Detroit Letters to Santa We’d Like to See
Dear Santa … Satirically Speaking
Published: December 20, 2013
I’m not gonna lie to ya, I’m getting desperate. In Kyle Quincey, I have the most overpaid chunk of wood in the NHL and my best players are fast approaching their pensions. My players’ teeth are falling out like crabs from a hooker’s G-string.
Meanwhile, Zetterberg has fucked up his back. All of this in a place tagged “Hockeytown!” I need help and I need it fast because the people here expect success from their Red Wings, and there’s nothing I want more then to inject good cheer into the beer-addled brain of a Clinton Township power-drinker.
Sales of raw squid have been seriously declining in recent years and I blame myself. I know, I know — I look like a badly constructed Conan O’Brien mask. You can put that down to years of sticks in the face and poutine down the ol’ throat. But this team of underachieving, overpaid semi-stars, and over-the-hill, toothless fogeys just isn’t gonna cut it.
Please send me another team and I’ll leave you out a bottle of Steam Whistle.
Head Coach, Detroit Red Wings
Please, please, please encourage a studio to make The Santa Clause 4. While you’re at it, get a Buzz Lightyear doll into every child’s socking and keep those Home Improvement re-runs coming.
It’s been a shitty year, my brotha. Even though I got up and swore to Jesus that I was not the criminal the feds said I was, the odds were stacked against me. Please be good to my kids and Carlita — give them whatever you would have given me. All I want is soap-on-a-rope.
Former Mayor, Current Felon
To: Santa Claus, aka Kris Kringle, aka Saint Nicholas, aka Father Christmas
It has come to our lawyers’ attention that you have been distributing amusement devices for children (henceforth known as “toys”) within the legal boundaries of the City of Detroit.
Further research has revealed you have been violating airspace, trespassing on private and government property, flying an unlicensed aircraft and posing as a supernatural being.
What’s more, your ploy of distributing these “toys,” free of charge, has deprived the City of Detroit its pro rata share of tax revenue. We estimate that in the past 313 years you have distributed no less than $500 billion in said “toys.”
This office wasn’t initially sure how to describe your connection with the City of Detroit, but since you unfailingly distribute these “toys” within said city on an annual basis, you fall under the category of a “natural resource asset” of the City of Detroit.
As such, because this office is executing bankruptcy procedures for the City of Detroit, and bondholders as well as other creditors have placed significant liens on the city, we are forced to issue a cease and desist order from delivering “toys” to households within the city limits until such time as:
• Detroit’s creditors have been satisfied;
• The City of Detroit’s credit rating is AAA;
• You have placed “toys” equaling a value of at least $50 billion in escrow with a firm we reserve the right to designate.
Until such demands are met, please deliver said “toys” designated for children residing within the City of Detroit to the bondholders and creditors listed in Appendix B.
Should you fail to comply with the demands set forth, this office will seek redress in both civil and criminal courts to the fullest extent the law allows.
On a personal note, if I may, given your “unconventional” activities, there’s a distinct possibility of federal law enforcement, as well as the U.S. military, becoming involved — including a possible drone strike.
Emergency Manager, Detroit
Alright, let’s get this shit started. I want a Skynyrd-shaped pool filled with Mountain Dew. I want a rack that holds all of my gun racks. I want a genuine ’76 Allman Brothers denim jacket. I want the respect that Eminem gets. I want rattlesnake-skin cowboy boots. I want a rattlesnake in a motherfuckin’ glass cage and I’m gonna call him Snakey. I want some of that there sweet fuckin’ deer jerky. I want to go 10-times platinum. I want Pammy’s sweet titties in my face one more time. I want to look Tommy Lee in the eye and say, “I’ve had Pammy’s sweet titties in my face again.” I want an Xbox. I want NWA to re-form — but I get to be Eazy-E. I want a Dr. Who Tardis. I want a king-size Kit-Kat. I want a Lions jersey with “KIIIIIDDDDD” on the back. Fuck that shit, I want to coach the Lions. I want to arrive at the gates of Heaven and hear God say, “Kid, you did good, son.” And America. And the Bible. I want that sweet-ass gatefold Foghat vinyl I saw at that store the other day. I want a red licorice dispenser for my car like in Wayne’s World. I want a $50 Applebee’s gift card (you can eat like a king for that money at Applebee’s). I want a T-shirt with a wolf howling on the front. I want a remote-control helicopter.
And for you, I’ll leave you out one of my Badass brewskis, homie.
Get on that shit,
You know what, actually? If I ever need anything, I’m just going to ask Jack. Looks like I’ll be having a White Christmas after all!
The Masonic Temple
OK, first off, big guy, I want none of this “White Mayor” stuff. The blacks have been voting for whites since emancipation, haven’t they? I’m just a Detroiter now, Santa, so let’s get that right out of the way.
I’m happy to rediscover my old neighborhood self. I’m nothing special. I’m so ordinary I walk into a factory gate and they tell me there’s no work. I’m a “dese, dem and dose” guy who shifts his feet in high society. So I don’t think race or class should be an issue. If you could do something to tone that stuff down, that’d be great.
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