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Savage Love

Fifty Shades of annoyance

At 19 years of marriage, novel stirs up her libido, what about his?

By Dan Savage

Published: May 16, 2012

Whatever the cause, I've seen it happen again and again: A woman tosses aside a series of decent but somewhat kinky guys until she finds a guy whose sexual interests are "normal," e.g., missionary, doggy and no-hands-on-the-back-of-the-head oral. And that's the guy she marries. Then, 10 or 20 years later, she develops some "weird," "not normal," "probably gay" sexual interests of her own. Now she wants to spice things up, but — fuckadoodledoo — 20 years ago, she dumped a nice kinkster and married a total sexual dud instead.

So here's what you do: Get in a time machine and go tell your twentysomething self not to dump someone because he's kinky, WHIP, because one day you're going to come into your own kinks. And when that day comes, you'll want to be able to say something like this to your husband: "So, hey, you know how I've been jerking you off with my feet" or "letting you wear my panties" or "dressing up like Aquagirl and fucking your ass for the last 19 years? It's been a lot of fun, honey, and you know I love you and you know I love your kinks. But it's payback time. I just finished reading this book, and it really turned me on and now I wanna get canned and you're going to can me."

If you don't have access to a time machine, WHIP, tell your husband that while he may be happy with the way things are, you're not. Which means things have to change.

 

Confidential to the president of the United States of America: Thanks, man.

 

Find Dan Savage's weekly podcast every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. Send letters to mail@savagelove.net.

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