A truly flaky fetish
Seriously, wait until lunch is over to peruse this column
Published: December 8, 2010
Q: I am a woman in a relatively new relationship. Before this guy, I had a deep disgust for anything anal-related. After some dedicated work and anilingus on his part, he's helped me overcome my fears of the "grossness" of the area and made me an enthusiastic convert — as a recipient.
He has expressed an interest in me reciprocating in butt play and rimming. I know it's a sensitive area for him and would bring him a lot of pleasure — but no matter how much he cleans the area, I'm having trouble getting over two issues.
1) I'm submissive and prefer my partners to be dominant. Butt play on him would ruin his "dominant" role for me. However, that problem is minor compared to...
2) He is overweight and hairy, and no amount of cleaning dispels the musk from that area for more than five minutes. When I'm going down on him, I deal, as it isn't too bad and some amount of genital smell is to be expected. But moving further into his butt area — which is pretty darn huge, hairy, and flabby — would require burying my face in the smelliest and least attractive area of his body.
I feel horrible about this. Removing the hair would not be enough to give his butt a shape and remove the extra mass that's trapping and producing the odors. I feel it's too horrible to tell him, "I would probably do it if you dropped 50 pounds." It's also not fair, as he's an enthusiastic anal giver (though if not giving means never receiving, I'm willing to go without).
How do I get over this, Dan? Aside from this issue, our sex life is fantastic. I truly am attracted to him, just not his butt. I want to be GGG, but this is really pushing my limits. —Can't Go There
A: I don't know how you get over it, CGT — hell, I don't think I'll ever get over just reading your letter.
I recognize, of course, that anal pleasure, however it's administered, isn't just for butts on the men's Australian Olympic diving team. Butts come in all different sizes, shapes, and flavors, and not every butt looks as good in a Speedo or — presumably — tastes as good out of a Speedo as, say, Matthew Mitcham's butt does. And, hey, reciprocity makes the orgasms go round. But there are times when there's just no getting over something and a face-saving white lie is in order.
Tell him that, as much as you appreciate his efforts to open you up — figuratively and literally — to being on the receiving end of butt play, you don't think you'll ever get over your hang-up about being on the giving end. He doesn't need to know that you might feel differently if Matthew Mitcham had asked you to eat his tiny, tight and thoroughly chlorinated little butt, CGT, so feel free to leave that bit out. End by telling that him you'll understand if he no longer wishes to indulge you in the butt play that, thanks to his efforts, you've come to enjoy so much.
Q: I'm a straight 22-year-old male. I have a skin-picking fetish. I get off on picking scabs and patches of dry skin. I also have seborrhoeic dermatitis, a condition that causes flaky, white patches of dry skin to grow on my scalp. I pick all the scales off my scalp daily. I masturbate afterward and have had some of the best orgasms of my life this way.
My problem: Every girlfriend I've ever opened up to about this has been grossed out. None of my girlfriends has been willing to indulge my fetish, even after I've been willing to indulge their kinks. They tell me it is unclean or dangerous. Even paid escorts have refused to pick my scalp for me. A woman picking my scalp while I jerk off is my biggest fantasy.
Surely there must be a scab-picking girl out there for me. How do I find her? —Scab Kinkest In Need
A: It's going to be that kind of column — the kind you don't write over lunch. (My apologies to anyone who's reading this over lunch.)
Your fetish — which, according to the interwebs, goes by the name "phaneromania" — is a blessedly uncommon fetish, SKIN, as well as a pretty high bar to clear. Picking the scabs off someone's scalp while he beats off isn't something that even the most open-minded, sexually adventurous partner would regard as a GGG-related responsibility.
Don't lose hope, SKIN. While there are always more men into a given fetish than there are women, fetishes that involve medical or physical maladies tend to tap women at slightly higher rates than other fetishes. It's the caregiver-nurturer thing taken to a sixy extreme (sick + sexy = sixy).
Keep putting yourself out there, keep being open with the women you date about your ultimate turn-on, and you may hit the sixy jackoffpot. Your only other hope is you'll meet a woman who loves you enough to do this for you — or you'll have to pay a woman enough to do this for you.
Q: I'm a 34-year-old openly gay white-collar professional man in an open relationship with my amazing boyfriend of nine years. I've been getting fucked on the side for the past two years by a 30-year-old closeted bisexual total-top white blue-collar steelworker. Although we have very different backgrounds, we both have a great time when his 8-inch cock is in me. He texts me when he's horny, I show up, I blow him, he pounds my brains out and ejaculates, and I leave (all safely, of course). Maybe a little chitchat after. He seems like a nice guy, and it's a NSA attachment that works well.
The issue: I'm afraid he may be a white supremacist. While he has never said anything to me, he has numerous tattoos, including the infamous "88" tattoo (which usually refers to "Heil Hitler," with H being the eighth letter of the alphabet). Additionally, I've seen some paramilitary-type stuff around his place. He's never said anything bigoted about minorities, and we've never discussed it. He obviously has no problem with gay guys — he knows I'm open and out — and I don't think he's planning for RAHOWA, but I'm wondering about the tattoos and am afraid to ask.
Do I have to give up his 8-inch blue-collar cock and our no-strings slam sessions because he may hold ideas I find offensive? —Worried Over Racist Dick
A: Color me intolerant, but I don't think a member of one oppressed minority group — that would be you, WORD — should be bouncing on the dick of someone who endorses hatred directed at members of other minority groups.
Which means you will have to give up those hot slam sessions — but only if this dude is a racist piece of shit.
Doesn't that 88 tattoo prove that he's a POS? Not necessarily. It only proves that he was a POS at the time he got the tattoo. Hatred can fade and people can become more tolerant, but tattoos are forever. He may be ashamed of that tattoo and planning to get it inked over — but you won't know until you ask.
And you should ask, WORD, and if turns out he's still a racist POS, you shouldn't see him anymore.
Hey everybody: Do me a favor. Go to tinyurl.com/24rjpv7. Find "Colleen K." Click "View profile." Click "Like this." Thank you.
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