Metro Times Readers' Letters To Santa
Published: December 24, 2013
And another thing; I know morale is down at the top of the world, but my kids aren’t exactly filled with holiday splendor and don’t appreciate (nor does anyone) unwrapping Tim Horton’s gift cards and obviously re-gifted Bath & Body Works gift packs on Christmas morning. They are 5 and 3 years old. What in God’s sweet balls makes you think that is gonna fly? I can’t help but think that the lack of quality toy production is linked to poor and abusive management — meaning you. Like I said earlier, you suck.
Which brings me to my Christmas list.
My one and only Christmas wish this year is that you and your derelict freakshow stay the fuck away from my house. You need to get your shit together. In the meantime, you will be hearing from my attorney. Merry Effing Christmas. I hope Rudolph finally kamikazes your party bus. And have a shitty New Year. Absolutely motherfucking serious.
—Male, 42, Macomb Township
Be More Specific, Whydoncha?
My wish is for a 2013 Rolls Royce Wraith, white with white interior, red piping, black and white ebony woods, red pinstripes with a monogrammed driver’s door “RC” and red-tint windows with red Lexani 24-inch rims. Please, please, please! And a lifetime membership with RROC too!
—Male, 43, Lapeer
Quick, Sick Joke
Alls I really want for Christmas is PS4! I’ve been good all year and it would be sooo cool to get one! Also, if you give my dad new feet; he has bad diabetes and the doctors had to cut them off last year :( Thank you, Santa. :)
—Male, 33, Detroit
Break the Mold!
I would love to wake up in a new home with my family. As of right now, we are living in a mobile home that has mold in it. I just want to afford to move out and feel safe. Thank you.
—Female, Age Unknown, Northville
How About a Sleigh?
For Christmas, I would love a new car (preferably the new Chevy Impala!). I currently drive a 2001 Jeep Grand Cherokee that is having starting issues even after I paid over $500 for maintenance (tuneup, oil change, etc., and another $430 last month on four new tires), and I need a dependable vehicle to get back and forth to work and school.
And Santa, I would be so appreciative if I received this gift that I would have no problem donating my current car to a local charity.
—Female, 39, Detroit
Spoil the Child
Dear Mr. Kringle,
I am a 31-year-old mother of a wonderful 5-year-old boy. Of course you knew that, being Santa and all. I personally don’t want anything for myself. I want my son to wake up on Christmas morning and have everything he wants or needs.
That’s all I want. Well, that, and if you could just help one more person who is in need. Any person, you can pick since you have your “list” and all. I know you will find the right one. Thank you, Santa.
—Female, 31, Wyandotte
Best Christmas List, Ever!
For Christmas, I want:
• 24-hour, frequently running buses that show up on time, every time;
• Decent equipment for firefighters and resources for arson investigation, so there will not be fires every damn day;
• Good city schools that support every student;
• Libraries with the resources to provide more hours and more computers to patrons;
• Jobs with living wages for city residents, and lastly;
• A chalice, filled with the tears of L. Brooks Patterson and presented to me on a platter by Rick Snyder. I’ve been good.
—Female, 29, Detroit
P.S. You can take back the highway expansions. We don’t need them. Thanks.
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