Detroit Letters to Santa We’d Like to See
Dear Santa … Satirically Speaking
Published: December 20, 2013
Now, I’ve been good. And people played dirty with me. They ran a guy with the same name and I swallowed that. They spray painted my name on Davison and I rolled up my sleeves and washed it off. I’ve played by a demanding book of rules. I know I’m on your “nice” list. I’ve never been convicted of a crime.
Now, for obvious reasons, I’d argue that it would not be a bad thing if people didn’t go revisiting the glory days of Big Mac and the Wayne County machine. Ancient history, if you ask me.
I’m not a fixer, either, Santa; just a clock-punching politician on the tenure track. I go into the room and find out what deal I have to make — and I make the best one I can — even when I have to hold my nose.
So, I’m hoping you can help ensure that, when I get those keys to the city on Jan. 1, whatever deal I have to make comes out smelling better than usual. I know you have contacts in the media, so whatever you could do would be really terrific.
And I really want to succeed. I want to arrange a graceful exit for Orr, make whatever peace I have to with the suits in Lansing, and get us back in whatever business we’ll be in.
I really have hopes for this great city. It’s seen some tough times, but there was a time, just two generations ago, when it was a great and politically important place. I want you to help me, big fella, to take the ruins of this once-great city and refashion it with as much integrity as is allowed, to turn it back into that wonderful thing it once was: A springboard for mayors to become governors.
Mayor-Elect of Detroit
You know why I’m writing you again this year. I’m hoping that one of my Detroit teams can get out there and win. I’m not getting any younger, fella, and you know I’ve been good. I’m so good that some of the poorest people in the country are giving me hundreds of millions of dollars to build something they’ll pay to use! Again!
God Bless America,
Putting aside my clown makeup for a minute, Santa, I have a serious business problem to discuss — because my corporate image is at stake. Look, you and I are not so different: We both the head massive global brands that have served billions and billions around the world. As you likely know, both my company-owned and franchisor store employees have been protesting, demanding wages be raised from $7.40 to $15 an hour. WTF?! When I heard this I nearly had a heart attack! (Don’t even try and blame it on all the Happy Meals and super-sized Cokes, either!)
I have to imagine overhead is low up there around the North Pole, even better than Vietnam — but, even then, how do you make it happen? Have your elves threatened to unionize? You don’t actually pay them a decent wage, do you?
What I really need for Christmas this year is a new workforce — one that’s motherfucking grateful to work in the convenience food industry and doesn’t mind working two or three jobs for 80 hours a week just to make ends meet. Sorry, I got carried away. I really am the sad clown, you know. I don’t like to see people work full-time yet not exceed the poverty threshold. It’s just that, well, shareholders are more important than my workers. Maybe you can send me a few hundred thousand elves?
Let me begin by thanking you for everything you’ve done for this organization over the years. Maybe you don’t need them with your flying sleigh, but most Americans need good roads. And I’m writing you with a few more items on our wish list this year because we’re having some problems reminding people, especially young people, of the importance of good roads.
About 20 years ago, our local road planners came up with a doozy of an idea, sir. The plan was to expand I-75 and I-94 into wider freeways, create, larger modern interchanges, with beautiful, continuous, multi-lane service drives! For Oakland County, the I-75 expansion could mean maybe another decade of building new subdivisions and office parks! And with this I-94 plan, Grosse Pointers will be able to zoom right through Detroit to Dearborn and, beyond, Ann Arbor!
Unfortunately, we have some people who don’t understand why this is all so terrific. They have some crazy ideas that people want bridges over the freeways, sir. They’re very cranky and say some silly things. They think people all want to ride bicycles and skateboards and walk everywhere. You can see they’re unreasonable.
So what I’d ask you to do, sir, is to remind today’s kids that the private automobile is the very best invention in the history of the planet, mankind’s magic carpet. Maybe you could drop extra monster truck miniatures in their stockings this year? Oh, and perhaps give them fewer of those bicycles?
Michigan Commission for Good Roads
There will come a time when I am no longer a member of this exclusive heap of craziness that we call humanity and when that time comes many an Evil Dead super-fan will likely lose his shit; this is just a warning.
These bastards get tattoos of my face on their fucking arm — so they won’t think twice about going postal in their local comic book store. So here’s what we need to do to: Send me over a plaster molding kit — the sort of thing groupies used when making molds of rock stars’ dicks in the ’70s — and I’ll make a chin replica.
We can paint it and glue it onto any earnest-faced B-movie actor and they’ll all be none the wiser. In the meantime, please push Raimi into making Army of Darkness II. He must have taken the hint after his Oz shit.
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