Advice from a crush
Girl has the hots for Tegan and Sara; that's funny, because Dan happens to have Tegan right here
Published: August 15, 2012
A few practical suggestions: Get a butt plug. It's a butt toy that your sphincter muscles hold in place — picture a small lava lamp that fits in your ass — and once you get it in, BUMMED, it won't slip out. Provided your groupiefriends aren't touching your asshole or looking directly at it, they won't even know it's there. And a butt plug might help you break the strong mental association you've made between finger-in-hole and climaxing. A few dozen look-ma-no-finger-in-hole orgasms, courtesy of a butt plug, might help you transition to look-ma-nothing-in-my-hole orgasms.
Get a girlfriend. I'm not a noted proponent of monogamous coupling — go ahead and Google me — so please don't dismiss this as standard-issue advice-professional moralizing. But you might benefit from opening up to one person, someone you can trust with your secret — that will, however, require an investment of time and emotional energy. But the payoff could be huge. Imagine having sex with someone you didn't have to hide from, BUMMED, someone who you didn't have to worry about judging you because she understood.
Get over yourself. You're a heterosexual guy who needs to be on the receiving end of a little heterosexual anal play during heterosexual sex in order to get off heterosexually. There are lots of straight guys like you out there. Your sexuality isn't the problem; your need for prostate stimulation isn't the problem. The problem is your shame and your desire to hide this aspect of your sexuality from your groupies and your bros. You may not be gay, BUMMED, but you do need to come out.
Dear readers: David Rakoff died last week. He was a writer, a contributor to This American Life, and an all-around spectacular human being. His books — Half Empty, Don't Get Too Comfortable and Fraud — are terrific. If you haven't read David's books, please read them now. My heart goes out to David's family and to his countless friends. To get an idea of how many lives David touched, spend some time at rorevans.tumblr.com.
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