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Savage Love

Condom condemnation?

The pill is bad for her. He rejects rubbers. Can Dan help them?

Photo: , License: N/A


By Dan Savage

Published: July 25, 2012

A couple of questions: Do I reach out to him again? Did I overreact? —Left In The Lurch

 

A:

 I can understand why you were upset. You had already taken things to the "next level" in your heart — you were thinking of this guy as your boyfriend — you just hadn't gotten around to informing him about the upgrade. And you assumed that, when you did get around to letting him know, he would be delighted. Because he was the one who wanted a relationship at the beginning, right?

Unfortunately, LITL, he took you at your word when you said you weren't interested in a relationship. Keeping things "purely casual" with you meant he was free to pursue a relationship with someone else.

I can't help but wonder what he was about to say when you told him to get out. He met someone else, which wasn't a violation of your rules. Did that mean things were over between you two (which would make the timing of the last fuck an insult)? Or was he willing to pass on this other girl if you were ready for a relationship (which would make tossing him out before he could elaborate a mistake)? You probably should've heard him out.

Go ahead and reach out. Let him know that you were thinking about taking things to the next level — ughers to that phrase — before he told you about the other girl. You were starting to fall for him, you hoped he felt the same, and you were disappointed. But since he was only doing what you asked — keeping it casual — you can't fault him for keeping his options open, looking around, dating other girls, etc. And you can't fault him for failing to read your mind.

Close by telling him that you'd be open to dating — a real, noncasual relationship — if things don't work out with this other girl.

 

Find Dan Savage's weekly podcast every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. Send mail to mail@savagelove.net or @fakedansavage on Twitter.

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