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Savage Love

He's so shy

My submissive-leaning boyfriend can’t tell me how to dom him

By Dan Savage

Published: November 16, 2011

If you decide to give vaginal intercourse another shot, Chivers also recommends that you warm up with lots of oral sex, toys, masturbation and the other stuff you enjoy. That way you'll be "engorged, erect and lubricated, and subjectively turned on" before penetration.

Chivers also wonders if you've discovered your G-spot. "If she hasn't found her G-spot, finding it might be a watershed moment," says Chivers. "For some women, G-spot stim is associated with experiencing intense 'vaginal' orgasms and ejaculating." Finding the G-spot can be tricky, Chivers adds, and it's best to attempt it when you're very aroused. "Stimulate the anterior wall of the vagina (side nearest the belly button) about 5 centimeters in," says Chivers, by using a "come here" motion with the index finger.

And if you try all of that — or if you've already tried that — and it doesn't work?

"Perhaps it simply is the case that for her, like a substantial minority of women, vaginal penetration is not all that fulfilling," says Chivers. "If so, I would strongly recommend that she reinterpret her lack of interest in vaginal sex as a preference — one that is not uncommon — and not a malfunction."

"As for telling her partners," Chivers says, "I suppose it depends on the nature of the relationship and whether or not she's willing to be GGG and have vaginal sex to satisfy her partner, even though this may not be her first choice on the menu."

In other words, WTF, if penetration doesn't cause you emotional or physical distress — if it's something you can take or leave — tell a new partner early on about your strong preference for other forms of sex. Then indulge the dude in vaginal intercourse when you're up for it, or he's desperate for it, while incorporating lots of clitoral stimulation during the act.

Meredith Chivers tweets on sex and gender research, sociopolitical issues relating to sexual and gender minorities, and psych research in general. Follow Chivers — and learn from her — on Twitter @QSagelab. (And you can follow me at @fakedansavage.)

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