However, if the right-wingers have any money to blow, I suggest FOIA-ing all my e-mails from my Wayne State account. Actually, as a professional troublemaker, I'm hurt they haven't. If they do, they'll find such highly controversial messages as, "Sorry, you can't have an incomplete, Billy. You didn't do the work."

However, I did once use it to order the Brandenburg Concertos on CD. And whatever they say, I'm keeping them. (Naturally, I use my personal e-mail account to plot poisoning the reservoir and transferring all power to the Soviets.)

But you can't accuse the Mackadamia nuts of lacking a sense of humor; they also, bizarrely, are requesting those profs' e-mails to and from ... Rachel Maddow. And I think I can speak for the entire Wayne State faculty when I say that if any of those MSU twerps scored a date with her, we are going to be really, really mad.

Memo to the idiots: So you shelled out as much as $300 to see an out-of-control drug addict, alcoholic, hooker-scaring Charlie Sheen rave on stage at the Fox, and you are complaining he wasn't funny? You can't imagine how sorry for you I am. Thank Bog you didn't waste that money on Freedom House, or the Detroit Rescue Mission. Your plight is enough to send a sudden rush of fecal matter to the heart.

> Email Jack Lessenberry