those guys who can't be gotten off by blow job alone.
If you love sucking dick and your blow jobs are in no way traumatizing — if they don't leave your husband curled up on the floor sobbing — then go ahead and blow your husband. Telling him the blow jobs are for you, HHH, will take the pressure off him and — who knows? — he may relax and enjoy the blow job more. He might even get off.
Bonus pro tip: You know that flavored lubes don't do anything for the person being blown, right? They're for people who don't like the taste of dick, HHH, and it doesn't sound like you're one of those people. Until they come out with Chord Overstreet-flavored or Cheyenne Jackson-flavored lube, there's no reason you should be slathering your hubby's dick with artificial flavorings and aspartame.
Q: I'm a Canadian 25-year-old gay man in a four-year relationship with a 22-year-old. Over the course of our relationship, we've explored each other's kinks and been very understanding and GGG. The sex is amazing and varied. The problem: He has this fantasy that I'm having trouble pulling off. He wants me to piss in his ass. But peeing while erect is not my forte. I've tried, but I have to concentrate on peeing to actually go, and that just resulted in my going soft while I was inside him. By the time the urine was actually flowing, my dick was so soft that his sphincter was actually pinching my urethra closed, making it impossible for me to pee. He hasn't bottomed in a couple of years, since I realized how much I love it, so I'm assuming his tightness isn't helping. I just can't think of what more I can do to fulfill this fantasy for him. Do I need to just learn how to pee while erect or is there an easier way? I'm stumped and worried I won't be able to make this happen for him. —Dripping Out Urine Confounds His Enema
A: I'm going to assume that you two are in a committed relationship, that you've both been tested and have either no STIs or the same STIs, that neither of you is having unprotected sex with anyone else, that you rarely eat asparagus or beets, that you don't plan on doing this in front of your pets, etc.
OK, DOUCHE, I feel like Santa Claus right now because I have the perfect toy to put under your tree. (Your tree is still up, right?) Go to forttroff.com, click "Enter,” search "ass tunnel,” then watch the video demo. It's an after-Christmas miracle. (For the idiots in my readership, that link is NSFW. And, yes, I'm assuming DOUCHE and his BF celebrate Christmas. But only because all the piss-in-assers I've ever known were homeschooled Liberty University graduates.)
Happy holidays, everybody!
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