Savage Love
Her choice
How to find out if your boyfriend is merely troubled by abortion or a pro-life zealot
Published: October 10, 2012
It's important for your friend to bear in mind that her son, if he is indeed kinky, sought out kinky porn. Kinky porn didn't make him kinky. And being shamed by his mother for his porn preferences — or his kinks — isn't going to unmake his kinks.
That said, MFKS, your friend should talk with her son about the difference between porn and real sex — kinky or vanilla — and the difference between erotic power exchange and violence. She should also talk to him about safety and misogyny, and she should encourage him to be thoughtful about his sexuality. And most importantly, MFKS, she should emphasize the importance of meaningful and informed consent.
Your friend's son isn't going to want to dialogue with his mom about his porn stash or his kinks, MFKS, so she should go in prepared to monologue at him.
Finally, there's a chance that your friend's son isn't kinky and was just looking for the most appalling shit he could find on the Internet. Mom should acknowledge that as a possibility, and her son, even if he is kinky, is likely to seize on that excuse. If he does claim that he was just looking for shocking video clips, she should say: "I believe you. But there's a small chance that you're saying that because you think it's what I want to hear. So I'm going to say everything I wanted to say about safety, misogyny and consent just in case. And all of it applies to vanilla sex too."
> Email Dan Savage
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